https://archiveofourown.org/works/52354933
Word Count: 2,857
This is awkward, you thought. You still haven’t even met up with the guy yet, and you’re already feeling awkward.
For what felt like the tenth time that day, you cursed yourself for opting to buying this item used, in a face-to-face deal, rather than just ordering a new one online. You could have had it delivered, and there would have been no need to meet the person you’re buying this… thing from.
But even as this thought entered your mind again, you also quickly remembered why exactly you chose to do this, despite everything. These things are stupid expensive. You weren’t sure why exactly. Maybe because they were produced exclusively in a foreign region, and oversees shipping adds to the cost. Maybe because the company that produces them is just that popular and has such good reputation, so it has to charge this much for such high quality products. In any case, when you saw this item listed on a marketplace for second-hand items, in practically mint condition and barely used, for half of its original price, you couldn’t really find any arguments within yourself that getting one from an actual store would be a better option.
You even double checked the listing. It really was the original and not a fake – all proper markings were in their places. The listing even showed that the item really was in its original packaging. It was opened before, a few years ago… But since it was in such good condition, some cleaning and disinfecting would be enough. It’s not fit for anything too serious anyway, so it wasn’t used in anything too extreme.
And yet now that you were waiting for the guy to show up at the spot where you agreed to meet eachother, you felt anxious about how the meeting was going to go. How were you even going to look the person in the eyes when buying… this from his hands?
You sighed and tried to relax a little, then looked around the area. The seller asked for a meeting in front of a subway station. You could understand the desire to meet at a public place, but you weren’t sure if you would be able to recognize him in a crowd of so many people rushing in and out. Though, he did say that you will know it’s him, even if you don’t really know what he looks like. Plus, you described what you were wearing, so he could find you instead. And if that didn’t work, you two could always call eachother and find one another this way instead…
“OVER HERE!”
You jumped when a loud, booming voice roared like thunder somewhere behind you. You turned around, not even confident that the voice was calling out to you specifically – it was on instinct. So did a bunch of other people, as you realized a second later. All that quickly stopped mattering though, because you realized that a very tall, looming figure in a pretty extravagant outfit was approaching you pretty fast. And you knew he was approaching you specifically, because his eyes were locked on you in an intense stare. So intense, you almost panicked and ran away, the purchase be damned. It took you another moment to cancel that thought, because you finally realized who exactly was coming towards you.
It was one of the Subway Bosses. Ingo, if you remembered correctly. A very famous person. Holy shit. You no longer felt the need to run away, since you weren’t getting approached by an unstable person or anything, like your brain initially thought. But that didn’t make you any less confused. Why was he even approaching you, clearly wanting you to meet him halfway as well, judging by how he was waving at you? How often does one get attention from a famous person for seemingly no reason?
Ingo was approaching closer, and you finally noticed what looked like a plain gift bag in one of his hands. Maybe he mistook you for... Wait… No way. This couldn’t be true. Impossible. There must have been some sort of mistake.
Were you meeting the fucking Subway Boss Ingo for the deal?! It was him you were supposed to be meeting?!
No way. No fucking way. This couldn’t be happening.
The Subway Boss seemed to ignore your shocked expression, as he finally came up to you and the corners of his mouth barely twitched as he attempted to smile.
“Ah, finally, I have found you! My name is Ingo. My apologies if I have made you wait for me for a long time”.
He said your name, to confirm that it was really you, and you could only nod while opening and closing your mouth like a Magikarp out of water. It was so weird to hear him say your name. Holy shit, it was really him you were meeting. As if this couldn’t get any more awkward for you. What did you do to deserve this?
Ingo seemed oblivious to your turmoil. “Ah, but this place might be tad too crowded. Perhaps we should step away to a more peaceful location, so as to not obstruct the traffic, and so you could inspect the massager without any stress”.
While you were panicking internally, the man put his hand on your back and led you away from the subway station entrance, to a less crowded place. You followed with no complaints, still too shocked by the circumstances you found yourself in to really say anything. Wait, did he say the massager? That… well, he wasn’t wrong, technically, but that really wasn't what it was used for… Maybe he was just being kind and not saying the actual name of the item out loud, as to save you some embarrassment.
