So our pre-closer called off today (and tomorrow but that's tomorrow's problem), which means it was just the closer and me for a couple hours, which sucks but also means we get paid for our lunches, which is something management hopes we don't know and I make a point to have them verbally confirm every time. It was a drag but honestly we got super lucky with it being slow enough that one person could solo while another did tasks, and we got out a reasonable time. But my closer's basically a kid still, so she has to wait for her family to come pick her up, and I'm not the kind of guy that's gonna leave a kid standing around in a crummy parking lot so I wait too, and boy did we get to watch one hell of a show.
So we get deliveries every day, which means often when we're leaving there's a large big rig pulling back up to the store, and today was the same, except there was a tiny pickup truck behind it and three people were standing around with their hands on their hips all looking glum. Turns out, the lady driving the truck had somehow managed to hit or get hit by the back of this enormous big rig, and I gotta say considering the sheer size difference going on there she was lucky that it appeared to be a fender bender at most. But she's been reading them the riot act for a hot minute by the time we came out, and since these aren't customer service types they're allowed to just say "hey, chill out, the company is insured and this isn't going to make your truck fixed now, so just relax", and she mostly just simmers. Then her husband shows up, and things get out of hand pretty quick.
This is apparently a family of three, doing some sort of move, because dad pulls up in a UHaul and hops out and just immediately starts laying into these guys, dropping f-bombs, demanding to know who the driver was, taking a bunch of photos. And like I said, these aren't customer service guys, so if you start saying "fuck you" at them, they're allowed to say "fuck you" right back, which is a concept folks here in the PNW can't seem to wrap their head around. Hell, I am in customer service and I've had to put the kibosh on a few customers that were getting a little too big for their britches, especially if they're doing it to another barista and not me.
But dad gets it in his head that he's gonna start recording video of these guys, for reasons I am not affluent enough to comprehend, but it turns out the delivery guy extremely does not appreciate this, and tries to hold his hand in front of the phone. This gets dad hollering like a hit dog, squealing "oh you're assaulting me?? You're going to assault me??" while the delivery guy says "No, I do want you recording me, do not record me". They go back and forth like this for a bit, until a new challenger emerges.
I'm bad at eyeballing people's age, between wild differences in lifespan due to upbringing conditions and also it not really being something that is my business most of the time, so I'm gonna call them "The Teen" but they could easily be in their twenties, or maybe even in their thirties like me, but the sheer stupidity of what they do is what makes me assume they're a teen, or close to it. See, the teen was sitting in the passenger seat of the UHaul, and when dad and the delivery guy started getting into it, the teen took it upon themselves to exit the vehicle, run over, and try to suckerpunch the delivery driver.
Folks, I know we talk a lot of nonsense online. If I had to guess based on the waifish build, cheap leather jacket covered in pins, and pre-scuffed jeans that cost more because they're scuffed, this teen probably talks a big game online about their ability to kick ass. But I'm here to tell you: that shit don't work in real life. The second you escalate things past shouting and hand-waving and put your hands on another person, you are giving them every right to put their hands back on you, and you have given them a very fucking good reason to do it much harder than you just did, which is exactly what happens. Teen finds themselves immediately getting thrown down onto the sidewalk, their shitty little suckerpunch doing nothing but setting off an already very stressed delivery guy, who regularly picks up boxes that weigh more than this entire person, and has no issue at all making it very clear that they have made a mistake.
Now the driver doesn't wail on them or anything, because he's not a psycho, and they get pulled apart without further incident. The teen comes over near where I'm standing guarding my barista, and it's at this point that I'm sorry to say my inability to keep my mouth shut finally catches up with me, and I am compelled to say "Well, I hope you learned a lesson about not starting stuff you can't finish." This punk sneers at me and says "Okay, will you just call the cops?", which is what all American punks fall back on the second they realize they started a fight they can't win. I just laugh in their face and say "yeah right" before returning to guard duty, and that frustrates them so much they storm off back to sulk in the UHaul instead.
Call the cops and what, report that someone started a fight they couldn't finish? Get outta here. With it being made extremely clear that these men should not be trifled with further, mom and dad also retreat to their respective vehicles, and just around that time my closer's family finally shows up and I'm relieved of my guard duties for the night. I check in with the delivery guy to make sure he's doing okay, let him know that if they need a witness they can call the store to get my info, and head off towards home. As I'm leaving, the UHaul and pickup truck pass by me and since their windows are down I give them a wave and a cheery "Happy trails!", I hope wherever they're moving ends up being more their speed.
