Okay, you meaty beauties - pull up a chair and bend your ear my way. I'm John Arby, King of Arby's, and I'd like to address a gap in our menu. I respect and value our vegetarian and vegan allies in the battle against the green things in this world - things that aid and give comfort to cows. Now, there are meat free alternatives for them to enjoy a burger, but not here at Arby's; that leaves the beef side up on players. So here at Arby's, we're introducing the Mega Beefer. The bun, the salad, the cheese, the sauce - it's beef all the way through. I'll be honest, it's actually just a cow. It comes in a damn big wrapper, though. I hope you've got dental insurance. I'm John Arby.
I give up, Mack is just John Arby now
the steamy, beefy crown is all yours
Nobody panic, beef queefs. I'm John Arby, King of Arby's, and so can you. Some men live with a fire in their soul that stokes a burning passion, and here at Arby's that passion is a grill. There's eight billion of us in the world, and by god, we've got a lot of cows to deal with. They just keep making more of the bastards. We're all of us John Arby; heroes in a fight against beef. You have the passion. Take your shirt off. You're the grill. God damn, you're hot. It's burger time. You're John Arby.
Put down the beef keef and eyes up for the beef brief. I'm John Arby, King of Arby's. You might be wondering how so many different people can simultaneously be John Arby. Well, wonder no more. See, we've recently discovered that, get this, people can only eat so much beef before they physically rupture. Crazy, right? You'd think there'd be a law. Anyway, the eggheads down at the lab said we needed to start branching out into new quantum realities for advanced new methods of meat consumption if we were ever gonna deal with the bovine scourge, and long story short, there's now a quantum Arby's interstice overlaying all possible realities and ape-descended beings. Every restaurant? Also an Arby's. The good news is by forcing all extant primates across a billion billlion billion dimensions to mantle a portion of the smoldering steak-lust that burns through my soul like the chariot of Helios across the dawn sky, we've increased our ability to convert cows into a digestible protein homogenate by 34% on average. The bad news is we've discovered approximately 7,429,756% more cattle. Grab a pitchfork and dig in; I'm not gonna eat all this beef myselves. Now we're all sons of bitches. We're John Arby.

