I feel like writing a sincere post here because blogging without character limits has got me inspired. I don't have a lot of room or incentive to be 100% completely sincere on twitter if I'm being honest. To quote a song I enjoy; "It's all about building the brand". Anyways hope this is a fun read, I'm not used to writing anything remotely as long as this.
So it all started when I was talking with some friends, I don't remember what the conversation was about but that's not relevant, they pointed out: "I've been treating you as if you're not neurotypical" and that kind of shattered some truths I had about myself, I had never really put serious thought into the possibility that I'm not "normal", in the neurotypical sense. I was by that point convinced I had ADHD and fit in the neurodivergent umbrella due to that, but I was still under the impression that I was mostly "normal", I just had some trouble with mental health issues (depression and anxiety) and social awkwardness like anyone else, but the more I read about autistic traits, the more everything in my life started to make more sense in a way that I find hard to describe.
My friends showed me an online autism test that was said to screen out non autistic people and depending on your score the test would give you a "high likelyhood of autism", I took the test, it was confusingly worded, but it all hit close to home for me, the typical questions like "do you prefer to spend time alone", "do you find it hard to determine when it's your turn to talk", "difficulty following conversations", "difficulty determining if the person you're talking to is bored or uninterested", it all just. clicked. I ended up getting a high score, well past the threshold of "likely autistic", and that was like throwing fuel into the fire so to speak, I was definitely more invested in this possibility, like I said, it explained so much about everything.
Another day I was browsing twitter like usual and stumbled upon a post describing common autistic traits, and one item on that list hit me hard, it just said "t-rex arms" and all I could think was "Oh." or alternatively "oh shit". I started looking up several more lists like that about autistic traits (not that I hadn't been doing that after the test), and I kept finding a lot of them relatable, like sensitivity to noises? Check. Motor functions impacted? I have been asked before "why do you walk weird?" So... check. They just kept coming and at some point I had to deal with and adjust to this different reality, which maybe has always been true and I never saw it before: I was not neurotypical, there were too many signs pointing otherwise.
A big sign I should've realized sooner pointed to that was the funny greek letters animals use on the internet, my relatively recently newfound therian identity. There's not a lot of neurotypical people who strongly identify with an animal, or think about being an animal or having animal features, like a fur coat, a tail to swing around, ears and a long snout, things like that (hi I'm a wolf!), but I'm getting off-track, that's not the main point of this rambly post.
Main point is I'm glad I have autistic online friends to talk to about this, they've been nothing but kind, supportive and understanding during this big moment of exploration I was undergoing (and still am, hello imposter syndrome). I genuinely love my friends and I'd like to thank them for being kind to me, for listening and talking to me, having people who know these feelings better has been a great help, they've all helped me understand things a little better.
My friends have been more supportive than both mental health professionals I frequent, offline all I get are people who don't believe me, people who keep talking around me, it's unpleasant. It's a rare occurence where I have in-person contact with other people and yet it all feels so cold, I'd love to be more understood and comforted, but what I hear instead is "maybe this is due to something else".
Well I don't want to end on a downer, so I'm hopeful for an appointment I have with a doctor next month, where I get to talk about all this with someone who can hopefully help me with an official diagnosis. I'm anxious if that doctor will believe me but I'll just take things one step at a time, talk about all the autistic traits I relate to a lot, ADHD and focus issues... I'm looking forward to that, in the end I think this will all be worth it, I'll understand myself a little better in spite of all the bullshit in the way of that goal.
Like I said in the title, it's been an experience.
