We saw life from the lens of not being cursed in a dream, had we never been profaned by holy water blessed in the name of a false god the catholics worship and kill for. Things werent perfect, but circumstance wasnt bent totally out of our favor; good things were allowed to happen and just be good things rather than traps to spring more suffering.
I fell in love, i got married, i wasnt repeatedly abused with more and more extreme gusto, my beautiful bride never fell for a deceiver and stopped loving me, i never met my woest betrayer, i never met my live-in problem. Life was ok, and... Even as it was only ok, it was paradise to me... I wasnt rich or powerful, i still had logistical issues like getting my poly in one town, and extended poly not wanting to move causing friction, i was still depressed clinically and hounded by untreated adhd and autism, my wife still only wanted to live in a house with just me, no other poly members, but it was all ok, because i still had her and the rest of our sanity intact. I was settling into my life, our life together, we had a movie night and i kissed her, only vaguely remembering notions of horror like "what if tjings didnt go this well?" But it was distant worries now, my life was good and my gorgeous bride was in my arms, i wept tears of joy.
She asked if i was ok, and i nodded "yes my love, im great, im just so happy..." I said as she wiped away my tears. We rekaxed and fell asleep together.
Then i woke up, in this bed, this house, in the same room as my problem, unloved by my would-be-bride, and i almist screamed in horror, getting me caught and making things worse. The tears flowed silently, breaths coming in starts abd stops.
"why did i have to wake up?"
"why is this my life?"
"is this hell?"
Then i remembered what hell is, not lakes of fire and demons, not theatrical brimstone and kinky torture. Its the repeated loss of what you rely upon to be happy. Its betrayal after all but the inability to just make it stop.
Its this, its my life, its hell. Not a metaphor, not a joke, not hyperbole... I died and this is my punishment.. But instead of a plane if existence its like... A quantum state... A waveform that wont collapse no longer how closely i observe it, like flipping a coin and having it land solidly on its edge... Its reincarnation but with something feeding on my suffering, i must have been something truly awful, truly monstrous for my punishment to be this ceaseless and extreme... Whats the lesson i am to learn? Was a user in a past life who led women along and abandoned them? Is that why its being done to me repeatedly?
Im given just enough to keep me from killing myself and ending the suffering... Just as im despairing, just as the loaded gun is in my mouth, just as my life is at its very worst... I suddenly get a run of good luck to beat the gods... I get something surreal, too good to be true, something i need at my core, and then when it makes me feel happy, and complete... Something always happens to ruin it no matter how perfect i was, no matter how attentative and kind... No matter how much i bit my tongue until it bled about things that upset me that they did... It wasnt enough, i wasnt enough... Because i coukdnt be enough, the object was my suffering, not my inadequacy.
But i know now, my life is hell, i can act accordingly now... Ill have to decide on what to do next...