JcDent

Here are some of the great website features that I now enjoy:

• I have been named a beneficiary in Eggbug's will
• Once per day I can change a non-Plussed user's profile picture to whatever I want
• I can now set my Stance to Auto-Counter, which will deal 50 blood damage (ignoring armor) to any users that attempt to report my posts
• Every member of @staff must now think about me when kissing loved ones
• Every "like" my posts get now put me one step closer to the 10,000 "like" threshold necessary to unlock Cohost Plus! Squared!! status, which will allow me to purchase epic mounts
• If you try to criticize me @staff will DM you a polite but stern warning. If you get three warnings you are fined $100 and then banned
• Klout score instantly goes up by 30 points
• Interacting with my posts now grants you perfect recall of the half-remembered song that has been playing in the back of your mind all week
• Purchasing my game now gives you a deep sense of satisfaction that you are helping me afford my very important contribution to this budding website
• Two inches added to height, one inch added to dick girth
• "Pity likes" are now sincere

• Defeating opponents fills your Cohost Plus! Battle!! Pass!!!, granting you access to a wide array of unspendable currencies
• If 100,000 people sign up for Cohost Plus!, the brain clamp suppressing Eggbug's true capabilities will be removed
• Signing up for Cohost Plus! lets you perceive new flavors
• Cohost Plus! subscribers will be mailed a gun at the end of every calendar year. You don't get to pick what kind but it's still a nice gesture
• For Cohost Plus! subscribers, instead of Nerf Or Nothing, it's just Nerf
• If you have a hole, Cohost Plus! takes care of that for you, no questions asked
• Cohost Plus! doesn't stop
• Cohost Plus! ages you up (WARNING: IRREVERSIBLE. CANCELLING COHOST PLUS! SUBSCRIPTION WILL NOT GRANT REJUVINATION.)
• When you click "Confirm Payment" on Cohost Plus!, a deep, warm sense of satisfaction suffuses the whole of your being, making you wonder how you ever lived before Cohost Plus!. Were you even ALIVE before Cohost Plus!? No. No, you weren't. Not in any way that counts.
• CORRECTION TO ABOVE FEATURE LIST: The inch added to dick girth is cumulative month-over-month. @staff have promised to add a toggle to curtail unrestricted hog growth at some point in the future (P2)