im just one tired girlie, y'know? it feels like everybody i know is in agreement with me that i don't need to be rushing forward recklessly but my family is convinced i need to be. that i'm being stagnant, that i need to "get going" (even though i only graduated a year ago...), that i cant be lazy. like theyre terrified i dont have my future completely planned out.
my future is living with my wife in our own place. i have my pension set up and ill go from there. ill take it as life gives it to me. im completely content with things, i am not putting myself in a worse situation by doing this, by working as a supply. yes its not full time but it sure fucking pays well so i dont mind right now. i will start looking for full time work next year. i have said this and it is true. i do indeed feel more confident about it.
it is so fucking frustrating they dont have any faith in me that they feel like they need to constantly prod and remind me and make sure i know, all because i guess this summer was a little slow. im sure thatll change once i start working again but still lmfao.
they think i'm my brother, they're terrified at the prospect that i might end up like him, because... i guess we have the same interests. so clearly that means i am going down the exact same path as him. youve got it so right dude. you know me so well. i clearly admire my brother more than anything, and i clearly use him as inspiration for my life.
why cant i be trusted with my future? why do you feel the need to be scared for me? why do you need to see every step played out? that if i don't tell you i'm thinking about it, i clearly am not in your eyes? ive talked about this with others, i talk about this with my girlfriend, everything, and nobody is on my case for this quite like they are
i know they mean well. i know they just want the best for me and they care for me. and they want results, they're scared things might veer off course and they won't know how to help. they WANT to help, but they don't know how. they're doing what they can. and i appreciate that, but after a while, i just feel like i'm getting nagged for not being exactly what you want. i know that's not what you're trying to do, but after the upteenth time, after you say "well it's important" for that much time, when do you think i know? do you think i just conveniently forget? do you think it isnt on my mind?
i'm 25. i am an adult. i am thinking about these things. i am not a child, i am not a idiot. i am going at things as i can, and i am happy. i want to be happy. because i have been tired for so long.
i am not my brother. i am me. my dad yelled and screamed and shouted at him for all sorts of reasons, and now thinks i'm ending up the same way, but is being much gentler about it. maybe it's because i had to listen to it so much. maybe it's because i had to hear you hit him so much. maybe its because i watched you be fucking furious with him 24/7 and instead of dealing with it by going to therapy, youve taken it out on me in this strange method. you clearly show remorse, but at the same time, you do not wish to change