A couple friends and I came up with it a few weeks ago, and it keeps rattling around my head: every type of food in the world can be split into two categories. These categories are not good or bad, not tasteful or tasteless; they are simply an entirely new dichotomy. The "King Rule," as we called it, is very simple:
Pick any food, then imagine a restaurant named "[food name] King" (Hoagie King, Gyro King, Salad King, etc). Would you have a good time there?
Many options are easy:
- Gyro King is delicious, obviously
- Teriyaki King is pretty solid
- Hoagie King will be your go-to lunch stop for years
Other foods fall closer to the line:
- Meatball King tastes amazing and WILL give you food poisoning. Near pass.
- Pizza King is terrible but beloved. Depends on personal preference.
- Eclair King will disappear in six months after the owner is arrested for tax evasion
And others fail the rule miserably:
- Salad King is bad, AND costs twenty dollars a plate
- Waffle King is just a less reliable Waffle House
- Burger King.
It's difficult to describe the line between these foods, but it's felt very instinctively. You already know in your heart of hearts that Barbecue King is amazing, while Steak King is mid at best. This isn't to say that steak isn't good, nor salad, waffles, or burgers; in fact, they're all amazing foods in the right context. But regardless of their quality, they fail the King Rule.
I don't know what any of this means, but it feels vitally important. The whole of our future rests upon our ability to understand the full ramifications of the King Rule.
Hot Dog King: Best hot dog stand in Seattle but they only set up by the stadium anymore.
Donut King: Amazing donuts, hours that seem to be based on the Neptunian day so you never know when they're open.
Shawarma King: Has been open since the 70s, owner is a Lebanese man built like a mountain who talks at volumes more normally associated with above-ground nuclear tests and it's fucking amazing.
Sandwich King: Extremely mid food truck that serves mainly tech workers at a bunch of identical downtown offices who have no taste and deep wallets.
Bop King: "Korean" bibimbap place run by a white couple from New York. Sucks but that guy you know who works for Lockheed and is a functional alcoholic swears by it.
Burrito King - Run by a White lady who has never eaten authentic Mexican food, but once made a burrito good enough that her rich White father insisted they should open a restaurant.
Kale King - Somehow this place remains open, despite all evidence suggesting it should not.
Tamale King - He sets up a cart near but not officially as a part of all local events, and it's the only reason anyone bothers to go to local events. The city should be thanking this man.
Pasta King - It's next door to a sports bar, and does all of it's business based on that fact and only that fact.
Soup King - It's costs too much, and it's only pretty good.
Chili King - These people know that heat is not the same thing as flavor, and they get the balance exactly right every time.

