Okay, look, disclaimer: I walked out of this movie around the 90 minute mark, with almost an hour to go.

The film spends entirely too long on body horror, which gets increasingly harder to sit through; I left when I couldn’t sit any longer.

When it isn’t organs falling out of people, or one character’s increasing mutilation, or someone pulling an entire chicken leg out of their own belly button, it’s endless scenes of Margaret Qualley twerking in exercise videos, the camera trying its hardest not to just straight up fuck her.

I do think the movie was well-done, for those that can absorb it, and Demi Moore’s work here is stunning. Possibly a career best.

The lessons this film seems to want you to learn, though? They are worth knowing, but maybe not worth learning in this way.

Can you imagine making a sequel to Beetlejuice where Michael Keaton is only in a few scenes?

This thing is a boring, unfocused mess. It feels like it exists solely for the purposes of a tax write off for the studio.

Tim Burton shouldn’t have raised this one from the dead.

Over the summer, for Columbia Pictures' 100th aniversary, Sony re-released all their live action Spider-Man films to movie theaters, one per week, so you could roll into an empty theater on a Monday morning and watch Tobey Maguire, Andrew Garfield, or Tom Holland swing around Manhattan.

I thought it would be worth revisiting the three franchises, so I went every week. Here's my take on the Tobey Maguire films, directed by Sam Raimi.

Spider-Man (2002):

Some of this film is a little cheesy in modern times, because it predates the MCU and its hard push towards dead fucking seriousness. But if you look at this as a comic book in motion, instead of a film that has to have absolute narrative cohesion, logic and pacing, and it hits the mark dead center.

Also, this is probably where the original MCU formula started: take promising small-time directors and give them an entire warehouse full of money to build a blockbuster. They gave the guy that did Evil Dead 2 a 130 million dollar budget and he made a film that pulled in 825 million! This is almost certainly why you got phase 1 Marvel flicks directed by Jon Favreau, Kenneth Branagh, Joss Whedon.

Its CGI is dated now, but 22 years ago, I swear to you this was technological wizardry on a scale no one had seen at the time.

Spider-Man 2 (2004)

I once said there were only two good Spider-Man films ever, and this was one of them, and I am saddened to say I think that less on a rewatching 20 years later.

Without question, Alfred Molina nailed it here. The train scene is still iconic. Sam Raimi got to go full Sam Raimi in the hospital scene. But also it has bonkers plot points like Doctor Octopus robbing a bank while Peter Parker is there trying to get a loan, and Spider-Man losing his powers because he feels ennui or something.

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Yeah, I know.

But look, just like Spider-Man 2 wasn't as good as I remembered it being, SM3 wasn't nearly as bad.

It's got way too many plot lines and characters--Raimi says he was bullied into writing Venom into the story, unbelievably--and many missteps...but in some unexpected ways, it felt much more mature in narrative than the previous outings. I don't know, I can't quantify it. I braced myself to hate it again, and was surprised to find that I didn't.

I was deeply worried this movie was going to be corny and embarrassing--and for a tense while, it teeters along that edge--but it turned out to be funny and genuinely touching once it finally gets moving.

June Squibb, in her first starring role at 94, was actually legendary long before this moment. Look her up some time. And of course, even in this, his final film, Richard Roundtree is still a bad motherfucker. I confess I haven't followed his career, but his performance here suggests we have wasted his talent for decades.

But then again, the casting is pitch-perfect to the film's message: we are eager to overlook the most amazing people if they're elderly...but we shouldn't count them out too soon.