You need to buy a mattress. Or maybe test drive some cars. Touring a new apartment? It's intimidating to handle these situations alone, but you don't need someone else to help. You've got opinions, you've got preferences, you just find it difficult to speak up for yourself under pressure.
That's where I come in. I'm your friend who has never bought a mattress before. I'm your partner who doesn't know much about cars. I'm your cousin who won't be moving into this apartment but came along on the trip today. I'm useless, and I need you to do the talking.
Salespeople won't know what to do with me. They'll be burning 50% of their tactics trying to figure me out—I'm not even in the game. Sexist mechanics will look at me directly and ask "what brought you in today?" and I'll pathetically shrug and look to you for help.
Need time to collect your thoughts? I can stall for up to 10 minutes at a time asking questions that clearly paint me as dumb money waiting to be spent. I'm a decoy, a morsel waiting to be snatched up, only for you to swoop in and make the right demands to get what you need from a sales predator.
Up to 4 hours of accompaniment in exchange for a chicken sandwich and chocolate frosty from Wendy's. Extensions to 8 hours are also available with an upgrade to Red Robin. Please send any requests for customized backstory 24 hours before an appointment.
