i never noticed when i first showed my fur, when i first stood on two hooves, when i first stood on four. no, i never noticed when i turned, i only noticed when i turned someone else.
we were sat together, on the grass of an empty field at night. exposed, but in the moment, i couldn't care less - my golden fur and features on full display for her, ordinarily a terrifying prospect. and her, fidgeting and fumbling over words, nothing but her determination keeping her warm in the biting cold. to find a human willing to speak to a monster like me was rare, but she was a rare specimen indeed; someone i dared put my trust in.
after some scattered back-and-forth, she decided it was time; leaning forward, leaving her neck bare for my taking.
"What's a herbivore doing with those silly fangs? If you're trying to scare me off, it's not working."
"oh, we all have them, it's, how the curse spreads. they're poisonous. it wouldn't kill you per-se, but it'll be close enough."
"How much do you think it would take?"
and she continued to scribble in her notebook, not a care in the world... maybe that's what finally convinced me to let her have her way.
i bit, hard. i savoured the feeling, the taste of blood, the venom leaving my fangs, the way it made me feel to do what i'm supposed to give in to those thoughts that plagued me from day one. a special primal joy that i had no choice in.
her own yelp quickly quieted down, replaced by the little yips and yaps that her growing muzzle was made to handle. the changes radiated out from her neck, the mangled flesh quickly reforming and rearranging into something more suitable for her new form - lengthening waves of copper fur, metallic like mine, running through lengthening limbs after those terrifying claws. a tail starts to stretch its way around, an uncertain paw guiding it to an awkwardly-cut hole near the back, too high up. and then nervous laughter, which itself transforms into a beaming smile and infectious, contagious laughter.
she makes for a wonderful fox... and a brilliant, shining monster... and
maybe she'll be able to take care of herself
i mean, only copper, nobody's risking their life for that
and she's got some real weapons
not like the blunt excuses i'm stuck with
but who's going to teach her to use them?
nobody who taught me is around anymore
and i'm in no shape to teach her myself
does she realize the danger i put her in?
and for what? to have some company?
was it worth ruining her life?
kneeling down, her paw traces around my face, wipes away some of the blood. "It must feel crazy to do that, right? Scratching that itch to take a solid bite out of someone, hehe."
i look up at her, look into her eyes. i look at the way the light reflects around it, how it changes when she looks around. mercury? is that what my eyes look like too?
"And somehow, I'm still here in one piece. A little achiness, but other than that, it feels even better than I thought it would!"
she's talking, posing, gesturing... was it worth it, just to see someone like me?
"Almost like I could run to the end of the field and back without even noticing... I might even be able to run up the stairs and make it back alive!"
she's happy now, but the thrill won't last.
"Even better than that, though..."
she takes out that damned notebook, and opens a random page.
"...I can finally get a second good set of notes."
"so it is my fault."
"Huh?"
"i didn't take it seriously enough, did i? i made it look interesting, made it look fun, didn't i..."
"No, you-"
"i fucked up. you, you should just shift back and forget about this whole mess, it'll be easier for everyone."
"How am I supp-"
"what will you do when a friend finds out? what will you do when someone sics a hunter on you?"
she sits down now, putting an arm around my shoulder. "If someone lifts a finger on us, I'll split them in half. And I'll talk to my friends, they'll understand."
"you'll talk? that's it? you sure do have the confidence of a human, i'll give you that." and i can't help but flash a smile. maybe she'll subsist on pure confidence, is that a thing humans can do?
"Yeah, but I have to hope. That, or you turn a couple more of us, and we can be our own little pack, right?"
and she has the gall to laugh.
"Maybe I'll even ge-"
i push her away. suddenly, the dirt in front of me is the most interesting thing in the world. she shuffles next to me, but i pretend not to notice. it's still dark, but the birds are starting to wake up. we don't have unlimited time here.
i turn back into my human form. itchy and much too big, constantly wearing down my mind. "we should go now."
she nods at me, and looks back at herself. stares, for a moment, in confusion. oh, "do i need to teach you how to shift?"
she nods again.
"picture your body in your mind. now- oh, you already got it, huh?"
i guess it makes sense, with how familiar she must be with that form. at least that's one thing i don't have to worry about.
//
i didn't talk to her for another two weeks. whenever we'd cross paths, i'd just give her awkward silence, it's meaning clear to us both: "please stay away, please stay safe". all the while, my own urges started to resurface, redoubled. all that, for such a temporary reprieve...
it only ended when she showed up knocking at my door, fully in her fox form, in a hallway for everyone to see. of course i'd take her inside, it'd be murder not to.
and she just hops onto my sofa, not a worry in the world, leaving her bags around like she owns the place.
"So, what've you been up to?"
i'm not answering that.
"Alright, I'll start."
she takes out a book - a new one, but already roughed up - and opens it somewhere in the middle. and there's sketches of- other therianthropes? herself in the middle, and two others i don't recognize. they're not of my kind, at any rate...
