I think I've come across a revelation as to why I never stick with exercise routines. I think I'm lazy, but then when I start doing it I start falling off because I just don't enjoy it. My brain won't let me, and I've been told I just gotta push past that. Truth be told my stupid IBS has actually mentally damaged my will to go out and do things. I absolutely shit myself in my pure white Taekwon-do uniform at one time and cried and damn if it's not a huge part of why I'm scared to work out (or literally go anywhere without knowing where a toilet is).

I see far fitter and buffer and cooler people than me try to motivate me and it makes sense, but I still don't. I've had my active phase and I've been burned by it in kinda shitty ways. But honestly, I think I know what I need.

I need a partner. Not just someone who'll motivate me, but someone who's in the same boat.

Someone who'll scream and shit and hate and flail and rant that this is stupid. "This fucking sucks dude." "I'm gonna shit my pants god." "Why do bodies do this it's stupid." "Fuck these gains what's the point uuuughgguh."

I need someone to piss and cry at. I need someone to HATE it with me, but have the same idea. I need to be fuelled by spite and sheer unkept RAGE. I need to saddle up to the guy, covered in sweat and bile and mutter to them "look at that goddamn dick who thinks they're king shit because they can do 200 press ups and gain everything from it. Stuck up chode, fuck 'em." and then use that to do another set of 10 and die.

I am incapable of hate on my own, because apathy doesn't move mountains. Only extremes can. All this is probably the stupidest goddamn thing you've read this morning, but right now it makes more sense than a lot of things to me.

So I'll stick to 10 a day. See where that gets me. Maybe I'll feel better, but yeah, one day I'll maybe have an ally in cardiovascular hatred or some shit I DUNNO