Everyone deals with grief differently. Refusing to grieve also looks different for different people.
Emmet was the first one to voice that something was wrong. You got that feeling too, but chalked it up to just your regular concern you often felt ever since you started dating the twins. Ingo stayed late at work pretty often, after all. It always concerned you just how much him, and oftentimes Emmet too, overworked themselves. But it was also nothing out of the ordinary. It felt scary to admit that tonight this anxiety felt too foreign and uncanny, in a way you couldn’t even explain it to yourself. It was more than just regular concern.
When Emmet voiced that he felt this way too, there was nothing to stop both of you from making a trip to Gear Station. Just to make sure you two really were worried for nothing and it was baseless spike of paranoia, you kept telling yourself. You had to tell this to yourself, otherwise the anxiety would have been too loud and overwhelming for your mind to handle well. The mantra stopped being effective when you and Emmet arrived at the Subway and found out that Ingo was not in his office and hasn’t been seen by anyone for a few hours, to the point everyone assumed he just went home already. It got worse when neither you, nor Emmet managed to reach him through his phone or Xtranciever – he was simply not picking up. That was when the anxiety in your mind turned into silent panic. Silent on the outside, that it.
The several hours after that were a blur. You aren’t even sure who was it who called Elesa – you or Emmet. You only remember frantically running around the city with your Pokemon team, along with your partner and friend, frantically looking for Ingo or any cue that could point to where he was. You also remember feeling the mortification when Emmet and Elesa, after hours of searching, said they found nothing, just as you.
The rest of the night was an even worse blur, as your brain was too exhausted from worry and of looking through every nook and cranny of Nimbasa city to function properly. Once you and Emmet got back to your shared apartment, you both began making phone calls. To hospitals, Pokemon Centers, police stations. After not finding any clues, you had to grit your teeth and call the morgues, silently hoping you wouldn’t get anything from that either.
You didn’t. It was the only piece of good news you got that night.
Emmet gave you the last update about Ingo you received that day – his phone, Xtranciever and Pokeball belt were found on the tracks, in one of the Subway tunnels during a morning safety check. Ingo did not have any of his Pokemon on him, wherever he was.
And that was it. No clues as to what happened to him or where he might be. Even with Elesa using her connections and helping to search through the whole Unova region, there was simply nothing. It was as if Ingo simply popped out of existence.
That night and the first day were a mindless mess in your memory, but if you were honest, the whole week after that was not much better. Remembering it was hard, not only because your feelings were a painful mess, but also because the state you were in must have affected your brain, and all the events were a jumbled mess in your mind, often not linked to specific time or date. You hate it. Your memory is usually much better than that.
The memories got less foggy and smothered as the time went by. There was more stress, the eventual missing person report, some media coverage (it was easy for you to forget that your partners are celebrities), - all of it went by in a flash. But eventually things had to go back to normal, as normal as they could get a situation like this. Emmet needed to return to work. You had to go back to your own responsibilities as well. Both you and Emmet had to rely on the police, wait and hope that they will be able to get to the bottom of this, and, hopefully, find Ingo. Or his body-
But just because things have to go back to normal, doesn’t mean that they will. Not all of them. To you it was especially clear back at home. Everything was suddenly different. And not just because of the empty space you felt in there.
It affected your relationship with Emmet too. At least, that was how it felt to you. You never actually talked about it with him. But it felt different. It’s been about a month since the night Ingo disappeared at this point, and you and Emmet have barely said a word to eachother that wasn’t about the situation you two found yourselves in. And even that was mostly during the first week. As the time went by and he returned to work, you two have been… distant. You weren’t avoiding eachother, you were sure of that. But you still barely talked.
The truth is, Ingo was always the one good with words between you three. That’s not to say you and Emmet couldn’t communicate without the older twin there. But it felt like neither of you simply knew what to say to eachother in a situation like this. Whatever you could think of felt either empty or pointlessly painful. You were not sure, but you had a guess Emmet felt a similar way. So both of you opted to saying nothing at all.
