I ended up taking my anxiety meds yesterday. There was nothing specific going on that triggered me, but I think just the constant being on-edge and loud kitchen sounds got too much. One of the things that makes me anxious is the sound of a gas appliance being turned on (that clicking sound), so every time the stovetop OR oven was turned on, that happened. I was worried the meds might knock me out or impair my ability to do things, but that wasn't the case at all. Before I took it, every time I stood up, I would get horribly dizzy from being too "floaty"/disassociative.
Which makes me wonder: when I disassociate in these situations, what, exactly, is happening? I can recognize when I "float away" and Aelita is taking care of everything, or when Aether is fighting his way to the front. Or Karu slides in and takes over. I'm recognizing who they are/what they feel like, but these "I am disassociating at the Target for no reason at all"-type situations don't feel like anyone, or anything. Just that "I" am being pushed away from the front and all my focus gets put into grounding myself, and not whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing (like paying attention to someone talking to me or planning my shopping trip).
So I guess whoever is at the front at that time is someone I just don't know? Or have any sort of communication with? Like, even if I can't get words from some of the guys in here, I can get emotions/feelings/intentions, general senses of things. This is just an invisible wall that is walling off the front, and the only feeling is the feeling of nothing.
...which, now that I think about it, sounds a lot like "thunder dragon." When I figured out I was a system, I did ask Aether who else there was, and he indicated this was one of them. The name is a placeholder I'm using, all I know about it is that it exists and is just this transparent void/walled-off section. Logically, I know there is probably something in there that is...not good. With me being a traumagenic system and all that. Which is why I haven't tried to make contact or get to know it further.
I might have to let these kinds of events happen a few more times and really pay attention to what's going on to figure out...I don't know what. We'll have to see.
-bird
