she/her, 29, low resolution brain goblin, prolonged Cinema-Media-Arts and Polisci undergrad, ongoing Gender Situation. Asuka for short, Asukapaper for long, and Jill for real
Discord ID: asukapaper (they took away the funny numbers, curses)
this is one of those very extreme 'don't trust your brain after 1:00am' sort of posts. i've drawn hard lines around accepting applications from people being thorny and i'm being more choosy of who i'm interacting with over there
Lowkey im feeling done with RED. Maybe I’m done with roleplaying as a concept, idk. I’ve been resting poorly on this realization, but only because it means I have to find a drastic way out while figuring out just what I’ve gotten myself into in making obligations as a game master for that server
Probably fulfilling the game I promised to run tomorrow, then shelving a request that I hoped to run, then saying that I may not be able to engage in a living community while being in my obligations as a student.
I don’t know what to do about the real estate scheme I engineered with someone who proved unable to respond properly when I kept drawing basic boundaries in-session. They’ll just have to find another person willing to put, god, idk, their entire life into grinding gm rewards like it’s a day job
I need to start seeing my irl friends again
I’ve sent this person a strongly worded dm, and to be honest if they can’t figure out how to apologize, that’s three for three and even the “get fucked to death” person knew how to properly apologize
this is still pretty fucked, though. nowhere near as fucked as last time, but still fucked
i'm just not going to do that format anymore. online gaming is super fraught, but the living community format is so fraught that I wanted to take this thing slowly, really check myself and my emotional state, and be assertive to people where i can. i was burning out before this exchange, now I'm just done. any more attempts and that's a grand fucking way to build a negative reputation, especially when I couldn't go on to run the games I promised
but I was prepping those games on the condition that i was being treated with respect. that went south really fast
someone checked in, asked what was up, reassured that nobody would blame me for leaving, and said that i ought be doing what's right for my own wellbeing. i'm not going to read too deeply into that at risk of seeing something that isn't there, but that tells me I was being bullied by a single actor while the community was none to happy losing talent
this community was dying and inactive, with a handful of power users sticking around with their mechanically overbloated pcs, which i should have taken as a red flag
I spent what must have been my everything achieving system mastery for this ruleset, hoping that if I was more competent people would treat me with better respect and not abuse me. I now realize that abusive people will really abuse me no matter what, and I could have spent the energy I used chasing games towards other things
This makes me really sad. I want the time back, I want what was done to me taken back
i've said this a lot, but red keeps being a bridge to other systems that demand more of me. and that's because RED demanded everything of me. it demanded perfection, which is something I shouldn't have anything demand of me anymore
i have a feeling i'll wake up tomorrow, feel rested, go to therapy, and this will be properly compartmentalized. i'll know the way forward. for now, it's all bleed all the way down
and for real. i don't like posting like this. there's so many things in the world that make me happy, like cohost. whenever i know something's going wrong in my life, it's either because i'm stressed and posting too much or i'm stressed and not really posting on here at all; i'm not sharing myself with people i know who care
edit: and a lot of friends I need to catch up with, now that I think about it.
I’m lowkey embarrassed having written a lot of these comments, but they’re this kind of testament to really being at my limit at a particular time, so the fact I find them embarrassing to read at least lets me know I’m out of that pressured mindset
Like, I’m not done with RED or ttrpgs for that matter, but I do admit I am thinking about making more genuine connections with people