Every morning and sometimes throughout the day my partners and some of my friends ask me how i'm doing? It's part of a routine that i've come to expect and in turn ask the same question of them. Often wondering how they really are doing as i do worry about them or just wanting to check in.
When it comes to me and this question i often feel its a loaded one. My first instinct is to answer well thats a matter of perspective or ill answer that depends? I get that these answers come off a bit abrassive and i don't ever mean them that way. I've spent most of my life answering the question of how am i doing honestly, just to have it be met with dismissivness on the askers end or met with some other negative response.
So, over time while asked i usual say am doing fine or okay or whatwever the general in the middle of the road term can be used. I sometimes add overall i'm X, Y, or Z. That is not to say that i'm not actually doing alright or what have you in the overall sense bc i usally am just doing alright overall.
The truth of the matter is when it comes to the question of Arwen how are you doing? Is that i'm honestly not doing well and i know it shows a lot of the time whether i want it to or not. I've been stuck in survial mode for my whole life and at times feel like i know no other way to exist. It's a lot of the reason i'm so numb to things at times.
Anyway, the honest answer will be not well at least until my situation changes. I've struggled so long with my mental health that every day is a battle. The same could be said for my emotional health as well. I'm almost always stressed, frustrated or on edge about something and half the time i'm not even sure what it is? I'm boarderline exhausted and burnout while dealing with that dark place inside me and fighting with those ideas of unaliving myself, while knowing my family is honestly the cause of a lot of it.
I don't have a space to just come home and decompress and bleed off what energy has been absorbed throughout the day. No doors to close to drown out the loud talking, tv or drama and BS of my family. I have no actual routine or schedule that i can stick to and when i want to go to sleep i struggle bc my dad is in the other room sleeping on the couch while the tv is blasting. There are days where i feel like the only way i manage to get to sleep is bc my exhaustion has taken over and i simply pass out.
All i want is quiet and calm and yet i'm dealing with the chaotic energy of others. Needing a slow wake up to sort myself out and not give into that dark space first thing in the morning, but am met with people making excessive noise or yelling at the dogs.
Survival mode is all this is and i'm barely existing. I felt more alive and was starting to feel more myself while living in my apartment than i ever did with my folks. I could tell i was starting to recover from a lot of the abuse and stuff that i had suffered from the hands of my family. It was slow but noticeable as i started doing more my own thing and was able to get out and do whatever without constantly being asked what i was doing or where i was going bc it didn't matter. I still don't get why out of all my siiblings i'm the one thats so tightly controlled but that can be an entry for another day.
So, Arwen how are you doing?
Honestly at least for this morning and at the time of writing this. I'm doing pretty good. Still slowly waking up and slowly working my way through a cup of coffee. I actually feel pretty rested even though i missed taking my meds last night. I know it was the exhaustion taking hold and me needing to take advantage of a quiet house. When it comes to the Swifttail Collective we're hanging in there. We have a lot going on as seems to be a norm for us unfortunately, but we stick together through the good and the bad. We have the support of each other. The support of our friends. Thank you btw. And the support of our partners.
Everyday is a struggle for me and i take a lot of unnecessary responsibility. I'm being the best woof i can be as well and know i can be overly critical or hard on myself. I don't mean to be this way. The only thing i can do is keep taking it one day at a time.
Arwen Swifttail (Fae/Ae)