Parker Posey's Mouth

"There's a new surgery all the sports stars are getting, it is called a muscle lift and it attaches springs between the muscle and bones so that they muscles are bigger and have more springs. This is changing the face of sport in several dangerous and new ways! among them most reliable accounts have described football players hurling passes between stadiums, hockey sports moving at speeds approaching vanilla one, and jockeys compressing themselves into very tight balls in order to decompress all at once and catapult their horse into the lead! We asked leading hospital doctors for comment and were turned down by all but the bravest. Doctor who would only be known as Johnny Checkbox said this; "

"We doctors are worning the pro star athletes to not do this surgery, because it is bad for the muscles and for the integrity of our sports. I told a star triangle player 'Don't do this because research indicates this will cause all of the meat to slide off your bones by age thirty years from now' and the athlete just said to me 'I couldn't care about that less! all I want is huge performance now!' I was afraid for my life!"

"A harrowing story to be sure. We here at News Station Satellite will have more news if there is any more news about this. If there is not - no. I'm Bianca Marple." Triumphant music