Know what friends, I think it’s time I wrote shoot good things in my life instead of always the bad stuff. I don’t really talk about the good because I was always scared someone is gonna go “bleh Adam is happy and I’m miserable what the fuck” making me feel like an ass and just putting bad in this world, but as things happened last week it became clear these anxious fears have no bearing in reality. Even if I feel selfish talking about the good, it’s still good being put into the world.
So the make good thing is that one of my major traumas (and by proximity someone else’s so it was a double win) that has sat on me for over a decade got lifted from me and god it felt like one massive weight was removed. It’s kinda funny in a peculiar sense on how passive trauma can still affect you even as it becomes older and older, but I digress. I ended up talking to a friend who (they didn’t know beforehand) has connections to people from my past and one of my exs. I was scared to tell this person about it all because frankly when I was in my early 20s I was a piece of shit human and after the breakup I got pretty nasty after the breakup so I worried there was some kind of darkness there that would make my friend hate me. Of course that didn’t happen but the opposite, friend told me some stories about the ex and yeah the relationship falling apart wasn’t my fault despite feeling like a piece of shit about it and saying she cheated on me (she did by the end of the day) but no, she’s just a bad human who did what she did to me to someone else before setting on someone that the cycle will probably happen to again. Considering how badly my self esteem was shattered to the point where I had to go to the psych ward for a week after all that, it just feels good to know that it wasn’t my fault at all. I know this all sounds silly by the end of the day but trust me here, I’m moving faster and doing more after being absolved and I desire to keep pushing on.
