Gearhook

A Clown, A Goblin, A Helluva Woman

  • she/her

I make games and talk far, far too much. My views and expressions do not reflect that of my employer at any given time. 🏳️‍⚧️/👩‍❤️‍👩/🍒


So here is something that has been bothering me for a while. Whenever someone speaks about, or is seeking out, a Triad dynamic in their romantic life they immediately get an influx of people to "Correct" them. To "Warn" them.

To some degree, and with some nuance these intercessions are positive. The concept of unicorn hunting is detrimental and can lead to broken hearts or worse if communications are not clear and honest. Championing concepts like not prescribing how someone acts, or putting someone in a box, or defining roles for a partner before even meeting them is important. Further, wanting to ensure someone is understanding that building a successful triad involves developing individual connections, not just an amalgam is excellent advice! As well as raising awareness of Couple's Privilege.

However there starts to be a toxic overstepping of bounds when the advice starts continuing further, and further. "Just date separately. You are individuals now." is not helpful. Assuming people are destined to be Poly in the form or function of O(n) is projective and harmful. Assuming the only people who are seeking triads have "Not done the work to truly open up" is also harmful. Not every seeker is driven by fear. Many are driven by a need for completion. "That is just Mono with extra steps." is also harmful. It is gatekeeping and prohibitive.

The concept of "What if this third person is only attracted to one person in the Dyad?" also comes up a lot. This also comes up as a "Rule" or under the umbrella of Couple's Privilege. This confuses me greatly. In fact, it illustrates why I think these reactions sit so poorly with me to begin with and why I think that hard and fast stance against closed triads- or people seeking to form them. If I did Date Separately, then like any normal person part of dating is facing the goals and reasons for dating. In my case it is looking for another helping of forever. That is to say, another long-term dedicated partner with a significantly large portion of dedication of our time to each other. Further, there are some interests and core traits we would need in common, or dealbreakers. Everyone has them. For me, my new partner would need to love my current partner as much as I do. So why beat around the bush and start separately to begin with? Yes, this can be heartbreaking at the dawn of sparks igniting if a triad drifts to bonding to one side of a dyad and not the other. It is more heartbreaking to foster an entire functional, loving relationship that blooms just to come to a blocker and ultimatum that cannot be followed through on. The emotionally mature response is to accept the topology doesn't work for this set of three people and accept you have found a new friend instead.

You do consider people worthy enough to be lovers to be worthy enough to be friends, right?

For the record, this is the link from the second image. It has a mix of the positive advice and toxic like I had been pointing out. It is not all doom and gloom. There are plenty of folk who I think agree with me. Seeking a triad is emotional labor. It is work. Any relationship is. You cannot just say that you are a couple looking for a third, wink, and hope a magical person shows up and moves in to make your life better. A Triad is 4 relationships at the same time that all need tending. Each person is responsible for 3 of the 4 at any given time: AB, AC, BC, ABC. Each person in the Dyad is not gaining One Partner. They are gaining Two Living Relationships to tend in addition to the one they are used to. Failure to understand that any potential partner is their own, living, breathing person with their own ambitions, hopes, fears, hobbies, lusts, traumas, experiences, and preferences is a preemptive failure not only as an attempt to engage in making a Triad, or in Polyamorous dating, but in dating another human person period. People need to be viewed as deeply and complexly as you view yourself, and by extension deserve that respect inherently.. It isn't a hard concept to understand. It just takes energy and effort to demonstrate and practice.

I just needed to get that off of my chest. I have been frustrated as I read and look and lurk.


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