Jaelights

Slooping dupes over here

Succinct transbien musician behind Lorelei and the Ghost.
Bring me your finest Yuris!





Music Links:
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@Jaelights
SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/jaelights
BandCamp:
https://jaelights.bandcamp.com/



Writing:
https://www.wattpad.com/user/Jaelights



Business Email if you want music:
loreleiandtheghost@gmail.com



Profile Pic by @nomnomnami


Being trans and enjoying singing is a difficult combo, imo. I mean, would anyone be surprised if I said I don't like my singing voice? That it somehow feels disconnected from who I really am? I want to sound like Dua Lipa, Tracy Chapman, Kyary Pamyu Pamyu or Patsy Cline. Instead....

...heh.

I remember growing up that my favorite part of music was singing. I didn't learn the guitar for the sake of the guitar, I learned it so I could have something to sing with. It's not just that I like being the center of attention (because I sure as hell do, at least when performing), but I literally just enjoy the physical sensation of singing.

My home life, like most trans folks who were raised in a "traditional" household, was a difficult one. I spent a lot of time as a youth hiding and afraid of what would happen when my family found out the truth (turns out it's fine, but I couldn't have know that at the time.) But you know what drew us together despite all the internal strife? Singing! We would sit down once or twice a week, Dad would get his guitar (and later I would as well) and we'd literally just sit and sing songs together.

I loved it. I miss it, if I'm honest.

I started to come to terms with being trans in my mid 30s. I already knew I was trans (and had since I was 15) but I only really started facing it a few years back. It's opened a lot of doors, I've realized I can, in fact, change a lot of things about myself to feel comfortable in my own skin. Oddly, as I opened up to those possibilities it was like a flood gate of emotion broke inside my poor soul and very quickly I shifted from being happy that I finally felt I had choices to feeling like I had to make that shift as quickly as possible.

And then the dysphoria got worse.

Waking up in the morning crying became a routine occurrence. I could remember dreaming that I was simply a cis woman, but I could barely hold onto the sensation as I moved from dreams to this hellish nightmare we generally refer to as "reality".

Not fun, not in the least.

But I think a lot of you are aware of these sensations and many of you have felt these things as well. If not specifically as a trans person, then even in terms of general body dysphoria and disliking things about your physical body/mind that you can't change. So I don't want to dwell on it because triggering all of us isn't my goal here.

One of the hardest parts of the whole process has been realizing there are limits to what I can do.

Which brings me straight back to...

deep breath

My voice.

Specifically, my singing voice. Which, if you weren't aware, is virtually impossible to change. You can get surgeries to change you voice but, from what I've heard, it ruins your ability to sing. You can retrain your speaking voice to sound pretty naturally like a woman when speaking, but getting yourself to sound like a woman when singing...when you're naturally a bass/baritone... While not impossible...

deep breath

Fuck folks, it's hard, I can't seem to do it and I can't begin to describe how much I hate that.

more deep breath

I've tried a lot of things. For years I would push my vocal chords harder and harder to get my pitch higher and higher. I often got comments from folks that they could not believe how high I could sing (I def look like a bass). But I hit a ceiling, both in terms of the notes I can hit (I can do about half of alto) and the tone I can create (it def sounds like a guy singing in falsetto...poorly. My voice isn't designed for this.).

When I got money, I started buying software, pedals, vocal processors, et al, that were supposed to change how my voice sounds. And sure, I can now make myself sound kinda like an anime girl if I want.... But that's not what I want to sound like. I want to sound like a regular woman, like my sisters and my mom. Like Christina Aguilera, Sister Rosetta Tharpe or Madonna.

I got into Synth V fairly recently and, while I love it and will continue to do it (I love Lorelei, trust me, she ain't going nowhere)... I miss actually singing.

more deep breaths

I spoke with a friend, just yesterday, about this (hi friend, I don't know if you'll read this, but you're appreciated). I had just finished up a cover of "Give it Away" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers in which I had sung it myself. It felt nice and it sounded good, but I didn't want to release because...

exhale

It just doesn't sound like me. It's not even the voice I have in my head anymore (that voice is actually quite androgynous these days, if I'm honest).

She told me I should just release it though, because it's good and, well, her opinion has always been that you should just release stuff, even if it's bad so...

This is where I had the epiphany I think.

What exactly is radical self acceptance? Feel outta left field? I was surprised too, but this is the point where it came up for me.

