Great news for anyone living in Massachusetts, you don't need to top up your Dunks with Jack Daniels in your workplace parking lot anymore. Real timesaver!
I found them at my local supermarket, blacked out and ended up back at my apartment with a case of 12 cans. I've had a longstanding fixation on both bad junk food/beverage ideas AND longstanding brands making the poor decision to pivot to alcohol. As a result most of my junk food/alcohol purchases are made from a point of morbid curiosity rather than actual taste.
I'm not sure when I will try these. I love coffee (not Dunks though) but I am very sensitive to caffeine so I usually have one or two a day and stop drinking coffee after three in the afternoon. I also work a normal shift so drinking them during the day is ill advised. Guess it's, like, a weekend brunch drink? IDK. Will report back with my findings.
It's real fuckin' bad, dawg.
I had a feeling this would be the worst one, but I went with it first to get an idea of what I would be dealing with. I really hope that the chocolate, caramel, and vanilla flavors do a lot of heavy lifting on the next three because if not I've got eleven cans of awful coming my way instead of just two.
The first sips were especially strange. To my confused palate it refused to meld together into one beverage, instead feeling like I was drinking two separate liquids from two different straws. One of those liquids was something akin to an unflavored Smirnoff ice, a clearly malt-based alcoholic drink with a lot of artifical sweetener. The other was like a particularly unpleasant take on one of those non-coffee seasonal drinks you get from too-expensive coffee shops, the ones that are made with some herbal syrup you've never heard of before mixed with mint and soda water. I usually like those, you can identify individual spices and flavor notes in a new and interesting way, but here it's just some vaguely earthy/fruity compound that my partner, who couldn't even stomach a single sip, pointed out smelled a lot like banana. Together these strange flavors fight for dominance in my mouth, and whoever wins I lose.
You'll notice the one thing I definitely don't taste: coffee. There's no bitterness, not even the bittersweet flavor that you'd associate with coffee flavored candies or ice cream. It's the least coffee-flavored coffee product I've ever drank. There's just a vague suggestion toward coffee in the color and the aftertaste. I know it's a tired joke that LaCroix tastes like water left next to a fruit, but that's the closest thing I can compare it to. It's like drinking a weak, too-sweet beer while you're sitting in a Starbucks, or more acurately, near the dumpster behind one.
I am in no way a coffee snob, I'm not going to turn my nose up at you and tell you that your latte isn't real coffee and that real men drink it black or whatever. This shit is not coffee. I don't even know what the fuck it is.
Stay tuned for the next three flavors, I guess.