abadidea

I can relate to this from a similar perspective and sense of dysphoria from shopping. I'm not really able to suggest anything to help but I do empathize with it.

Advice I gave a friend of mine - Forget the "traditional" stuff, but maybe look into other traditions. My friend ended up wearing a very reserved Chinese-style qun kwa vest with a very minimally-flared skirt and it looked incredible. Thinking outside the box is definitely something to go with, and remember that, while you're playing a part on that day, you very much get to choose what trappings to include in that part and how you want to present it.

In your case - if the major issue is that you don't want people to be paying attention to you, then lean into that. Wear something minimal that has soft earth tones and doesn't draw the eye - let the ceremony itself be the eye catcher, not you.

Extremely unfortunate. Do you ...have to be perceived? Is this a Big Church Wedding thing?

So dress head to toe to finger tips in black velvet and have the ceremony on a night of the new moon. You will still be perceived, but only as the bit of darkness that makes the rest of the dark look bright.
But seriously what ever you wear doesn't need to be perfect. If you come up with something better you can have another ceremony next year and the year after. And different parts of you may want different things and having more than one ceremony planned might mean that you don't have to please everyone with the first one.

I don’t have great advice but I wanted to say I feel for you. Feminine clothes were a struggle for me growing up, and I’m also similarly built so everything feels awkward on my body. When I got married I decided to split the difference between traditional and comfortable and got a dress made by someone who usually makes like, rave gear or something. It was still a dress but it felt like a hoodie in fabric and comfort (and actually had a hood!) So not to make this comment entirely about myself, but I ended up with what I got by just looking at things that were (for me) in highly unusual places until I found something that was unique and made me feel…powerful? It’s probably less helpful now but I scanned a lot of like alternative wedding groups on flickr at the time digging for ideas, looking at the whole spectrum from pretty traditional to completely not.

I wish you the best in finding something that works for you. You deserve to feel special, and whatever it will be must be out there somewhere.

that sounds really close to my dysphoria feelings.

especially the last sentence (hence my online handle)