I want to imagine your smiles when you think of me. The nice things you say when I’m not there, the mannerisms, the jokes you repeat, the love you hold in your hearts. For a long time, I didn’t realize how much I struggle to see that in people, how my brain and my body fight against the very notion that I’m anything but tolerated, always looking for “proof” that I’m being used.
Social media, especially for someone who creates things, can be a lot of that being used. People who only like me for my art or my writing, who are always looking for angles and ins to my life, thinking they’ll get something out of me. For all the good Cohost was, I’m not blind to the fact that many people here were like that- their silence this last month is pretty telling, among other things. The well dried up and they looked for someone else.
But you. You know who you are, and you know you’re different. You’ve heard my excited babbling, my laugh, seen my smile on critters many and myriad. You speak with me outside of a social media platform, you’ve heard my insecurities, seen me fall short, and you think and speak of me fondly, even when I’m not around to see it. You fill my life with love even when trauma blinds me to it, when pain blurs my eyes and dims my ears.
And I want to tell you I see it right now, and I love you more than words could ever say.
Thank you for taking this silly, foolish potato of a fox into your lives. Here’s to many more adventures.