thinking about how i used to know how to post online and otherwise run an art account and be active on it and get engagement and stuff but now thats kinda just..gone
Im not quite sure.. why? I mean, I have quite a few ideas for why that could be, but i dont rly know for sure that any one of them is more likely. I had a lot of followers on twitter, that probably helped there be ppl to respond to, but they were only there because i was doing something i cant do anymore. a lot changed since i deleted my twitter page, or rly fairly well before i did i was already using it less and less, and not rly just because the site was becoming unusable?
Its like, around the time a lot of shit happened. And i guess my ability to post online and be approachable and able to interact with ppl more directly was part of the shell i had to avoid thinking too hard about some things, maybe.
I dont rly think the gabi that used to post online and overworked to be able to do as many drawings and comms as she could was.. really me at all. Or anyone else really. Just a shell that i had to keep because people knowing me online was kind of my only lifeline for income and social life at the time, ig.
eventually i did make friends, ofc. I think those friends got to know the real me, mostly. Or what i thought was the real me back then, before i finally figured out things. But it was kind of a double edged sword because it feels like now that ive figured myself out better and know why im the way i am it does feel like quite a few people have kinda just.. grown distant. Not everyone. but a decent amount. Im sure my habit of hiding away from the world when i feel bad didnt help things either.
but its made me realize just how whatever kind of person i outwardly was like up until the end of 2022 is someone that really just doesnt exist? Especially the public facing version of that person. I just dont know how to interact with people online like that anymore.
does feel like im starting back from nothing, but without any of the drive and excitement that i had back when i was originally starting to post art online years ago, and i dont rly know what to do about it. Maybe there isnt anything to do about it.
Every site ive tried since i got rid of my twitter has given me the feeling that everyone else already knows everyone and that I am intruding at worst or just too clueless to figure out how to fit in with everyone, and it hasnt rly helped with this, tbh. maybe once i finally set up my personal site and blog ill figure things out better as far as how to continue forward as a public facing artist but thats a big project that will take time to do, and i dont rly wanna have to wait until i have a completely personal space to be able to be myself about things, it feels like it defeats the point a bit.
i dunno. sry this has been so rambly and meandering. i kinda know most ppl only ever followed me for the art i post and not rly for anything i have to say, but i guess the issue is that i dont rly ever have.. anything to say.
