Often deal wiff the feeling that I'm not enough. That I'm not queer or Trans enough. That no matter how much or how lil effort I put into things it'll never be enough.
It's something I deal wiff constantly on and off line but have only noticed it in super toxic environments like Twitter or around work or family.
Some social sites I never felt like I was Queer or Trans enough bc I wasn't taking part in the trendie selfie threads or getting all hung up in politics or whatever the current flavor of discourse was or any number of other things that seem to fit the stereotypical Trans Fems experience.
Almost like my particular flavor of being queer or Trans was always wrong, even though many of my friends would reassure me that I am and was enough and to just be me.
I know some of it is from being brought up in a world where what lil info was out there on the interwebs was found on problematic sites that gatekept and gaslit people wiff misinformation and saying you have to experience this that or the other to be part of the community or consider yourself whatever label you id'd wiff.
It's something that holds me back from personal growth at times and I really struggle to break free bc of the environments I find myself in.
Family and work wise I know no matter what I do for them I'll never truly be enough and at some point I'll cut them out of my life or move on bc simple being me on any given day is enough and if they can't accept and appreciate that well then it's a them problem and not mine bc I'm tired of being treated like shit.
Outside of the friends I've come to find over the last couple years, photography has really helped with allowing me to accept that I am enough and that what efforts I put into things is enough not matter how much or how lil.
I would stress over my work and mess with and fight with it to try and get it to look and feel right to get it to a point where others would like it and at some point I simply had to admit defeat with it.
I changed my process and how I looked at at my work bc my work only has to be enough for me and fit my needs. It's why my process is what it is and why once I get my photos the way I like them adjust/ edit wise I simply leave them.
Anyway, what was I getting at again?
Oh, right...In some circles I may never be enough to some people and they will always be the wrong people for me bc nothing I do will ever be enough for them.
The right people for me are those that have gravitated towards me or I to them and where simply being ourselves is and always will be enough.
