When you learn about the actions of certain powerful people that make you lose faith in humanity, and it's not just from history books. Like you discover an elected official is allowing for the gradual transformation of prisons into death camps yet no swift justice is being done about it and you start to think it's only a matter of time before it's you or the people you care about who end up in these death camps for discriminatory, arbitrary, or dogmatic reasons.
It's scary to think that the foundations of exploitation and capitalism that we are constantly screaming need to be torn down will continue to exist through our lifetimes. Whose call to action will we listen to? Will/can it be brought down from with? Must it be from within? Must we risk our bodies, our health, our lives, our plans, our hopes and our dreams in the pursuit of an idea?
I at the very least would like to know if my ideas can help. If I design something revolutionary and share that design for free, will that help further the cause, or will it just be another way people can take advantage of me? If I try to make a living from selling the idea, will that be a betrayal because of my belief that capitalism and systems of economic exploitation should be destroyed? And if I want to spend money to acquire a resource or support a cause, will that money go to the good or the bad people?
Maybe this all just stems from my anxiety to discover the answer to this question: Will any of my plans or ideas work out for me?
Like, I've been having so many ideas that I'm finding them hard to manage and prioritize. I have an idea for a game engine and a suite of games, I have ideas for body modification, I have ideas for 3D printing, I have ideas for using AI, I have ideas for making music, I have ideas about developing soundproofing materials, I have ideas for modular architecture, I have ideas for growing crops like bamboo and mushrooms and developing recipes, I have ideas for filtration systems, I have ideas for creating insect habitats, I have ideas for creating modular architecture, I have ideas for developing a community in Nova Scotia, I have ideas for community resource management and distribution, I want to design a new bed, I want to design a new chair, I want to design my ideal workbench and workspace, I want to come up with my ideal organization system, I want to learn the fundamentals for so many different subjects, I just have so many ideas for so many different things and I just don't know how to satisfyingly make progress one them. I don't know how to prioritize my efforts most effectively.
Or perhaps I do, but I don't know how to effectively access that knowledge when I need it.
I haven't gotten on my computer for quite a while now, maybe a few months. I've been feeling like being constantly connected to the internet and social media has been too distracting for me to make progress on my plans and ideas, but now I just have my mobile devices taking up the primary role of distracting me. I only have so much space in this tiny room, so now it's cluttered and disorganized, and my efforts have been going towards redesigning my room and constructing some kind of system for organization that is largely being hampered because of adhd paired a side helping of autism, and the fact that some of my projects have me saving recycleable materials makes the room much more of a disorganized mess than it should be.
It feels like I've created a castle of clutter and am tearing it down to remake it without clutter, but there's such a small amount of space to work in that I feel I have to do both the tear down and construction in parallel to economize the space.
Like yeah I'm making progress but I really would like to be more organized.
I don't remember the purpose of this post. I guess there doesn't have to be one, but that never feels good in my brain. There's a kind of energy in my being that gets stressed at the idea of using my time and energy for something without purpose when there's so many things I could be doing.
Which probably explains why I am spending less time on social media lately. Every now and then I'll type up something to post but then I overanalyze it and end up not posting it, making all the time I spent drafting up the post for naught until they escape the drafts.
I do have quite a bit of drafts.
I've laid out a number of details for ideas and plans in drafts, but before I hit send, I analyze my current situation, and I realize that if I post many if these posts, they may trigger a series of events and social interaction that I am not prepared to handle.
So they remain in my drafts until I consider myself capable of handling the consequences of making a post that might require the involvement of other people of whom I may or may not know personally.
I don't really have a nice way to conclude this, so uh, go do some revolution. Tear down society if that society is a threat to you and your loved ones safety and happiness. I find myself thinking back to when I became a conscientious objector because I came to believe violence was not necessary to coexist with other people, but I'm coming to reevaluate that notion because of the continued alive-ness of certain people who are not being met with violence but facilitate it nonetheless towards more vulnerable people.
The conclusion I've come to is voting is not good enough. Certain efforts need to be taken to change society for the better, and you'll get those efforts through your actions, whether it be creating a new medicine, providing housing and resources for homeless people, sharing addresses and architectural layouts of the buildings and homes of powerful and wealthy entities, designing clean energy systems, our imagination knows no limits so we should allow it a good stretch every now and then.