I don't know how I'm going to word this. It's really difficult to say because I can't predict the future, and I have very little self-control.
First off, I'm not going to take my own life, if that's the only thing you're worried about. You can stop reading now, because the rest of this post will be about my relationship with music.
I have been obsessed with music as far back as I can remember. I'm barely a millennial (born in 81), and I grew up mostly listening to video game music. I would use codes to unlock sound tests, or find them in the options. I'd have songs on repeat for long periods of time while I played with my toys.
So my upbringing is mostly video game music, but I also enjoyed the mainstream music my family listened to. One of my favorite bands is Queen. I also like Michael Jackson. There aren't many songs or bands that I heard that I didn't like. Music makes me happy, sometimes to the point of tears of joy just from listening to it.
It's not the words that are sung. It's the music itself that moves me. I'm terrible at hearing/remembering lyrics. I'm so focused on the instruments. That's why I write instrumentals. I get the impression that many people need the words to appreciate the music. Maybe that's why I'm a nobody.
I used to sing in the school chorus, and when it was time to go on to Junior High School, I was given a choice. I could either keep singing, or I could join the school band. I was a decent singer at the time. They tested me back then and I could repeat every note I heard by ear.
But the allure of something new called to me. I never played an instrument other than goofing off on a cheap keyboard. I chose the school band, the chorus teacher seemed upset. At this point, I stopped singing. I almost never sing now.
So I joined the school band, and the first roadblock occurred. I couldn't afford almost all of the instrument rental fees. I grew up poor. I've pretty much been poor almost my entire life. One of the only instruments that we could afford (I believe it was 50 for the year) was the trumpet, so I chose that instrument.
At first, I couldn't get a sound out of the trumpet. I tried blowing into the instrument, and nothing musically came out. It took me a few days before I could make any sort of noise. And the first sound that came out after days of trying, was a low "fart" sound. Band teacher didn't like that, but it soon developed into tones.
Once I figured it out, I became a good trumpet player. I did 3 years of trumpet (the 3 years of Junior High School), and my teacher eventually considered me a prodigy. He even had me try out for Julliard, a fancy school I think in New York City. I let my nerves get to me, and completely fucked up the audition (I also couldn't hit certain high notes).
I sound like my band teacher was just there, but he was the most important person to me outside of my family. He would play keyboard along with the band, and that inspired me to ask for a decent keyboard and learn how to play. We couldn't afford lessons, so I did it all by ear on a 49-key Casio keyboard.
I learned the Zelda overworld theme. I also could play the melody line for Michael Jackson's "Beat It". I spent hours, days, years, etc, learning the piano to the best of my ability.
And it was all in private. I wore headphones. No one was allowed to hear what I could do. After Junior High, I focused on the keyboard/piano. I was no longer in a band, and I stopped playing trumpet. I don't remember these years very well anymore, other than around 15 years old I started writing my own music.
One of my first songs was "Trial and Error", a song I wrote for a girl I liked (she would eventually be my girlfriend, still is after 24+ years). It's on my youtube and one of the Ad Lib albums.
I mostly wrote video game music for an imaginary game project I had called "Magic Coins". Some of the music on the Magic Coins Soundtrack are songs I wrote back in the late 90s.
In 1997, my father passed away. That's when I started writing music for him. The "Zars" music I wrote (March of Zars, Griever, Dance of Insanity, and so on) was for him. I recorded most of the songs I wrote on a cassette, which I do not have anymore. Before my father died, he bought me a really nice 61-key Casio keyboard with 6-track recording, which allowed me to write music that was more than just piano.
2000 came around, and I started searching for music programs that I could use without knowing sheet music (I can't make sense of complicated pieces of music, only one-note trumpet music). This would be the Ejay era of my life. Software that let you piece together music with a huge collection of samples that naturally fit together. It taught me song structure.
I eventually dived into programs like Cakewalk Sonar. I couldn't "write" music at the time. I recorded midi performances of instruments and layered them, similar to how the casio keyboard worked. I did this for a long time. These "MIDI" songs are also on my youtube.
I think it was 2004-2006 when I discovered Piano Roll, a way to punch in music notes without knowing how to read music. Changed things completely. I was putting out full songs. But because the internet was still kinda young, I couldn't share the music properly. I distributed midis for the most part.
Not much has changed since this point. The only thing that changed is that I got better quality virtual instruments (having a decent job and credit cards helped me grow my sound). Songs marked 2007 or so is when I started writing decent stuff.
At the same time, I started recording my "piano practice sessions" which I called Piano Journals. These were unplanned performances, almost entirely improv, whatever I felt like playing at the time. They were long recordings, I think the longest was around an hour, but 20-30 minutes was common.
I have a musical gift. I can write music, and I can stream it from decades of bullshitting my way on a piano. You know me, I've written over a thousand songs.
I started sharing music I think in 2007 or so on YouTube. Possibly later. I didn't really get much in the way of views. My Younger brother was/is very supportive of my music, and even writes his own incredible music.
I released my first album on Bandcamp I think in 2010. I deleted it because I have a history of going mental, and deleting social media and any trace of me on the internet. I eventually re-released "Walking in Circles" in March of 2011. That would be my first official album.
Since then, I've written over 70 albums worth of music. It's all on my Bandcamp.
My goal was not to become famous, but to become "known enough" to live a reasonable life off my music. That never happened.
And that brings me to why I'm writing this now. I'm giving serious thought to quitting music, or at least distributing new music I write. I'd only share it with close friends that showed interest in my music.
That's really all I have to say. I want to quit sharing new music. I'll leave the stuff I wrote already in case people discover it and share it.
Based on my stats, it would not be a change for almost all of you. I can count on 1 hand how many of you listen to the songs I share here on cohost. I usually get 1-3 views from here. My bandcamp is pretty much dead nowadays. I've had 13 listeners on Spotify for the past 28 days. I'm a fucking dead weight.
I could've written covers of songs to increase my views. My Deadly Premonition "Life is Beautiful" piano cover I recorded/wrote had almost 10,000 views before I deleted it from my channel. The idea of using other people's music to advance my own career makes me feel sick. I don't want to be known as the cover guy. I have little respect for people that go about doing this, even if their covers are amazing. That's just my way of thinking.
I wanted to do it with my own talent and sound. Some songs do seem to get hundreds of views, but I don't know why. I think the algorithm is trying to help me out. But it's too late. I don't want to keep banging my head against the wall. I'm done.
If you listened to my music, and read this, thank you for taking the time. What are my plans now? Probably going to upload a few compilation videos of songs I think people should listen to that I wrote. It's too much to ask someone to go back 13+ years and discover it on their own. I might upload some more of the Piano Journals I recorded from 2006-2020.
I might even sneak in a new song, but I'm not at the point in my mental state. Assume I'm going to give up on music, somewhat. I'm proud of my music, just wish it was heard by more people. I'm going to continue to be poor, living on disability, til the end of my days, which I'll be honest, I hope is sooner rather than later.
Take care.
