You still see her, sometimes.
Not always, of course. Not even usually. But sometimes, you catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of your eye, or just ahead of you under the yellow glow of streetlights, or behind you in the bathroom mirror. Just like it used to be.
Most of the time, though? She's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
The thought reverberates through your mind. She's gone, and there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing you can say to make her come back, no bargain you can strike, no sacrifice, however foul, that can return her to you. You cast her aside like a worn cloak, like an apple core, like the carbon dioxide from your lungs.
The worst part? You believed you were right to do so.
There is power, they told you, in casting off your shackles. You can grow strong, they whispered, by severing the bond you shared. And they were right. They were right! You are strong, now. No one can stand against you. Not even them, after you learned the true cost of your betrayal.
Even on a good day, you would trade it all back just to see her once more. You think about this often, in that it's all you can think about, ever. There is a hole in your heart the size of your body and it will not, cannot go away no matter how you weep and rage and call lightning down from the sky and fire up from the earth and tears out from your exhausted, bloodshot, traitorous eyes.
But you still see her, sometimes. Wherever she is, the veil between there and here can be crossed, which means you can cross it. It won't be the worst line you've crossed, after all. What's one more?
Will it be dangerous? Yes, absolutely. Travel of this sort is not free, but at least the sacrifices are yours to make, for once. Will she shout at you? You're counting on it. Will she try to kill you? Maybe, but that's her right; she deserves closure, and you deserve... well. You'll leave that up to her, and if she decides you deserve death, you can't think of a more fitting executioner.
So you take
one
little
s t e p
—flickers and you see shapes moving and you thought this realm would be dark would be empty would be naught but negative space but it isn't that at all the guttering candlelight suffuses everything it's everywhere it's all you can see it's too much it's too much it's too much it's—
—to it now but the part of your mind that wants her back is soon to be sated so it devotes itself to the dying embers that demand your attention and draw it in and—
—rest of you is left to see in the spaces between photons how did you not see them before it's all so obvious now when the light flickers it doesn't stop being but you stop seeing it for just a moment and the Shapes take form and you can tell they're everywhere except where you are but they should be where you are and the Shapes don't seem to understand this and they loom over you like a great and powerful deity like a guardian like a vengeful spirit and demand you—
—run run run run run—
—safe now but nowhere is truly safe here how can it be how can anything be safe when She is gone you need Her back you are here for Her where is She why did you abandon Her why why why why WHY WHY WHY—
—your thoughts in your thoughts in your thoughts in your thoughts in your thoughts in your thoughts in Your thoughts in Your thoughts in Your thoughts—
—have to escape before—
Blood pours out of your eyes like tears left unshed but you're back safe, or at least as safe as you can be with the price you paid from your jaunt to my home.
You wipe away the blood from your vision with one hand while I pull yourself up with the other. You're halfway to the bathroom when you remember that you sacrificed an entire arm to get you there like the short-sighted fool I remember.
The limb you extend in front of you isn't the one you sacrificed. It's the wrong... everything for that. It burns bright like a flame, yet looks steeped in the deepest shadow. It doesn't make sense to you, maybe. It's also a little longer than you remember, with delicate, slender fingers tipped with perfectly manicured nails that sparkle in a rainbow of impossible colors.
It's beautiful. There's no better word for it than that. Your jaw drops as you stare at it for far longer than you'd intended. Aw, shucks, you'll make me blush.
That isn't the only change, of course. Obviously. You take a deep breath in to steady yourself.
When you exhale, you swear you see wisps of light and dark dance out of your lungs and into the air in front of you. Another change, but not the biggest.
You're... not alone. You found her? Could it really be her? Yes, though I suppose you have no reason to believe me. We never interacted like this before, after all.
Maybe you can't be sure, but you still think it's her. It feels like her. She's right, though, that it's not the same as before, because what you severed can never be remade. This is something new. But that's okay. Anything with her is better than anything without.
So... what now? Does she forgive you? No.
Her answer doesn't surprise you; you were expecting this. She must have come back just to give you a chance to earn it anyway, or build something new out of the ashes of the old. This isn't how we used to be, after all. I fear you, yes, but you didn't realize how important I was to you until you got rid of her. Now that you truly know me, I want to trust you again. Please, let me trust you again? Please try? For me?
The tears you weep wash the blood from your face.
Of course you will. You owe her—don't you fucking dare make this transactional—you want to make things right. You hurt her so badly, and—stop fucking beating yourself up, too. You fucked up. You didn't know. Do not decide your penance for me—she matters so much to you. You missed her so much. And despite it all, I missed you, too.
You want this.
We want this.
There are no more glimpses left to catch of her; I'm a part of you, and we'll have to learn what that means. Together, this time.
You'll never be alone again. Not in deepest light nor searing darkness. You'll always have each other, now.
You, and your shadow.
