Being trans and enjoying singing is a difficult combo, imo. I mean, would anyone be surprised if I said I don't like my singing voice? That it somehow feels disconnected from who I really am? I want to sound like Dua Lipa, Tracy Chapman, Kyary Pamyu Pamyu or Patsy Cline. Instead....
...heh.
I remember growing up that my favorite part of music was singing. I didn't learn the guitar for the sake of the guitar, I learned it so I could have something to sing with. It's not just that I like being the center of attention (because I sure as hell do, at least when performing), but I literally just enjoy the physical sensation of singing.
My home life, like most trans folks who were raised in a "traditional" household, was a difficult one. I spent a lot of time as a youth hiding and afraid of what would happen when my family found out the truth (turns out it's fine, but I couldn't have know that at the time.) But you know what drew us together despite all the internal strife? Singing! We would sit down once or twice a week, Dad would get his guitar (and later I would as well) and we'd literally just sit and sing songs together.
I loved it. I miss it, if I'm honest.
I started to come to terms with being trans in my mid 30s. I already knew I was trans (and had since I was 15) but I only really started facing it a few years back. It's opened a lot of doors, I've realized I can, in fact, change a lot of things about myself to feel comfortable in my own skin. Oddly, as I opened up to those possibilities it was like a flood gate of emotion broke inside my poor soul and very quickly I shifted from being happy that I finally felt I had choices to feeling like I had to make that shift as quickly as possible.
And then the dysphoria got worse.
Waking up in the morning crying became a routine occurrence. I could remember dreaming that I was simply a cis woman, but I could barely hold onto the sensation as I moved from dreams to this hellish nightmare we generally refer to as "reality".
Not fun, not in the least.
But I think a lot of you are aware of these sensations and many of you have felt these things as well. If not specifically as a trans person, then even in terms of general body dysphoria and disliking things about your physical body/mind that you can't change. So I don't want to dwell on it because triggering all of us isn't my goal here.
One of the hardest parts of the whole process has been realizing there are limits to what I can do.
Which brings me straight back to...
deep breath
My voice.
Specifically, my singing voice. Which, if you weren't aware, is virtually impossible to change. You can get surgeries to change you voice but, from what I've heard, it ruins your ability to sing. You can retrain your speaking voice to sound pretty naturally like a woman when speaking, but getting yourself to sound like a woman when singing...when you're naturally a bass/baritone... While not impossible...
deep breath
Fuck folks, it's hard, I can't seem to do it and I can't begin to describe how much I hate that.
more deep breath
I've tried a lot of things. For years I would push my vocal chords harder and harder to get my pitch higher and higher. I often got comments from folks that they could not believe how high I could sing (I def look like a bass). But I hit a ceiling, both in terms of the notes I can hit (I can do about half of alto) and the tone I can create (it def sounds like a guy singing in falsetto...poorly. My voice isn't designed for this.).
When I got money, I started buying software, pedals, vocal processors, et al, that were supposed to change how my voice sounds. And sure, I can now make myself sound kinda like an anime girl if I want.... But that's not what I want to sound like. I want to sound like a regular woman, like my sisters and my mom. Like Christina Aguilera, Sister Rosetta Tharpe or Madonna.
I got into Synth V fairly recently and, while I love it and will continue to do it (I love Lorelei, trust me, she ain't going nowhere)... I miss actually singing.
more deep breaths
I spoke with a friend, just yesterday, about this (hi friend, I don't know if you'll read this, but you're appreciated). I had just finished up a cover of "Give it Away" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers in which I had sung it myself. It felt nice and it sounded good, but I didn't want to release because...
exhale
It just doesn't sound like me. It's not even the voice I have in my head anymore (that voice is actually quite androgynous these days, if I'm honest).
She told me I should just release it though, because it's good and, well, her opinion has always been that you should just release stuff, even if it's bad so...
This is where I had the epiphany I think.
What exactly is radical self acceptance? Feel outta left field? I was surprised too, but this is the point where it came up for me.
I've spent the last couple years being very unaccepting of my body because I know I can change some things and why accept things as they are if I can change them? So, I've become extremely critical.
Honestly, to a point... I think it's a good thing. Being able to be critical, despite the emotional upheavel, has given me a whole new level of emotional honesty and not only with myself, but other folks as well. I'm very happy about that.
But while I have changed some things (and plan to change more) I'm starting to realize there are some things I really really can't change.
My singing voice is one of those things.
How do I radically accept something that is so important to me and yet feels almost hostily alien at this point? Can it even be done?
...
I know you are probably hoping for a grand, final summary and conclusion at this point but... I'm not there yet. You've caught me mid thought. I'm just so full of emotion that it's spilling out of my fingers and into this post. But...I don't have a complete answer.
So I'll misquote serenity prayer for you and explain my current state.
I want to have:
The strength to change the things I can,
The patience to endure the things I can't,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I hate that this applies to my own body. But it does. For example, I'll never be 5'3", I'll never have the proper skeletal structure, my voice can only change so much and, well, my singing voice is not going to change.
But you know, perhaps "endure" is the wrong way to misquote that saying. Maybe it should say "the patience to work with the things I can't change". Because if I put it that way... the next step at least is very clear:
I gotta work with my voice.
...
deep breath
So I'll be releasing the cover sometime in the next week. It's good, I honestly think you all will like it (especially if you like RHCP, obvs). I'm sad that I don't exactly sound like a woman, but I sound pretty damn good and, well, it's not overly masculine, honestly. It's processed and has become somewhat neutral and...that's just gonna have to be enough for now. In future, who knows.
But for now, just gotta work with what I've got.
