The feeling of missing something is nothing new for me, it appears every time I am not at the bottom of depression and don't have anything to distract myself with. Right now, this is the case—I don't have anything in particular to do except for playing games. The approaching classes won't fix it, for this so-called 'university' is a joke.
The truth is—I am not sure if this void is in any way related to what I do. If there is one thing I am sure of regarding existential questions like 'what is it that defines me as a person, and why do I feel like I don't have it?' is that they have more to do with psychiatry than with my hobbies, studies, social contacts, etc. But this notion or even a formal assessment and diagnosis mean nothing as long as they solve nothing. Even in the ideal world where I have access to something resembling therapy, what do I even say to the therapist?
If this is a trans thing, then I am fucked
Seeking help with transitioning or even presenting in any way other than a man is out of the question forever. I am dyspohoric and all but sure the idea that my body, appearance, age, name, the place where I live, in no way determine who I am is, too, a form of gender dysphoria (there is more to it, though). I can't change any of that.
*If this reads like I am trying to cope with existential dread by programming and messing with hardware, I absolutely am