Take a seat. We need to talk
"They'd probably throw someone like Zorro in Arkham."
I'm in my thirties now, and I can say a take I've seen almost my entire life is, "Well, Batman is just as crazy as his enemies!" It's the kind of retort that seems witty enough that people shove it in their back pocket to whip out and impress people. (See also: Bruce Wayne is the Mask, You know Batman could just fix Gotham by giving to charity!) It's the kind of content mill brain rot you see all over youtube and clickbait lists that recycle over and over. But the thing is I'd seen it going around before I ever got that online.
Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth is a pretty foundational text in modern comics. McKean is delivering some truly career-defining imagery throughout that book. Morrison engages in some really interesting ideas. But the whole thing kicks off with the inmates taking over the asylum and Joker's demand is that Batman has to turn himself over. Because it's where he belongs. And deep down Batman is afraid that's true.
I am not saying Arkham Asylum isn't meaningfully engaging with the concept, but that concept has always just been "What if Batman is CRAZY. Growing up this was a thought that always sat in my stomach like a stone. I didn't have the words to describe what was causing the distress for years. The issue for me wasn't that you could have a superhero who suffered from a disorder, it was that people treated it as an either or, a "gotcha". Let me prove Batman isn't a hero by showing that he is unstable.
Let me prove to you that people with mental conditions are dangerous. That we are incapable of viewing them as heroic. Because as soon as the label is applied, it's all that matters.
Secret Origin
Batman is a good focal point because everyone knows his story, a common ground we can all appreciate. But its more than that, because like most "guys" my age I grew up with the character. I had movies before I ever read comics, and most importantly the animated series. He has always been with me.
When I was four or five I ran away from home, not because I grew up in a bad home, but because that's how adventure start in the stories. It's what you do. So I woke up in the middle of the night and snuck out. It must have been scary because I had dressed to give myself confidence- the batman costume I'd worn last Halloween. I ran down the hill and through the nearby field where the plants filled my feet with thorns. See I had spent the time to get my cape on, but didn't put on shoes. I wandered the field crying until a nice older woman in the nearest house woke up and pulled the thorns out. I immediately went back home and snuck back to bed. My parents didn't know about this till I told them years later.
It's a cute story.
When I was kindergarten my mom got a call that I'd been jumping off the recess equipment trying to kill myself. Apparently, I'd been quoting the Raven. I... have no idea how the hell I got my hands on Poe at that age. But just like running away from home, the notion of taking your own life had been planted in my head. It's what you do. When I say I've been dealing with suicidal ideation my entire life, this is what I mean. It has always been deep in me. The knowledge that I would be my own end. And why not today? That is my normal. It always had been... and it always will be.
So you are a dumb kid who loves Batman. Who wants to be a hero. And you are told he can't be because he is crazy, broken. And you struggle against the idea because... you know what you are. You know you are broken, that there's a piece missing. And even if you argue that Batman isn't crazy, desperate not to lose your hero. While you are struggling to prove he isn't unstable, you are accepting their premise. That crazy people can't be heroic. That you can't be.
You don't fight that. Because you are a dumb kid who hasn't learned they are something worth protecting. So instead you are argue over superheroes and wonder why it makes you so upset.
"Is he man or monster or... is he both?"
It was a gradual thing, but one day there was a change in how we started talking about mental illness. We realized it wasn't something that just affected the few, but most of us in some way. This was a huge moment for me. I had spent a long time very isolated and in my head and just... knowing that there were others. That I wasn't some miscast. It helped.
But I didn't expect what came next in my superhero comics. Because when they started to talk about superheroes and their mental state again, the conversation wasn't about how crazy they were. It was about their trauma. Because while you could argue whether they were insane, we could all accept they were traumatized. Almost all superheroes are shaped by trauma, by injustice.
And then you started getting heroes who did suffer from actual disorders, and talking about it completely different.
The Immortal Hulk is a series that shaped the character so thoroughly that no one has dared to go near it for fear of comparison. I came in interested by their pitch on here is the Hulk as a horror movie villain. But quickly it starts digging in deep on Banner as a man with DID, that is to say plural with many people in one body. It's not the first time you've seen people play with this idea. But the thing that is so interesting with this modern age is that you aren't just getting "and their secret origin also gave them trauma and a mental disorder!" That was a really popular trope for awhile where the question was, well are they actually a superhero or just CRAZY? Trying to go for an unreliable narrator thing in the laziest way. Instead, they answer- thankfully, beautifully, is that our heroes can be both and they aren't connected. Bruce Banner's trauma is from his abusive childhood and his powers are from the Gamma explosion. I love this because it walks past the laziest plot point of "my trauma made me strong!"
