Alice Over Zero

enshittification is the perfect english word. six syllables for exactly one syllable's worth of meaning

Bet you didn’t think a cute little baby goat like me, resting beneath a black walnut tree to escape the summer heat, would be proficient in Microsoft Excel, did you. Bet you didn’t expect me to know how optimize a spreadsheet by implementing conditional formatting rules huh. Bet you took one look at me and thought “no way this kid knows how to use the VLOOKUP function.” Well guess what, I do. I know a diverse array of useful formulas and my body is capable of digesting poison ivy. I eat that shit like potato chips. Get the fuck out of my paddock

So the first Cosmere book is Elantris but everyone always says you shouldn’t read it until after Mistborn because it’s just not very good so even though you have to read it for canon reasons cuz it gets referenced a lot if you start with it you’ll probably conclude you don’t like these books and won’t read them when in reality you do like these books and want to read all of them and it’s just Elantris that’s bad (Way of Kings has bad pacing but it’s still good because Words of Radiance is fucking incredible.)

But I figured out why Elantris specifically sucks and it’s because it doesn’t do any of the things that makes the Cosmere books fun.

Cuz like all the Cosmere books do the same basic formula and use the same ingredients and it’s so good every time:

• Incredibly elaborate and detailed magic system that follows very clear rules which are explained to you in increasing detail as the story goes on and you learn more about the world.

In Mistborn this is Allomancy. In Stormlight Archive it’s Surgebinding. In Tress and the Emerald Sea it’s Sprouting. We understand the rules and a part of the excitement is learning the rules and learning when we’ve misunderstood the rules and suddenly lotsa new stuff makes sense.

• Very elaborate and strange complex worlds that are very detailed and fantastical and well developed.

In Mistborn the entire world has been exactly the same for 1000 years and so much interesting culture has developed around that. Nobody understands what war is or how to fight. People don’t understand the concept of a god who isn’t a living person you can see. In Stormlight Archive the ecosystem is incredibly alien and bizarre and fascinating and there’s so many little details like the architecture never having east facing windows.

• But oh shit some kind of secret lost history reveals that the world is the way it is because of some grand big mysteries that completely change your understanding of the world, the magic system, and the laws of physics!!! Everything is different!! Nothing is as it seems!

How did this one guy really become the immortal god emperor? And what was the world like before that? As we learn more, thousands of tiny details we took for granted suddenly have deep implications down to the very map itself. And oh boy Stormlight sure is all about learning that the world is not what it seems.

• Also the characters are generally pretty complex and flawed and interesting. Our heroes struggle with morality and trauma and relationships and they develop a lot.

Kelsier is a revolutionary but he’s also a little too into killing. Shallan wants to help others but she finds it difficult to ever say even one true thing. Elend is naïve. Kaladin is depressed.

And Elantris just doesn’t really do these things!!

• None of the magic in Elantris appears until the very end of the book. And suddenly in the finale we see two magic systems which barely have any times to be developed or explained. Also, the rules of the system aren’t something we can really follow. “He specified the distance in the appropriate manner” follows rules I guess but they’re not rules we can think about in relation to the story. The only real rule as far as the story is concerned is “more complicated things will take longer to do.” But we only even see the magic for like the last 50 pages so who cares.

• The world is Elantris is soooooo similar to ours it’s basically just Fantasy Europe even the map just looks like the Mediterranean with the northern continent looking just like Europe. There isn’t really much in the way of distinct culture or ecosystem. The religions are the main distinct developed things but they still aren’t that deep compared to other Cosmere books.

• There is only one mystery and it’s “what happened ten years ago!” And the answer is incredibly predictable very early in the book and is the only main mystery really. It doesn’t really change much about society because it was within living memory for the entire cast just nobody really figured out why it happened.

• The characters are soooooo flat. Reodan has basically no flaws. He’s beautiful and charming and funny and smart and does everything right and all his plans succeed. Sarene is supposedly annoying and ugly and drive away anyone who could love her but everything about her that we’re told is a flaw actually is just endearing and lovable. The only time she does anything “wrong” is because she doesn’t know Reodan has some other plans she’s messing up; or she walks into it by total chance.

Reading Way of Kings it really stuck out to me how Kaladin’s storyline is very similar to Reodan’s but Kaladin is a flawed and interesting character wrestling with internal conflicts and conflicting ideals. So it’s much more interesting to see him do it. Shallan has a very similar personality to Sarene, but has been pushed into a far more interesting life story. In many ways she’s Sarene if Sarene’s life hadn’t been so easy. She’s far more interesting and deep in every way. Her troubles are much deeper than nobody wanting to marry her.

Anyway it sucks that Brandosando is so enamored with his first published novel and keeps referencing it and is even writing sequels to it, inflicting it upon his fans who just want to enjoy all his other books which are so amazing. I mean it’s striking the quality jump from Elantris to The Final Empire. Mistborn is just so fucking good.

This is my current hyper fixation ok

Fun idea at first, discovering new mechanics while the car you're in swerves to make them even more spicy to understand and work around. Gets you to start thinking this might be a fun road trip with new wonky stuff to do.