I'm currently listening to Cyberpunkers - Fuck the System as should you.

A close friend recommended this song to me, at least a decade ago. Whereever you are, tsr, i hope you are well. I regret only that things became weird between us after i told you i was bi. I wanted things not to become weird in case i kissed a boy in front of you. I wanted to give you a heads up, not convince you of anything.

anyways.

I was waiting for my first round of OW for tonight when i started this. By now i have supported my teams through 4 games. I am writing this inbetween rounds. I dont remember whether we won or not, that stuff doesnt matter. I play Mercy and do my best to keep my mates up and running. Sometimes i do good, sometimes i do ok, sometimes i suck :D

As long as it doesnt get boring (i.e. i die a lot without getting to do anything), i will have fun and its good. okok, i admit i will enjoy being smashed against a wall out of nowhere by a reinhardt to no end.

yikes.

In the last year ive been having trouble adjusting to playing with a certain person. But i think i have passed the point at which i feel like throwing up while playing with him, can finally actually stand it and also have fun doing so.

He made me incredibly jealous at some point. But at the time i didnt understand how much of a flirt my wife is. I am coming to terms with it. It wasnt easy to get back here, but i used to never get jealous. Especially not at her friends. I was incredibly certain about our relationship. But i guess my old self had to have a word in my transition and insist on becoming jealous just when i "lost" my masculinity that i have been hiding behind.

If i had not been so introverted, i would have been sadposting constantly on the bird app for the past ten+ years. But i didn't want people to see me as the weak little human that i am. I wanted people to like me, and nobody likes jealous, sad people.. i was mostly scared of getting the same reactions i was getting in highschool: ridicule over my outward appearance and dismissal over my mind. Homelife wasnt much better, when i did bad things i would get hit. Contrast this to wifeys experience: her homelife was heaven, at school it was hell.

now,

i am a parent myself, my girls call me mom and wifey is mommy, and the last thing i want is them to have a homelife like mine. So, naturally i need to change. Im still scared shitless about how i am perceived online, but i am me and i am here and i am here to stay. Deal with it, cuz i have to aswell. Also, it doesn't really matter how any of you online folks perceive me. But since i dont have many offline friends, it always felt like i shouldnt "mess this up". Now that i can rewatch my life with girlglasses on and go "holy shit! how was i this clueless?" i can say: it wasnt worth it pretending to be someone else off- AND online. I was scared someone would call me out and say i wasnt manly enough or something, but this constant performance for other peoples sake only made me miserable.

i made this game "Temporal Pest"

originally a tempest clone in godot. I enjoyed making it and i will continue making games whenever i feel like it. The dream is to eventually not having to rely on a dayjob. Don't get me wrong, i am incredibly thankfull to my employer and its a good job actually, but if i did not have to get up every morning and sell my worktime to someone, i could actually live my life instead of coping constantly. This is not about me being lazy. This is about not worrying over subsistence in the general public. I havent read much theory, but i did listen to a librivox recording of Peter Kropotkins "The conquest of bread" multiple times and i can only agree wholeheartedly in his call for well-being and solidarity for all.

But even if none of you are interested in my output, i enjoy making it, and as long as i can extract joy from this, i will keep it up in my free time. Not working, but making.

If you enjoy what i make or write, please send me a head pat or a "good girl". Otherwise, move along: this was not meant for your eyes.