You would have began to seriously worry, if not for what happened about a month after Ingo’s disappearance. It was when you felt like the ice got broken, even if you didn’t realize it was there at first.
It was late evening, you were alone at home. You were already done with all your business, while Emmet was still at work. You knew you shouldn’t worry – he did that a lot even before everything that happened. And recently he’s been staying overtime even more than usual. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. But you still worried that he was overworking himself too much, and you couldn’t even approach him about it. You haven’t felt like you knew how to approach him at all recently.
Besides, after Ingo’s disappearance, there was this… newfound anxiety that you now experienced almost every day. The anxiety that one night… Emmet might not return home either.
You sighed and rubbed your eyes, trying to fight the disturbing thoughts. This was becoming a problem. Everyone has intrusive thoughts once in a while, those are normal. But the amount you’ve been getting in the last two weeks was concerning. They were always about this one specific topic too. Not really surprising, considering the situation. But not helping your already messed up emotional state either.
You sat on the couch, staring into one spot for several minutes, as your mind wandered from Emmet to Ingo. You frowned without even realizing. It was hard to say what felt worse – worrying about the possibility of Emmet going missing too, or thinking about what could have happened to Ingo… You tried not to let your thoughts wander too far, but…
You wiped your eyes as they began to sting and leaned a bit forward, mentally chasing the thoughts away once again. You sighed. There was this heavy feeling in your chest that you knew you would have to address sooner or later. But thinking about it… it just hurt too much. So you kept pushing it all away for later. When the moment is right. When you are more prepared. You weren’t actually sure how you’d know if you’re “prepared”, or if you’ll ever be prepared enough at all, ever. But that was what you kept choosing to do for now, not wanting to feel this much hurt at the same time.
You raised your head and looked in the direction of Ingo’s bedroom. It wasn’t intentional. It just happened on its own whenever you were home alone and thought about the older twin. Or when your thoughts wandered in directions you didn’t want them to. Yet, the more time passed since his disappearance, the harder it was to even think about that room. To even acknowledge that it was there.
You haven’t been in there for a while. Same with Emmet. You did go in there at first, to hopefully find some clues on where Ingo could be. Once you and Emmet realized there weren’t any, you stopped coming inside. There was no need to. So the room remained untouched for a while. Now it felt hard to think about going there again. You weren’t fully sure why yourself. It’s just a room. Yet, there was something like a mental block that prevented you from going there at all. Almost like you were scared of something.
You stared in that direction silently for a while. It was a state you’ve recently found yourself in too often. Your mind was full of so many thoughts, yet if someone asked what you’re thinking about, you’d feel like your brain has been empty the whole time and you were just staring at a wall. Maybe it was the fact that you were on your own and were done with all your chores and had nothing better to do, but you felt like you really wanted to go into Ingo’s room. Not for any reason in particular; you had nothing to do in there. You just felt like going in there. Yet the paralyzing feeling was stopping you from fulfilling that simple desire.
It felt like a senseless loop. You didn’t know why you wanted to go in there or why you felt scared to do so. There was no reason in either of these states of mind that you could find, yet they still left you motionless on the couch, unable to make up your mind, staring at a wall that separated you from the view of the room in question.
Usually this internal conflict would keep you in one place for a while, until you either forced yourself to focus on something else, or until Emmet would come home and you would have that to focus on instead. That day though, something in your brain clicked. The desire to open that door and go inside grew stronger than usual, and for a few moments it overpowered the fear, making you get up from the couch and walk over to the bedroom door in an almost trance-like state. You didn’t realize what you were doing until you were already standing before Ingo’s bedroom door, about to twist the doorknob. That realization made you freeze once again.
Your heart began to beat faster, your breathing became a little shallow and your mind was enveloped with internal panic that you didn’t know why you felt. What were you doing? You don’t need to do this. Stop, before it’s too late and focus on something else.