Lemire's run on "Moon Knight" does some similar work. If you are at all interested in the character, I recommend this run, because you can get it all as one book, and its both a standalone story as well as catching you up on some of the character's most important beats. Still, there is a TV show about the character now, people know. But Marc is a character that is interesting because of the wild intersection of shit happening to him. Over the history of the character he has been an example of all the shit I hate. He also has DID, but unlike most in the genre, its not an excuse to give him superpowers. However, for a long time it was teased that this was an aspect of his rebirth at the hands of Khonshu. There is Khonshu himself, a god that brought Marc back from the dead and gave him a mission. And they have certainly played with, what if that is all the delusions of a madman?
The modern interpretation? Moon Knight is a plural character, Marc is primary with Jake and Steven taking the wheel at times. Khonshu is real and a threat. Marc also has physical brain trauma separate from his DID caused by an otherworldy egyptian bird god squatting in his head. This is part of why Khonshu picked him... he mind was already cracked, Khonshu could break it and fit in better. There are many things going on with him.
Which hey, some of you might take umbrage with some of the terminology I use, "broken" in particular. You get taught not to refer to yourself that way, and that is terrible to call others that. This is true. It's also true that it's how I think of myself. How a lot of us do. I am not good at being disabled. Like I can handle it. I function. I mean that I'm not a healthy example. Frequently, people talk about trying to find pride in how you are. That you shouldn't need to change. These are the people who bristly at the question, but would you be normal if you could?
And let me tell you honestly. I would in a heartbeat.
I am not good. It's selfish. But god if I could just fix my brain and not have to experience the world like I do? I wouldn't think twice. This is also why I wanted to mention Moon Knight. Marc Spector is a hero. He is also terrible. I've read multiple runs where he attempts to either remove or restrict his alters. He wants to be normal, he doesn't feel pride in how he is. He wants to be... normal. It's not good, it's certainly not healthy, and the writers are smart enough to know that, but it is honest. I started reading McCay's run and immediately felt seen seeing the self destructive spiral Marc had put himself in. And there is progress, because unfortunately we can''t just change what we are. We have to learn how to live with it. And we will backslide. In the same way I felt when I found out I wasn't alone when the discussion on mental health changed, suddenly I was able to look at my superheroes and see myself for once.
Seeing Red
I don't remember how old I was when I first heard the term invisible illness. That people can look at you and not see that there's something wrong. And more than that, that passing in that way isn't always a blessing. Because when people can't tell, they can't accommodate, I've suffered so much stress because people can look at me and assume I am normal. But when I think of invisible illnesses in superhero comics I don't think Batman, Moon Knight, or Hulk. I think of Cyclops. For anyone who has never picked up the comics, that is going to come as a surprise. The usual "take" I see going around for Cyclops is that he's the leader of X-Men, the spokesperson because he is perfect. He is a cis straight white male, he doesn't NEED to pass. His powers require him to wear glasses, a disability so solved in people's minds they don't even consider it a disability.
Cyclops' origin is that he and his brother got thrown from a plane that his parents were in. The trauma of this activates Scott's power midair and everything turns red, when he lands he cracks his head. Like many mutants his power is one that should be able to turn off, but Scott got brain damage from the collision. He spent a long time in recovery, and learning to operate again. And now he can, he requires an aid in order to be able to see without causing harm to others, but at the point we see him in modern day he is able to function. He still has brain damage, he still suffered that trauma, he still can't turn his powers off. He has to live every day knowing that if he slipped up he could accidentally cause other's harm.
But people don't see that because it's all internal, they just see a man in red shades.
More than that, Scott is a superhero in the exact vein as Batman. He lost his parents in a tragic circumstance and had to spend years honing his body. He then dedicated himself to trying to ensure he didn't lose anyone else. You can see Scott's trauma in every action he takes. It paints every decision. If you are looking, you can't miss it.
It's bright red.
Just King Things
A quick anecdote. Hank Pym, the original Ant-Man, lost his mind for awhile and became a villain. His wife tried to stop him, and the writer had put that he turns suddenly and knocks her down. It was meant to be this accidental strike that made him realize, oh no I've gone too far. However, comics are a melodramatic medium and everything is done to extremes. So when they got the art for it, Hank was now fully backhanding Janet across the room. It completely changed the course for those characters and Hank in particular became "the guy who hit his wife". I bring this up because this level of hyperextension and hyperbole, where everything must be taken to its extreme? That is what comics fandom is like.