When the two of you were in a slightly more secluded place, outside the area where people were rushing in and out of the Subway, you looked at the bag in his hand. You really, really hoped that this meeting would go by fast, and the Subway Boss would just hand you the bag. You would give him the money, and the two of you would go your separate ways, never remembering this event ever again, forgetting it even happened after just a few days.
Those hopes were shattered however, when Ingo opened his mouth, and a seemingly endless flow of information began to spill out.
“I assure you, this device really is of brilliant quality! The reason I would prefer to give it away is because I simply do not use it enough to justify it taking up quite a large amount of space in my closet. It simply keeps slipping my mind that I own it at all, and often I lack free time to actually utilize it. Nevertheless, the few times I did manage to find some vacant time to use it as intended, I was left very much impressed!”
You felt your face grow red and hot the more the Subway Boss spoke. He didn’t seem to be about to stop, and when he began to list all the different settings and the vibrations they provide, you had to stop him yourself.
“I- thank you! For telling me! I believe you; you don’t have to tell me more!”
Shockingly, that seemed to have actually worked, and the Subway Boss stopped the word flow. He blinked, then his face got what you assumed was a sheepish expressions. His own cheeks grew slightly pink, and he put a hand over his mouth, a little embarrassed. Though, weirdly, seemingly over ranting, rather than because of the things he was saying.
“Ah, my apologies. I must have gotten a little off track. But I assure you, it’s only because the device is truly marvelous. It is very effective in relieving stress incredibly well”.
You had to use all your inner strength to not bury your face in your hands and scream your lungs out from embarrassment. This was not something you wanted to hear from Ingo the Subway Boss, and not a conversation you wanted to have with the seller of that item at all, for that matter. Why did he even feel like it was okay to tell these things to a stranger?!
Ingo pointed his finger up. “It was especially effective against tension in the muscles on my back. If you lead a sedentary lifestyle, I am sure you would find this device incredibly useful for back ache and discomfort”.
That part made your brain glitch for a moment. Muscle tension? Back aches? Was he…? Oh, Dragons. He really was talking about it as a regular massager! You thought the listing on the marketplace called it that as a cover. Otherwise it would have been against terms of service. Sure, this thing was initially created and designed as a massager, but it was widely known as a sex toy, for decades now. You thought this man knew that. But, apparently he really did not…
Feeling relieved and rejuvenated, you smiled at the Subway Boss, no longer feeling ashamed. Why would you? You were just buying a massager.
“Yeah. I’m sure it’s really good, I’ve read the reviews…”
You were about to ask the man if you could finally have the bag, so you could take a peek at its contents, when another voice behind you called out to the Subway Boss and got his attention before you could.
“Ingo!”
Ingo looked behind you, and you turned around as well. A man in a uniform similar to Ingo’s was approaching you two, at an almost alarming speed, walking in a way that made your brain panic for a moment again, thinking that he might trample over you.
The man you assumed to be Subway Boss Emmet quickly approached you two, completely ignoring your presence, and stood by his twin.
“Ingo. There you are. I found you. You disappeared verrry suddenly”.
Ingo messed with the visor of his hat. “I apologize for my abrupt departure, Emmet. I wanted to give away the massager I mentioned, before we head out to have lunch. I was in such a hurry; it must have slipped my mind to warn you”.
Finally, Emmet noticed that Ingo wasn’t alone, and looked down at you. You smiled and waved, a little awkwardly, feeling like you were getting studied under his gaze. Especially when he looked you up and down. Ingo seemed to be oblivious to the slightly uncomfortable silence, but he filled that silence anyway.
“It has been taking space and collecting dust for a while. I was just explaining to the dear passenger here the benefits of owning this specific model”.
A minute ago, you would have been mortified to have this conversation, especially with a third party listening in. But since the realization that Ingo really saw this device a massager, you no longer felt any shame. “Yes, he was. About how good it is for back aches and all”.
Emmet nodded, his seemingly constant smile became wider somehow.
“I am Emmet. Yes. It certainly is. I am sure. Good for itches too, right?”
You raised your brow. Itches? You weren’t sure what Emmet was talking about, and at first, neither did Ingo, it seemed. But his face quickly lit up. “Ah, of course! I suppose, since this device is long and lacks wires to limit its range, it would be a wonderful tool for reaching places one normally wouldn’t be able to reach with a hand”.
“Yes. It will certainly be better than a hand. Much more effective. Yup”.
