kinda just want to write out some emotions now. cw for bullying
man i really hate how much i got affected by being constantly bullied, yknow? like how much it weighs on my consciousness, how it just drags me down even today. i sometimes sit and doubt how "bad" it was in some contexts, esp in regards to my local smash scene, but like
i clearly communicated how often i disliked seeing my face in shitposts. how often i disliked that my mere name was a punchline. it was meant in lighthearted jest, but i really didnt like getting turned into a defacto mascot for an entire province of people. i communicated that it was fucking exhausting, and i would tell my close friends a few times that "no i'm sick of this can we stop" but they'd just keep doing it. they just refused. that "i can't control a meme" or whatever
so i just. never had any power in the situation. no matter how hard i tried. and i guess part of that is why i'm where i am now, where i'm like, constantly worried about my own performance and all of that - a very common joke was me constantly being "honorable mention" on the PR, just outside of the top 10. and it was literally just. "honorable mention galaxian (old tag) haha" that was the entire joke. that i was HM. it was just that, nonstop.
and i was so focused on trying to break that mold i guess that it's resulted in this like, instinctive desire to "outperform" that image for myself. to have people not look down on me, but to at least respect and enjoy me. hell, i think i've got a bit of a like... i guess enjoyment of getting praised as a result. sometimes it goes to my head a bit, not in a bad way, but i kinda inflate my own ego, so i crash even harder when it turns out to be wrong, because i guess my brain defaults to going "you're back at this point"
it's just so weird that it just never stopped, because you know what's crazy about this? my girlfriend, who i met via another local smash scene (when i moved to a diff town for university), was someone who was at least a little familiar with the jokes compared to other people in there since it was relatively separated from the entire rest of ontario. and she made the joke once on my facebook profile, back just before i moved there, and she noticed that i liked every other comment but not hers
so you know what she did?
SHE DIDN'T MAKE THE JOKES. SHE RECOGNIZED I FOUND THEM ANNOYING, AND THUS... JUST STOPPED. it was that easy!!! and now i'm in love with her!!! i will marry that woman for her actions!!!
and that scene was the best ive ever been in because i was in a scene with people who were friendly and nice and it ruled. we would get on eachothers nerves but it was always CLEARLY in joking ways. and i still love everybody in that scene. not a SINGLE PERSON overstepped boundaries. it ruled! it was amazing. and like. my girlfriend had better situational awareness than literally several cities and regions. how. how did she have better awareness than everybody else. i dont get it
it was weird meeting up with my friends last year for some birthday stuff and it's going all fine and whatever and then theyre talking about how someone else in the region has "taken my title" and theyre doing all this to someone else. it makes it so i dont really want to bring it up with any of them. i dont really need their forgiveness. i dont think i can forgive them because if theyre just so eager to replace me then why do i want to go back in. why do i want to hang out with them at all.
i havent really talked to any of them in months. i dont think ill ever really hang out with them again if i'm being honest. i don't want to ever really see them again. i think if i brought it up, none of them would apologize. theyd find roundabout excuses
just wish it wasn't so easy for me to get set off by. it makes me so prone to not only being snappy when being fucked with in kinda-mean ways but also it makes people attracted to me like magnets who DO deliberately want to fuck with me and demean me and i have a worse reaction to it because of pre-existing trauma. i hate that! i can differentiate when it's jokingly and fun between friends but when it feels more personal it literally feels like a dagger in my chest. its that hypervigilantism just burning my soul apart. it sucks. i hate it
i hate that it was always me.
