You probably rolled your eyes when you heard they were making this movie, followed with you saying “Greta Gerwig…?” in a confused tone.

Then you saw the trailer where Barbie interrupts a dance party to ask if anyone thinks about dying, and then before you knew it everyone you know was dressing in pink to flood the theaters.

I have no notes. This movie is amazing; utterly self-aware that it loves and despises itself in equal measures, sharp as a guillotine, weird as fuck, and unpredictable down to the final line of the script. I can not believe Mattel had the wisdom to take this bonkers risk.

You will never have this brand, this script, this cast, this director, and this moment in history again. It’s goddamned bottled lightning.

Someone said to me, in regards to this film, "I hope they kill him in the end," because it's the only reasonable outcome for this sort of thing, right?! I argued Lucasfilm absolutely won't allow it, because they'll want to drag Harrison Ford back for at least one more dip in the well, if they can get away with it. I won't tell you which of us was right, but let's all pause to consider that both of these outcomes suck, and the only winning move was not to play.

With that out of the way: my expectations for this movie were so low that even a geriatric Indiana Jones could easily clear them. The movie is fun, almost all action, packed with the only Nazis still in Hollywood that don't shoot first--which is good for Indy, since he's going to get captured. A lot. They got a bulk discount on sacks to put over people's heads, I think.

The plot isn't ridiculous (at least, in relation to other Indiana Jones movies), and has a few good twists along the way.

Raiders of the Lost Ark was a throwback to a sort of movie from George Lucas's childhood that they didn't make any more, so he made one himself. The honest truth about Dial of Destiny is that it makes you wish the studios would make more movies like this without having to drag Mr. Ford back to the set, against his will.

A brief public service announcement, upfront: if a condom full of cocaine bursts while you're storing it in your colon, it won't actually make you horny, so, uh, plan accordingly.

Joy Ride was a raunchy-as-fuck buddy movie, pushing all the right buttons for nasty jokes and ridiculous situations, but still coming through with a dash of sincerity, too. I loved it. More of these, please.

This is the first MCU movie I’ve liked in longer than I can remember.

There was no way James Gunn wasn’t taking the DC job. But if I were Marvel, I would have fought real hard to keep him, based on recent results.