Emmet looked at you again, and you really didn’t like the look in his eyes. There was something really sly and cheeky about them. You couldn’t tell if he was insinuating anything by the tone of his voice, as it was really flat. But even without that element, you could have sworn he was…
“It really is! Even though I’m giving the massager away, I must say, it has done its task wonderfully!” Ingo kept talking about the massager, praising it once again. Emmet nodded along, not taking his eyes off of you.
“Yes. I’m sure it has. It will give its new owner lots and lots of pleasure. Like I said. Much more than a hand could”.
You felt like you were struck by a Thunder Shock. Ingo didn’t notice the shocked and horrified expression on your face, but Emmet sure did. Which wasn’t surprising, since he was watching you very closely the whole time. And you could swear his smile become even wider, and the mischievous fire in his eyes burned brighter.
Ingo might have been oblivious. But Emmet knew. He knew, and he knew that you knew that he knew.
You quickly turned your gaze to Ingo, trying very hard not to show just how stressed you were on the inside. Though you were sure it was obvious through your voice anyway.
“Yes. Well. So. It was nice to talk and all, but. But I think it’s time for me to go, so if you could…”
Ingo realized what you were talking about and perked up. “Right, my apologies for getting derailed again. Here you go…” He took the bag in his hand by both of its handles and opened it up, reaching into it and seemingly about to pull the box inside of it out.
“There, you can inspect it and make sure it-“
“NO!”
You suddenly realized what Ingo was about to do and in a moment of desperation, you quickly reached for the bag and closed it up forcefully, before he could pull the contents out to the light. The Subway Boss looked at you in what you assumed was shock, while his twin was seemingly trying very hard to contain a laugh. A moment later, you realized what you did and pulled your hand back, in a hurry to think of an excuse for your action.
“Ah… I- I don’t need to look at it too closely, I trust you”.
“Are you quite certain? Purchasing such item without inspecting it beforehand-“
“Yes, I’m sure!”
Ingo didn’t seem too convinced, but he handed you the bag anyway which you promptly took. You did take a quick peek into the bag, just in case, but didn’t pull anything out either. The box was obviously for the device you needed, and the bag itself was relatively heavy, and that was enough proof at the moment.
Ingo gave you another hesitant look, but didn’t insist anymore. “There’s a receipt for it in the bag, to confirm that it is the original product. All of the booklets and instructions are inside the box”.
“Mhm, yes, thank you!” You held the bag in one hand and reached for your pocket, to pay for it already and end this humiliation. You handed Ingo the cash, while Emmet watched the transaction with the same unchanging smile. Maybe it was just his neutral expression, but you still felt nervous under his gaze. He stayed suspiciously silent for a bit, and you weren’t surprised when he opened his mouth again.
“I am Emmet. You got your pleasure. Now leaving the money and bailing? I see. Verrry interesting”.
You glared at Emmet, feeling your cheeks burn with embarrassment and annoyance. While Ingo seemed unsure what his brother meant, the smiling twin was already opening his mouth again to embarrass you even further.
“That much? I’d be offended, brother”.
Ingo, thankfully, didn’t notice the looks you were giving his brother, and the redness on your face. He instead looked at Emmet with confusion.
“I am not sure what you mean, Emmet. I have adjusted the price of the item according to its original cost and the fact that it cannot be considered “new”, as I have used it a few times before. Are you saying I should have set the price higher? I do not think it would have been a good idea”.
You could no longer stay in this place. Once Ingo had the money in his hand, and you had the bag, you decided that it was time for you to bail.
“Okay! Thank you. For the massager! I need to go now! Bye!”
You turned around and began to leave in a hurry. It didn’t matter where, as long as it was away from the Subway Bosses and the place itself. As you were leaving, you could hear Emmet’s laughter, and Ingo trying to get his brother to explain why he thought this wasn’t a high enough price.
You made sure to be very, very far from the meeting location, before you allowed yourself to stop, catch your breath and process everything that had just happened. You looked down at the bag in your hand. You got your desired toy for half its usual price, as you wanted, but at what cost?...
Oh, Dragons, this was so ridiculous. No one would ever believe you if you told them you bought a vibrator from Subway Boss Ingo, and Subway Boss Emmet made fun of you for it. Not that you would be sharing this story with anyone. Not anytime soon, at least.