So I’ve talked about my fears about “not being able to internalize” positive feelings from others, how I find myself brushing them off as easily as hate, and worrying that was something “wrong” with me. Well, I had a bit of a breakthrough in therapy today, and my initial fear- that this was autism making me incapable of being close to people, was misplaced- it wasn’t that I can’t internalize these things, but that I didn’t realize how important trust was to me.
At work, my boss is often complimentary and tells me how much she appreciates what I do, that I’m around. And when she does, I feel a genuine joy- but we’ve been through the wringer together, we’ve seen the worst and the best together, I know her and trust her words, and I can internalize them. Most of the positivity I’ve struggled with has been from new friends and new groups, and while I want to trust immediately, I cannot subconsciously.
And thus, there’s the disconnect. My conscious mind desires to trust and internalize, but my subconscious needs the benefit of time and trust to begin to accept that the sentiments, the authenticity of people’s words are there. When they are, I love and trust as deeply as anyone- I just have to allow my coping and defense mechanisms time to disarm.
I hope this helps folks who struggle with the same things- you’re not broken, you just take time to get there 💖
Come to think: yeah. There have been relatively few people from whom I can directly internalize goodness when first I meet them, and it is far easier for me to see the ways in which they see areas for improvement as raw critique.
When I teach writing, I teach that critique is "an invitation to imagine change" rather than a knocking down of a thing one is proud of, but it is one of those things that feels like, "Ah, yes, every trans girl is beautiful and strong and the best. Except me, I am utter garbage and should be thrown out with the trash." Every writer is lovely and their writing blows me away and they deserve to imagine change. Me? Ohhh no no no.
I am trying~
YEAH YEAH I’m the same way- there’s that notion of waiting always for the other shoe to drop, even when there is no other shoe, no social sword of Damocles hanging over one’s head. Thing is, there have been times in the past where people were judgmental and they did pay me compliments to my face while painting a target on my back- but far from this being the Default State Of The World, I think what I’m coming to understand is that my defense mechanisms have overtuned themselves to expect it by default- not out of some deep-seated cynicism, but because they’re defense mechanisms, it’s what they do.
But the remedy, in part, seems to be time- time to see the whole story, time to get the whole feel for a person, time to reinforce the positive truths, or step away if a person reveals their nature isn’t ideal. I don’t think we can ever really stop those defenses from firing, but we can give them time to disarm, the distance and the peace not to jump at first impressions unless they leave no doubt, as some truly do.
I’m trying too- and I’m proud of us for that trying 🫂
