For the past few days, I've been doing a deep dive on what it is I'm trying to do with myself.
I'm pretty sure I want to help people embody their true selves, their inner identities, if only because that was so fundamental to my own personal development. I was lonely and unfulfilled for so many years, and I don't want anyone else to have to deal with that. I want people to be able to seek what's important to them, and find companions in doing so.
But this meant figuring out what "identity" even means to me. This involved a lot of intellectual meandering, but here's the highlights:
- I see an "identity" as a set of responsibilities taken upon oneself; one's relationship to a concept that works to support and protect that concept. (e.g. I am a woman and I take on certain aspects and perform certain actions in support of womanhood, both mine and others'.)
- It's critical to understand that these responsibilities are internally chosen. Responsibilities that are expected of you, or otherwise externally pushed upon you, do not define your identity. (e.g. The role of "man" was externally expected of me, but internally, I rejected it. Similarly, others have their own ideas of what being a woman means, and extend these expectations to me as a woman, but I do not necessarily accept these same expectations. I create my own.)
- In spite of the above point, it is possible to take on internal responsibilities that involve other people, and this is a valid part of identity, but can end up complicating things. (e.g. I am a wife, which means I have taken on certain responsibilities in regards to supporting my spouse, but these responsibilties are occasionally impacted or adjusted due to who my spouse is and what choices she makes.)
- Identities generally fall into five different categories, or are often informed by the five categories:
- Views on morality and how to enact them (e.g. political, philosophical, religious)
- Views on the structure and functionality of the world, life, or society (e.g. political, philosophical, religious)
- Favored emotions or aesthetics (e.g. artistic, gendered, sexual, ethnic)
- Personal skills or preferred courses of action (e.g. artistic, professional, hobbyistic)
- Personal community or social circle (e.g. any of the above, really)
- By definition, I cannot create a general guide to helping someone find their own personal identity, since everyone is unique, and I am limited by the viewpoints of my own identity. However, I can at least relay the process through which I personally came to understand my own identity, and others may use my experiences as a reference or resource for their own journeys if they choose to.
So with that conclusion, that leaves me with the question of, what is my own identity? I have taken on many, probably including many I don't even recognize or have specific names for. However, I can say that certain aspects of myself stand out to me as more important than others.
- I am queer. (More specifically, I am trans, lesbian, and plural.)
- I am a woman. (More specifically, I am femme, cuteness-focused, and a wife.)
- I am a creator. (More specifically, I write, draw, program, and just generally daydream a lot.)
- I am a furry. (More specifically, I have transhumanist leanings, and... okay I also just think furry girls are hot)
Finally, bringing all of these points together... I want to explore these identities of mine in more detail, for two main reasons. First, I want to be the most that I can be. Second, I still see this as a way of helping others to explore their own identities, as well, even if for some of them it's only in an indirect fashion. I want to illustrate the kinds of questions and considerations that come up when exploring and determining one's own identity like this.
In line with this, I suppose this post is also a declaration of intent for what I want to focus on in this blog, moving forward. I'm still gonna be doing the stuff I usually do, but... I want to examine media that relates to as many parts of my identity as possible, simultaneously. Not only does this let me engage with more aspects of myself at once, but it allows me to see how these different parts of myself might potentially overlap and interact with each other.
I plan to accomplish this by focusing on reading werewolf lesbian fiction for a while, and exploring what all it means to me. Or any lesbian furry stuff, really, but genre fiction is an especially systematic way for me to do that right now, and I like being systematic. I think I'll be starting with Fox Run by Robin Roseau, since as far as I can tell, this is part of the longest-running lesbian werewolf series on the market today.
I'm planning on doing book analyses similar to what I usually do, but now it will be specifically from the perspective of how it helps me explore these different aspects of my personal identity. Hopefully, this will help guide me in what I want to do with my own unique creations, as well. In any case, I hope it proves to be an enjoyable time for all.
(Audience member in the back: "Did she just write a philosophical essay to rationalize reading about lesbian werewolves?")