I kind of want this in a less fragmented space but also somewhere it's less committal like my actual site.
tl;dr: Oh wanting to be null, that's dysphoria huh?
This gets LONG, and extremely rambly. I apologise but I just want to put all these thoughts here, clean up some bits but it's mostly from microblogging in private
This was kinda spun on from more ~raunchy~ thoughts but also apparently that's the time I'm at my most introspective thoughts. I'll keep the exact spicy deets off this 'cus it's not really something I want a: in this page in general; b: not really what I want to keep here so I don't just lose it under a load of private toots on Mastodon
A less crude way of putting it here I summarised as
Tits or a vagina? No
Big dick or balls? No
Nothing? YesNothing bad about those features!
Which is true! I do not want give either trans or cis people a yuck for their yum on personal preferences of either themselves and their preferences. But I was kinda reflecting on all this and thinking on if I had the time and resources I probably would do something about being "male" physically.
And it was only this time did I realise that this is body dysphoria. It's just not something I realised was 'cus it didn't fit the conventional "I wanna be feminine" or I wanna be masculine"
Like I got the gender euphoria part out of "oh I like being it/its and not gendered male/female/non-binary/etc." (though agender is technically non-binary in that it is a gender identity that isn't the binary but handwave) and landing on that but I thought "oh, I guess I'm just one of those people who only realise when they find something affirming that they hadn't considered because they were fine as 'the default'". But I never once thought about "oh this is dysphoria" at any point (Ignoring that I am not creature, like even if I'm not overly dysphoric over lacking a snout and paws etc., that absolutely is a thing for me admittedly :B)
Like I think in some ways that because most trans people I knew who were likely to transition, even if they were non-binary, wanted to be the "opposite" of their current body. They wanted to be more feminine in features or vice versa. Some wanted tits while other wanted to yeet the tits and so on. So I kind of just, figured I didn't have it 'cus it wasn't like that.
Which is fucking STUPIDLY reductive of those who suffer dysphoria in such a strong sense that some days it can be literally crippling. But I knew it also didn't mean that others didn't have milder forms, so why for me I didn't think it counted I dunno.
Maybe it was self-doubt on my part 'cus I kind of felt that because even though agender is technically "non-binary" that I side-stepped it all by going "I don't care" effectively. But I clearly do care. I clearly cared because I literally say "if I had the time and resources I probably would do something about being "male" physically"
Admittedly, I don't have those resources, and because it's not MTF transition the NHS wouldn't want to even want to take it seriously if it even had the money and resources for another gender referral thanks to a decade and a half of underfunding. I'd have to go completely private on it, and from what little I looked up a decade ago, mostly was a result of "most medical professionals don't want to do gender nullification" over here.
But it's just that realisation. Right there. I was fucking looking this shit a decade ago because "haha it's what if?". Sure past DO, "what if?"
Like when I had the realisation in 2022 about being agender but
- DarkOverord the dragon isn't sexless, but they're all internal stuff. They're masc in build but they're not outright "a male dragon" and never were really.
- DarkOverord the Toy Dragon is even less male and is null.
- Simon, the hedgehog I like to use now I lean on non-binary but even then I focused less on masculinity or feminity.
- The only really masculine fursona I have is Marcus the tanuki. And would I hate to be him? No but you what know he can do? Shape-shift.
- I use a Greninja currently on my AD. Its never been masculine or feminine
- Like my Obstagoon is possibly the most masc I go with myself and even then it is still "Yeah but fuck being male"
Wow DO you have a PATTERN here.
Totally non-dysphoria stuff to draw things like this yup yup
It's just fucking wild to me that I spent over a decade drawing and designing representations of myself like this. Why are brains so smart and fucking dumb at the same time????????????
Of course the true ideal is modularity that lets me have whatever I wanted when so otherwise I would like to be smoth please and thank. (Also let me be creature, be it scaly, rubbery, inflatable, furry or quilly haha)
I'd also at this point like to bring up danacorn (sadly on Bluesky so I can't boost it here) when they were doing a "ask Ozy and Milo" type comics ('cus Milo's trans! Great for them) god this panel resonated a lot with me (from https://bsky.app/profile/danacorn.bsky.social/post/3kg7kyod2fh2p )
And I feel like this is a big reason why I came to all this "late". I just never really considered my own gender (or lack there of) to even ruminate on it. But boy howdy am I now lol
Anyway I believe that this is your nearly 6-monthly "DO goes on about gender things because they're a decade late to themselves". But I know it's not about the "when" but about the journey regardless of age. Even... if I do feel like I wasted a decade of my life going "yes I am male :)"
This also leads me to ponder on Neutrois and what that means to me, and I think another reason I feel awkward using Neutrois as a label for myself is that I like having my beard but that's very much a masculine thing. But also if I wasn't fucking human I wouldn't have it anyway???????? Like this feels very much a "well I have this shell and I hate how I look without the beard" so ??????????????
Like my beard as is feels very much like a "but I hate how my human face, that I have to unfortunately deal with daily, looks without the beard". Like as a fluffy animal with a snout a lil chin tuft is cute! And DO the dragon doesn't have ANYTHING there.
Meanwhile as a human I feel like I need it.
But I guess all the other thoughts kind of lean on Neutrois being a pretty valid label for me in the same way Agender is.
ANYWAY THAT'S IT.
THE EVIL IS NOT DEFEATED 'CUS MY BRAIN KEEPS THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR THE PAST WEEK.