"There's a couple more of us, scattered around the city. He," she points at the feline on the left, "taught me how to fight, and it," pointing at the rabbit on the right, "taught me how to better control my shifting. They're clever, but lonely; you should swing by to say hi, sometime."
i flick through the pages. no, there's not many of them, but they're all so interesting... animals and materials i'd only heard of in tales as a child. and they're right here?
she skims over the notes as i go. "Yeah, it's nice being a powerful animal and all, but getting to talk to others like me is even better. There's no way I could've held a conversation with them as a human; if you were secretive, everyone else is a bank vault."
"...you've done a good job taking care of yourself, huh? doing better than me, by the looks of it."
"A high bar, by the looks of it."
"hey!"
"You can't hole yourself up and expect things to go great, you know."
"humans are hard."
"They are, but some of them are pretty cool, it turns out."
"maybe... at least one, but they're not human anymore, so i don't know if it still counts."
i'm smiling, i didn't even notice, smiling at her. she's laughing, in a tone no human lungs could make and with a volume no therianthrope would dare project.
then i look back at the book, and notice a couple humans sitting in the margins. some holding their own papers, others surrounded by little animal silhouettes.
"I sure don't, but I've seen some curious humans in this time. And some shitty ones, but like I told you, they're easy to disperse. Some of them are just that: curious, friendly. I think they count."
"are any like you, then?"
"I, um. Tried turning one of them myself. Thankfully I did it a lot more gently than you did, because my fangs are actually just venomous. Not much, but enough to ruin the day for all of us, hehe..."
"wait, it didn't work?"
"Oh, no, not everyone's got fangs like yours. Or the will to do it, by the looks of it."
wait, what? was i just lied to?
what exactly did they say...
i try to remember, rack my brain to remember, but nothing comes out
just that feeling in the back of my mind
telling me over and over, go for it
"Someone else could've done it, but they seem to like the idea of metal more than silk."
holding back my whole life
until someone gives me a chance on a silver platter
a chance i can't resist
and i mess it up so badly!
but i need it
"So, how about you come over sometime?"
you can't just say something like that!
give me a minute, ok?
"sometime, sure. but... can i read some more?"
"Of course!"
and here i was supposed to take care of her
but maybe... maybe i need it more than she does.
i've been waiting my whole life for this.
it's one of those things that you always subconsciously know, in the back of your mind.
every bite i take that doesn't rip and tear..
every sound i hear that does not twitch my ears..
every touch i make that is not graced with the background noise of fuzz..
there's something to be said about how isolating it feels when none of the other humans around you so much as even acknowledge similar feelings.
one even offered to fix me with drugs, whatever that would entail. Everyone feels a little nonhuman sometimes, it's alright.
sometimes i feel as though i were born a demon, wishing that i would be cursed like those in legends past..
and then.
i saw her. out in the distance from my house. i was supposed to be taking out the trash, just as mom commanded, and..
the golden doe. i couldn't do anything but stare, transfixed by the almost mystical sight.
i had been reading on lycanthropes and therianthropes on the internet, as always just some ghost story another wanted to make, but none had spoken of our forests.
but somehow, i knew.. it was one of them.
they were real.
...i didn't come out of the room for weeks after that.
i cursed myself time, and time again wishing that i could've been like them, anything just to keep me from staring in the mirror and longing for anything visible, any sign that i was like them.
each new hair on my leg was something to be celebrated and to be hated.
it was ugly by human standards, but..
did animals really care?
afterwards, i decided that i had never seen the doe at all, and i was dreaming.
but every day. i'd wait by that forest just to see if i could spot it again.
she never came back.
but, a curious fox came to visit.
silvery eyes met with mine one night as i waited. i had been drawing in the dirt around me, silly wishes about paws and claws keeping me from seeing it. but when our eyes met, she darted away.
it became a game, every day, i'd wait outside for her, and i'd catch glimpses of copper fur, sounds of chimes whizzing by as it got closer.
if it touched me, i lost.
if our eyes met, it lost.
then, one day. i heard barking further down in the woods.
i'd been writing things in the sand again, waiting for her.
i couldn't help myself. i ran so far into the forest, the city seemed to melt away.
i..
huh..?
the yips had stopped. where'd she go..? i flick my ears back.
maybe she's that way?
i turn on my paws, the ground easier to traverse.
shifting my head down low, i smell the ground. she was just here..
turning up, our eyes meet again, but she does not dart away. silvery eyes meet mine in a knowing way.
was this what you wanted to show me, little fox?
i spot her den, just a little ways from here. i can't fit in that.
she snickers at me, and i try to speak.
"t-that yours?" my voice sounds funny.
"Maybe." she hops down from her tree, just a little giddy.
i cock my head at her, a little confused.
is something wrong?
"did.. did something happen?" her copper fur shines brilliantly under the canopy.
"Dunno. Why don't you take a look around?"
i look down. those are my paws.
i look to my right. i see her den, and soft gray fur.
i look to my left, i see her, and a pen in her paws.
a pen?
i plod over to her, taking a seat with my hind legs. a small sketch of a curious snow leopard in a forest. they look almost like a plush..
