I know folks may differ, but I've always just wanted to be "normal".
Perhaps I should explain what I mean, in this context, by normal: In the sense of "unobjectionable and unoffensive to my immediate social groups, including things like co-workers, fellow students, family and church". In my opinion that's what we really mean by "normal". We mean we "fit into our group". It's not just "society", that's...way too amorphous of a term to have any meaning. So, by normal I just mean "to the people around me, many of whom I care about, I don't really stand out in an offensive way".
Why make a point of my particular social groups in my definition of normal? Well, normal is different to different groups. What might work as an explanation for you may not work for me, for example. If I want to normalize with a group I need to find a way to explain myself that fits into their accepted world view... Which is especially difficult when that world view is very hostile towards anything outside of the traditional gender binary.
Anyway, in the pursuit of being "normal" I've spent the better part of 3 decades trying to figure out the exact way to explain things so that my social groupings wouldn't see me as "strange". Coming up with analogies, examples, relatable experiences that I thought might bring the point across. But... I can't explain it any better than a cancer patient can explain how chemo feels to anyone who hasn't had chemo. The people around me IRL simply do not know what dysphoria feels like and, thus, any actions I take based on these feelings, well, they don't understand and thus they are going to come across as "strange". 1
I searched forever, it feels like. Hoping to one day find a breakthrough and be able to walk into a family/church/work gathering with my head held high and explain, concisely, why I'm perfectly acceptable/relatable and could you please all reference me as a woman now because I'd really like that?
I'm 41 now and that breakthrough has simply never occurred. Maybe it does for some, but it hasn't for me.
I know I know I know, you probably have half a dozen ways I could explain it on the tip of your tongue. So do I.... but for my situation, believe me, they simply don't work. I can hardly get started on any of them before getting shut down and ignored. I've simply had to accept that, in that corner of my life, the breakthrough is not happening.
But I did eventually have a breakthrough. I realized being strange was okay. It's simply a matter of "from what perspective". I'm only strange from their perspective, right? And I know I can't change that but I also know, for a fact, that I'm acting the best I can in the situation I've been given (and I'm sure you are too!). If "being normal" can be broadly defined as "being inoffensive" then wouldn't it count if I'm doing everything I can to not offend myself? Thusly, I can, at very least, allow myself to be the one who will consider me normal. I am self normalized, if you will.
Honestly, perhaps that's all I need.
Though I do have a lot of new friends these days who also think I'm fairly normal, inoffensive and fit in. I will happily take that bonus π.
Anyway, the moment I accepted that mode of thinking, I found I could finally grapple with how I wanted to contend with my own feelings, rather than worrying how my social group might contend with them. Sudden I feel far more free to pursue my own mental health, ya know? Well, at least on the good days I do (well all have off days, right π ).
So......yeah. These are just random thoughts I'm having but I thought they may be of use to others, so I jotted them down. If you find yourself paralyzed by the fear that you can't pursue your own mental health because your social groups might find you odd, welllll.... fuck 'em. π
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This probably goes without saying, but Trans folks are far from having a monopoly on this.
