Today was a real soupy day. Worked on some submissions but no writing/editing. Specifically not using pronouns as a subject in sentences because who the fuck is this? Or anyone at any point during the day? It's unknown.
Plan for tomorrow is to hop on the bike and go to The Good Bakery (cake, cookies, tea breads, that kind of place) and buy a bunch of sweets. And get lunch (pizza? burgers? idk we'll see what seems good). Those are all things that several people like so someone should take the reins and really be in control, right?
This "I am no one" feeling is weird. There's a "who am I" folder on the desktop that has "portraits" of various alters but....this is definitely not any of them. There is no sense of self of any specific person. No strong desires. But it's not the nothing of Silver. And there is "conciousness" and the sense of "I am inhabiting this physical body in this current moment in time in this reality" which isn't there when other people are fronting.
So who am I even? Why do I have access to a lot of memories/knowledge but not a lot of skills or any emotions or sense of self?
I should probably actually write in the journal. The thing you're supposed to do when you're not sure who you are or is very much not bird to record things. I will do that now, hopefully that can get someone else to show up and maybe answer some of these questions.
- ?????
lol okay, so
???? grabbed the notebook and then hopped into bed (that is the comfy writing spot) and the jump was Just A Little Too Fun so Karu(? probably) went "omg wheee" and enjoyed it and that brought me back. So that brought me, bird, to the front. So I was the one who wrote in the journal.
BUT!!! ???? was still around enough that I could ask questions and write stuff down. So now e has a name (internally, have not figured out a suitable one to share just yet) and what e looks like. And pronouns, as you can see. This is a set of neo-pronouns I'm not very familiar with so it will take some getting used to! But I can figure it out.
E is a fictive....kinda? E's based off of one of my characters in one of my stories, but e is not that character in personality or backstory or anything. Is it a fictive if it's your own story?
I also went through the "system map" which is just a mess of a google spreadhseet with data all over. I "archived" two alters who only showed up, like, once or twice when I was doing "spirit work" and was trying to summon other guys. And I haven't seen hide or hair of them since. Were they alters? Fragments? Visitors? I do not know! But they're something different than everyone else here.
Anyways, I added ???? and "business alter" and moved some "kintypes" around. So we are still at a population of 12. So now there's just one that I am not entirely sure is a separate person? It might just be me (or someone else) super dissociated and having a bad time. But the whoever that is doesn't show up all that often so who knows.
-bird