I've spent the last couple years being very unaccepting of my body because I know I can change some things and why accept things as they are if I can change them? So, I've become extremely critical.

Honestly, to a point... I think it's a good thing. Being able to be critical, despite the emotional upheavel, has given me a whole new level of emotional honesty and not only with myself, but other folks as well. I'm very happy about that.

But while I have changed some things (and plan to change more) I'm starting to realize there are some things I really really can't change.

My singing voice is one of those things.

How do I radically accept something that is so important to me and yet feels almost hostily alien at this point? Can it even be done?

...

I know you are probably hoping for a grand, final summary and conclusion at this point but... I'm not there yet. You've caught me mid thought. I'm just so full of emotion that it's spilling out of my fingers and into this post. But...I don't have a complete answer.

So I'll misquote serenity prayer for you and explain my current state.

I want to have:
The strength to change the things I can,
The patience to endure the things I can't,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I hate that this applies to my own body. But it does. For example, I'll never be 5'3", I'll never have the proper skeletal structure, my voice can only change so much and, well, my singing voice is not going to change.

But you know, perhaps "endure" is the wrong way to misquote that saying. Maybe it should say "the patience to work with the things I can't change". Because if I put it that way... the next step at least is very clear:

I gotta work with my voice.

...

deep breath

So I'll be releasing the cover sometime in the next week. It's good, I honestly think you all will like it (especially if you like RHCP, obvs). I'm sad that I don't exactly sound like a woman, but I sound pretty damn good and, well, it's not overly masculine, honestly. It's processed and has become somewhat neutral and...that's just gonna have to be enough for now. In future, who knows.

But for now, just gotta work with what I've got.


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in reply to @Jaelights's post:

...yeah, this is a hell of a mood. i've been trying for years and years to find my singing voice again, going as far as taking countertenor voice lessons, but it hasn't clicked yet and idk if it really will

"Release stuff, even if you think it's bad" is absolutely one of the most valuable things somebody can do creatively, I think? I mean different situations for everybody, but I know I wouldn't feel nearly as comfortable with my drawing nowadays, or ESPECIALLY LAST YEAR, if I didn't share all the little things I was drawing, pff... Even if there wasn't a lot of validation (my favorite thing I've ever made got like 0 notes on Tumblr for the longest time?? Only recently got some likes on it, but I drew it back in August, pff (it did get one extremely glowing review though!!)), just putting all my extremely, objectively "bad" art out in the open was so good. And I'm still pretty bad at drawing, but I wanna be able to make things I wanna make, and fuck it if it isn't perfect or it makes me feel like I'm missing something in some way, I'm making it because I both have fun drawing and wanna make things, no matter if it looks remotely clean or professional, and the things I draw are... the things I'M drawing, which must have some pretty unique value, even if a lot of my stuff is derivative!!!

Which is all to say, I hope you can keep singing in your songs if you want to fucking sing!!!!!! I'm no good at any of that at all myself (and, I don't exactly identify as transfem (yet) but my oddly masculine voice absolutely bothers me a lot in some of the same way, I assume), but I still find singing really fun to do, no matter what, pff...... So, if you find a lot, lot more value in singing than I do, then I hope you keep fucking singing and sharing if you so desire, even if there's apprehensions, even if there's some discomfort!!! ESPECIALLY IF THERE'S THOSE THINGS, EVEN!!! And, I'm looking forward to all that, myself, when ya do release that stuff!!! Glad you're accepting that sort of stuff if you really like to do it, despite apprehensions!!!! (And, despite the whole "even if it's bad" quote, I'm sure I'll find it fucking great as fuck, pff)

lol, lemmetellya, it still amazes me that anyone likes any of my music 😅. But I really appreciate it because, honestly, I pretty much always like my music. I'm basically my biggest fan. I'll finish a song and put it on my phone and just listen to it over and over. Dunno why, it's not I plan on changing it (I never do) just... lol, why not make art you can enjoy yourself, right?

But I always feel weird liking my own music, so it really tickles me when other folks also enjoy it. It's nice to know that part of what I'm feeling when I make it is carrying on to other folks.

And yeah, voice is difficult, but I'm kinda glad I'm starting to work past this. If you were curious at all, I just finished the final recording stuff for the cover I spoke about. Not sure it'll be everyone's thing (it's a little different from my normal thing) but I'm pretty happy with how I sound on it so I'm just gonna go ahead and move forward.

I'll probably finalize the mix tomorrow and release it then :D