Parker Posey's Mouth

I said "I'll come over, keep you company for a bit" and as I'm getting ready to leave I think "I should grab a DVD. That's a good breakup chilling activity." I look at my shelf for the perfect choice for this friend, and this emotional situation, and I decide with full conviction on Bubba Ho-Tep (2002).

On the way there I stop for snacks. I realize I forgot the DVD, probably on my way out the door. "Nuts." But hey, at least I didn't tell him I was bringing a DVD. No harm done. Maybe we can just stream it.

Arrive at his place. Let myself in with arms leaden by snacks. He's getting up and pressing pause on the remote. I see the screen and I scream. He is watching Bubba Ho-Tep (2002).

I'm the exact right amount of high that I feel like the future could be bright and go well. I can envision a positive outcome. This means I'm not yet truly hopeless. While I still maintain that hope is a terrible yet non-fatal poison, much like alcohol, a little bit in the right place can be of tremendous benefit to the mind, body, and spirit.

I just want to live creatively, like the gothic country estate Lesbian I was born to be. I need to be actively choosing to live and breathe by doing the creative work that I feel good about doing every time I do it.

A friend lent me a midi controller, and ableton intro key. I haven't touched either since I returned from ¹Georgia over the new year. I felt a spark of inspiration a moment ago, while I was thinking of ²song/band cover combinations I'd love to hear, and I felt motivated to do something with it. Or at least to take a stab at learning how to do something with it. To my dismay, I soon realized I forgot to install the ableton intro at all.

I'm just not arranged right. I don't have the right flow of space, physical or otherwise, to facilitate doing creative work. I should be surrounded with notebooks, not dirty dishes. I should have a second window open with my current writing or design idea, so I don't have to go through the process of digging up which pdfs I had open, and which pages in my ³onenote thing. The less work I have to do to just exorcise some of my creative energy, the better.

I'm also strongly considering my gross aversion to being seen. It's very bad for me, on a lot of levels. One in particular, it reinforces my sense of isolation to see so few human faces, including my own. Details of my court appeal pending, I still have no resources to work with in terms of finding ways to be social in this ugly two-place world we now live. But I could, and maybe should, try to get at least some exposure to other people. I rarely see friends anymore, and I don't know that I have too many. But I need to be known on that level. It's good for me. To that end, I'm strongly considering just streaming, or vlogging, or something. Some vulgar little thing like that, which I've always just thought of as 'not my thing.' Maybe. Maybe I hate watching them, but it could be healthy to at least have other people thinking about me as more than a screen name that periodically feels a flicker of love for something I'm writing.

¹ Where I may someday in my bright future establish a gothic lesbian estate.

²

• Freezepop - Up On the Sun (Meat Puppets)
• Electric Six - Kiss From a Rose (Seal)

³ Please recommend me an open source alternative

And, you know, I think we've always gotten along. Similar tastes in music, liked the same horror movies, could talk comics with, we each appreciated interpersonal qualities held by the other, etc.

We never saw too much of each other, but in the past few years my friend got a decent youtube following for his movie review channel. And like, yay! Awesome! I love to see a friend succeeding.

I hate his channel. I haaaaate it so muuuuuch. It's exactly what you'd expect a modern mainstream movie review youtube channel to be;

• How Disney murdered Star Wars... AGAIN!
• The MCU is a JOKE, Captain Marvel BOMBS HARD!
• Joker 2 is going to SUCK!"

Those aren't actual titles, but that's the basic style of them. A title that either inflames or is itself the reactionary take on a thing. I think he's smarter than his audience, but I don't think he's really applying that smartness. Just hating on the stuff that chuds were already going to hate on is buttering his bread, so why dig deeper? Why think more? I don't think my friend is an idiot, but the language of idiots has seeped into his vernacular deeply enough that he'll list 'virtue signalling' as a crime that a film commits. Not like... because they put a five second clip of some background characters demonstrating diversity that can be easily edited out for foreign markets with no consequence to the film as a whole. But because a movie has female leads, and is marketed around that. Does he believe that? That that is what virtue signalling is? That that is why virtue signalling is bad? I don't actually know. Because I know he's smart enough to see when a film studio does some shit, disingenuously, for like, freebie goodwill and extra attention. But I think maybe he's just not bothering to apply it where it applies, because his audience is only going to read 'Hollywood obsessed with body positivity' at a surface level anyway. They wouldn't care what that meant beyond daring to cast a woman with fat or muscle in a movie anyway. And also, they just want to be mad about pop culture using their icons but shifting focus away from the White male nerd in the first place.

I don't watch pretty much any of what he posts, because it's just not worth it. I sometimes leave a comment. Usually one that aims at a point a little beyond the horizon for folks who still can't believe Disney is making BAD Star Wars movies, instead of GOOD ones. Like it's a binary choice and the directors and producers just consistently choose the wrong option because they are dummies. It kind hurts to see a guy I like wading into that cesspool, over and over. But I suppose he's the right kind of guy to be able to do that. I just hope it isn't mutating him into something else.

I suppose if we hung out more than once a half decade, I'd have a better read on him. I'd know if he was actually dipping his head under the surface, and breathing in the White manbaby complainosphere air. But I guess that's the other thing I fear - even the best kinda normie White dudes are so inundated with alt-fascist talking points and pseudo-thought, how would I even know if his fundamental principles and beliefs had shifted for the worse?
I'm really glad this guy loved me enough to save my life once, at great personal expense, when he absolutely did not have to. I just also wish that uh... he didn't cater his film critique to an audience so far below his ability, and so deeply opposed to my very existence that they would've done the opposite in his position - paid as little money as necessary to make me die sooner.

"...if after I am free a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would come back again and again and beg to be admitted, so that I might share in what I was entitled to share in. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation, as the most terrible mode in which disgrace could be inflicted on me. But that could not be. I have a right to share in sorrow, and he who can look at the loveliness of the world and share its sorrow, and realise something of the wonder of both, is in immediate contact with divine things, and has got as near to God’s secret as any one can get." - Oscar Wilde, from a letter posthumously published as 'De Profundis,' penned in prison 1897.