Been thinking about the timeline of things. I know Aether was there from very early on (elementary school, maybe even preschool/kindergarten)(whichever of the two is first), and I THINK Aelita was there in my very first memory (which is pre-any schooling, 3 or 4?). Or what would become Aelita. What would become Fuwa really crystalized in high school, when I started writing, I would write all night long and have no memory of it. Even now, I read those stories and I have no memory of them. Izabell was definitely a lot of college, was probably in high school, maybe even middle school. Karu would also be college.
Which means: am I, bird, the "original"? The thing that was at the wheel most of the time growing up? How can I possibly know for sure? Does it matter? Since I'm (and, therefore, the body) transgender, and not connected to anyone from my pre-college days, whoever that person was, in so many senses of the term, is irrelevant. They're not part of anyone's lives, nor ever will be, and that's fine. I don't feel like I was even really living before then, just...existing.
When I found out I had ADHD, as an adult a few years ago, I felt a lot of things. One of them was some pretty intense grief. If I knew, if I was medicated, if I was supported, could I have done better in college? Would I have a better paying job? At the time this was happening, I wanted to medically transition but couldn't, I felt like I was so behind in my career. I was miserable in so many ways. I kept thinking of the me that could have been, but never would be. But I decided to stop thinking about that. I couldn't change the past, so going over it more would only make me miserable. Plus, things might have been worse in so many ways. I love where I live, I love my friends, and things are the way they are because things turned out the way they did.
I guess being plural is the same way. I don't know what it would feel like to be alone in here, if I had to be "on" and paying attention all the time, if "I" had to remember all the bad stuff that ever happened. I don't know how I'd make it through the hard times I went through as an adult if I didn't have Aether and Aelita there, telling me I'd be okay.
I should probably do more private journaling, where we can "talk" more to each other, and without having to explain stuff to outsiders. Or have outsiders read things lol.
