So today I messed up my final essay for the history class. I sent it a day after deadline, I only typed in 1086 words instead of 1500, and I barely cite the given & recommended study materials. And right now my head is tagging me with every profanity it knows.
I don't think I ever was good with academics. From the elementary school days I barely got the full marks, while dropping bombs (getting 30s to 60s for max score of 100) was frequent. It was uncomfortable to see my parents being visibly discomforted by my scores, but at least the scores didn't hunt me yet, so I was still careless and spent endless hours on gaming, 'educational' comic books, and hanging around with my grandma.
By middle school things started to get serious. I still wasn't able to get full marks and still occasionally bombed the tests. Except now my parents would yell at me for hours. Now I had to be stuck in the academic institutions until 10PM every day and was forced to show I was studying well and 'well-prepared' for the tests. I had to take consultations for which high school should I target for a higher chance of entering 'top tier' colleges.
At least I was somewhat lucky with high school. I ended up breaking down during the first semester and went abroad. At there I was able to slack off just a little and make friends. Covid-19 made me to reflect myself and meet good people on discord. I did start getting stressed again during college applications and interview, but I did get into where I wanted to go by the 2nd try.
And here I am, unsatisfied with my semester. What has really getting me is about getting jobs - for the megacorps or other 'well-paid' jobs that would live up to my parents' hype. For any job offers that ask about my academic life, I have to print out the transcript that shows all the grades I got throughout the semesters I took. And that has created a big fear in me - that if I get bad grades I might end up losing chances/options - despite still not having any clear idea about what I want to do in the future. Living with this thought for every moment in my life for every 3-4 months of semester has been exhausting, affecting both my mental and physical health pretty badly.
I used to wish/dream about getting the well-paid and reputable jobs just like my parents, but now I just hope to live in a place where I'm okay with 'just a job' and can put all my time and effort in things I'm passionate about and want to be professional about. I'm wrapped in so many fears and angers as of now - worries about how much stress I would be able to endure, burden of living up to my parents' expectation (and that I would end up being a big swindler if I don't do so), and wishing other people don't have to deal with this bullshit of grades so heavily affecting one's life. Unfortunately I have zero solution to deal with these fears and angers, and I have to prepare for two more major tests that would affect me a lot more than this history class.