Tom King is a writer I have to talk about if I'm going to write this piece, but one I have to talk about first because he is a polarizing figure. Personally, I really like him as a writer, and about half his books hit for me and the other half don't. And that's fine with me. He is also a writer who receives so many death threats from fans that he has had to hire bodyguards for conventions. I HATE that I need to talk about this, but I have been conditioned to bring this shit up before mentioning him online, so that if one of these types of fans arrive in the comments, people will know what the hell is happening.
The first book of Tom's I ever read was Mister Miracle, you probably heard of it because it run all the fucking awards. It also introduced people to Tom's style, well this and his Vision run.. or The Omega Men if you are cool. I just heard hey here is a cool 12 issue mini series to check out... Then I turned the page and saw our hero for the first time.
Scott is a hero. He is married to an amazing woman. But that doesn't change the fact that there is something inside him. He tries to kill himself. This was electric to me. I had never seen a hero struggle with this. I'd seen the whole "I have a death wish and I will throw myself into the jaws of danger" thing. But this was a hero, costume and all, slitting his wrists on the floor of the bathroom. I had never felt so seen. He makes jokes about it later, that he is an escape artist, he was trying to "escape death". And yeah, I joke about it too, Scott. It's a great book, but not the one I wanted to talk about. Because not too long after this Tom King took over writing Batman.
The first arc, I am Gotham, didn't really hit for me the first time through. To be fair though no one knocks it out of the park on their first Batman arc, Court of Owls being the exception. It's follow up, I am Suicide, is about Bruce assembling his own Suicide Squad to pull a heist on Bane. And if you don't immediately want to either read that or run it in a tabletop game, I am not sure if we can be friends? But throughout the entire heist, the plot is switches its focus over to Batman and Catwoman. The two have been dancing around each other for years, in love, and once or twice actually together- but it never lasts. Selina has been sentenced to death and throughout the arc we get their letters sent back and forth in prison.
Bruce's broke me.
He says how its time for them to finally admit what they are to each other. He admits how silly it all is, the cape and cowl, a little boy vowing to war against all crime. How badly he wants to laugh at it all. But he can't. Everyone knows the story, a ten year old boy on his knees vowing to make war on all criminals, to avenge his parents. But what King reveals is that his hands weren't empty. Bruce had taken one his father's razors. He cuts himself because he doesn't want to be in a world like this, this painful, this cruel. That vow? It was what he chose to become instead. He gave up his life.
I don't know when death got inside me. I think it's always been there. I don't have a secret origin, a trauma that let it in. I think I was born with a knife to my wrist. So reading those words. Realizing the title of the arc wasn't about the assembled squad, but Bruce himself. "I am Suicide."
I don't think I can express what it meant to see that expressed by someone else. And more than that, what it meant see those words coming from my childhood hero.
Needless to say, this run got its hooks in me deep at that point. But something else was happening at the same time for me. This was around the point where I got my own diagnosis: I am Borderline.
It's a bittersweet thing. It is honestly incredibly useful for me to have a diagnosis, having a label lets me find the resources I need. It gives me the ability to actually find out what I need to know. I started being able to identify and address some of my worst habits. But it was also... god, I don't think I have ever seen a positive depiction of BPD? Like outside of psychopathy or sociopathy it has gotta be up there for "villains only". The thing most people know it from is Girl, Interrupted. However, between a family who works in hospitals and my own therapies/facility treatments I have been around a lot of healthcare professionals. And you know what I heard a lot "Borderlines are the fucking worst of them.", "They aren't just violent, they are manipulative." I used to be pretty open about my BPD, I was glad to know and I even met others with it and found some support... I don't share it so freely anymore.
There's a scene in Mask of the Phantasm, the best Batman movie(fight me), where Bruce is pleading at his parents' grave. Wanting to give up on his vow, asking that it be okay, because he "never expected to be happy."
It's an absolutely heart-rending scene, and as a kid it's something where you go "wait, he doesn't want to be Batman?" for the first time. It also sets up a dichotomy: Bruce can either be happy or be Batman. It's a status quo that King spends the rest of the run interrogating and destroying. The focus shifts almost entirely to his relationship with Selina and having to accept that, despite being broken, he is someone worth loving and being loved. And its comics, there are a lot of obstacles and swerves in there. But at the end of the day it ends on the thesis that yes, those things are true. Bruce can be Batman and be happy. He can love and is loved. And he is broken, still. Love can't fix us. Happiness can't. But just because we are different, just because those things don't fill in the void that we live with... doesn't mean we don't deserve them.
It was a story I very much needed in my life when it came out. It's a story I have very much needed to return to since then. But also I am glad to see that more stories have been coming out like it since. This might have been the one that made me feel seen. And I hope these new stories will do that for others.
