Gale

I have, in the past six months, made no less than seven friends on Cohost to whom I talk regularly outside of this website. We joke, chide each other (lovingly, to break the bad funk), share silly things, gripe about life, and talk craft and art and enjoy each other's company.

This isn't something only I can do. I'm not better than you; the only difference is that I'm not afraid of embarassing myself (which I'll talk about more later).

But first! If you're mutuals, if you find yourself regularly chatting in the comments, then there's no harm just reaching out. People mostly post their discord links in their profile page under the private contact info. I have mine set to mutuals only.

"But I don't know anyone and people don't really engage with me--"

Alright, so let's change that! You gotta remember the first step, which is that the Internet isn't Real. Your feed isn't a representation of what's actually going on. People are good! In fact, people are very, very good and kind! And to meet these good and kind people, you need to be the same.

Birds of a feather play Guilty Gear together.

If you are saturating your day with negative things (e.g. Twitter and Youtube's algorithmic push) and you aren't actively curating that shit out of your life, then it's going to weigh on you. Much like parents and social circles, these things are very good at warping your interests and making you want what they want you to want. And once that happens, sweetheart, love, you are going to have the same personality as everyone else. You're going to be boring. You're going to see all that negativity and decide to post some utterly rancid takes and people will remember that. They won't remember what you posted, but they'll remember that you're the person who's always complaining or yucking other people's yums.

You wouldn't want to hang out with yourself, either.

I have a friend who--in my moments of despair and shame--will grab my shoulders and shake me violently, all the while screaming, "OKAY, BUT DID ANYONE DIE?"

And this funny, violent, physical comedy is exactly what I needed. Because he's right. Did anyone die? No! Of course not! And you can replace that line with various other phrases that all boil down to: what's the worse that could happen?

Oh shit, he's coming to beat me up again in the name of kindness and justice.

So, okay! You tried roleplaying in a TTRPG and you fumbled and everyone laughed at your shitty Michael Caine voice.

(but you tried and now you know you're better at doing Aunty Donna impressions instead)

You wrote a story and you completely neglected an important perspective and oh shit, your work is actively causing harm by misrepresenting the issue so you have to take it back down. Now you have to write an apology.

(but you learned not to do it via a ukelele song)

You're lying in bed, thinking of the time you confessed your love because emotions are emotions and sometimes they just burst out, and oh, you feel so alive and so hurt and so wrought with fear and they looked at you and then shrugged and did they actually understand--only for you to realize you were so caught up in love that you had neglected the other half of their equation--their feelings, their perspective, their readiness, and you had forced it all upon them in complete disregard of their heart.

(and soon you will love again--only better this time)

In the end, DID ANYONE DIE? No. So do better. And learn. And make it funny, oh gosh, you can actually just make all your past mistakes funny, did you know that?

I think about the above convo so much. I love them for it.

I have another friend who does comedy and looooves recounting all the bad shit that happened. Fucker loves attention. That's okay! He knows and he laughs about it! They're all funny and dramatic while being HORRIFIC. You know how a lot of people will just straight up say things that are like, "holy shit, mate, that's traumatic, are you okay?" but they're laughing it off. Most of them know it's not normal. They've simply internalized the trauma, processed it, and let it go.

They moved on.

You can do that too! You know what's a great way to get people to trust you? Sharing vulnerabilities. Laughing at yourself.

Kindness is infectious. So is love. And you have to start cultivating that because no one else will.

None of what I'm saying is specific to Cohost, of course. It's not designed to be social social. Like other websites, it gives a feed, and it still--despite good intentions--grants a steady drip of dopamine via novelty and notifications. And yet, Twitter and its non-chronological algorithmic feeds, it is not. It almost feels like a modern day blogging site, with the ability to set your following dashboard into an alternative RSS feed, and that grants you a lot of control over the posts you want to see and not lose out on.

But it's slower. Long form posts get more traction. Context exists (mostly) as well as discussions in comments. That gives you the opportunity to engage and ask and talk in good faith and get to know people better.

And if you're worried about being creepy, I find it best to think of it another way:

TRUST YOURSELF TO NOT BE CREEPY.

If you make yourself good and kind and genuine then it doesn't matter what you say. People will give you the benefit of the doubt. If someone asks a question and you're unable to interpret the tone, then just answer on good faith! I've turned so many conversations around just by doing that.

"Fair enough!" they'll say. Or: "Oh yeah! I didn't think of that, but I was also considering..."

Holy shit, now we're having a discussion. I love it.

If you're willing, Cohost is a great place to meet, but it'll require outside websites to make friends.

SO NOW YOU'RE FRIENDS ON DISCORD WHAT DO YOU DO

Chances are, you've already got something in common. Friendship's a two-way street. You gotta put in the effort, and if you see they're not doing their part and it's always you initiating conversations, then fine--

You're not a big deal in their life, because you're not meant to be. Did you know you can always make more friends?

The other side of the coin is this: while friendships need to be maintained, it's not transactional. This isn't a, "I shared you one meme, so you better share me one back". It's absolutely not "I can't believe you didn't check up on me when I posted about being sad."

Bruh. Those are some rancid vibes. That's your capitalism-programmed brain working if you're asking for tit for tat.

It's fine to trauma dump on your friends, actually. MY SISTER IN HYDAELYN, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR. It's fine to reach out when you're in need because that's what friends do. If they get hurt, then they can cry on my shoulder. If they need a place, guess what, I've already got that covered and offered mine even though I've never met them IRL. 😎

So be good. Trust yourself.

Give it a try.