i was supposed to make things better for you. i was supposed to keep you safe, safe from the world and all of its little horrors. i was supposed to protect you while the world tried to wear us down to nothing.
i was supposed to make things better, and then, when things were better, you could enjoy it, you would enjoy the wonderful life i would create for you.
"when things get better, someday."
and what did i do? i held you back, i stuffed you inside and deep inside. nobody can hurt you if they don't know you exist. nobody can call you names if they don't know your name. "one day", i always said, "one day you will get to live the best of lives". and i meant it...
and what would be left for me, then? to recede into the darkness, where you had stayed, to let you play your part? "no, my purpose will change", but why did i ever need a purpose?
and what of everyone else, so strongly chained into that nothingness? "by their own admission", i would think,
but i was always, always afraid of losing control.
//
i was a part of us made to survive, to persist. i was made to survive these people, this world; made to handle all of the tiny cuts, deflect them like nothing; never hold grudges or raise my voice; take advantage of the situation to suit myself; never take people's feelings to heart.
you could, you had to. you were the part that felt, that hurt, that needed these shields and masks to keep going. and so buried under masks were you, your face began to fade, and you let them become more real than yourself.
they, too, cracked. mended themselves with yet more layers, or made an attempt; they cracked, they shattered, and became people too.
now we sit at a crowded table, a loud room in the busiest of venues. instincts-turned-animals, trying to work together: they followed their instincts, and propped up one of their own to remain a mask.
//
you wake up, a bright sunny day. it's time to take a part of your life again, time to live. i have fixed nothing; i am what needs repair.