This time, you didn’t listen to the burning anxiety and forced yourself to think and ask yourself – what was it that you were so scared of? You were in no danger. You’ve been in this room many times before and knew what to expect. You had literally no reasons to be scared of this room. Then why were you? What was stopping you from just going inside for a minute or two, and then moving along with your night?
Despite the logical reasoning, you couldn’t get your hand to twist the doorknob still. You still couldn’t explain the fear you felt, but you just couldn’t move. And yet, you couldn’t leave either. You were, once again, stuck. Just in front of the door this time, instead of on the couch or on a chair.
You stood in one place for a few more minutes, battling yourself internally. There was nothing to be scared of. Nothing to make you afraid. It’s better to just get this over with and move on. You’ll just be in and out, and your mind will be put at ease. After another spike of bravery, you finally turned the doorknob and pushed the door, revealing the darkness behind it. Before the anxiety had the chance to settle again and make you flee, you reached for the switch on the wall and flipped it in one quick motion. Once the dim lamp on the wall lit up the room, you no longer felt the need to run as overwhelmingly. Your attention was fully on the room itself.
It looked… normal. You weren’t sure what you expected – no one has been in this room in weeks, of course it looked the same as how did the last time you were there, albeit more dusty. But everything else looked the same. Same carefully made bed. Same books, figurines, photo frames on the shelves, all in the same order as they were in before. The same way everything was laying on the desk after you and Emmet looked through it while looking for clues – as to where Ingo could have gone to.
You took a deep breath in. The lingering familiar smell that was barely there at this point made your heart sting and eyes became a little wet. And even the barely remaining Ingo’s presence was getting drowned out by the sad smell of dust and emptiness.
Just as you knew would happen, you saw nothing new in this room. Yet, a deep part of you felt almost disappointed. You were shocked yourself when you realized that. Disappointed? Why? You knew what you were going to see. You knew Ingo wasn’t there...
You sighed shakily and wrapped your arms around yourself, as if you felt cold. The feeling of disappointment and sadness that followed suddenly made sense. Not logically, but emotionally. Maybe that was why you had so much trouble, yet so much desire to go into this room. You subconsciously wanted to see Ingo again and that to do that, you have to go into his room, but logically you knew you won’t find him there. Seeing his room empty and dusty would ruin whatever illusion you subconsciously created that he’s there, nearby, and you only need to open a door to see him again.
And now that illusion you didn’t even know you created was broken – the reason coming into this room was so hard.
You stepped deeper inside, looking around, as if to make sure you really were alone there. The more time you spent in the dimly lit room, the deeper the pit in your stomach felt, the more something in your chest hurt. It was the same hurt you’ve been trying to avoid for the last few weeks. You didn’t want to feel it, yet running away from it and refusing to acknowledge it brought you here anyway.
Ingo was not home. He hasn’t been home in weeks. He will probably never be home again.
You felt your breathing become erratic up and your eyes stung, as heavy and hot tears welled up in them, ready to spill at any moment. Usually you’d try to keep them at bay, but a sob left your throat before you could even think about stopping yourself. And after the first sob came the second one, and in just a few seconds tears were already running down your face freely.
You rubbed the tears away and looked around the room again, before new tears obstructed your vision. It hurt, but now it felt like you couldn’t leave the room. You just couldn’t. You stepped closer to the bed and sat down as more sobs escaped your throat and more tears rushed down your cheeks.
You kept looking around the dusty room as you cried quietly. It was just like when you were looking around this room for the very first time, studying all the details and memorizing what there was. You knew it all by heart already, but you were still looking around, paying attention to every single detail. The more details you noted, remembering how you noticed it before too, the more it hurt, yet you couldn’t stop.
Eventually you closed your eyes and lowered your head, your hands resting on your lap as you cried. You have long given up on wiping the tears away, as more would come and you whole face would be even more wet. Breathing was hard and everything hurt, but you couldn’t stop before, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to now either. You didn’t even have the energy to try.
You couldn’t bear to look at the room anymore, and there was nothing else for you to see, so you kept crying, sitting on the painfully familiar bed. Everything in this bedroom hurt, but you couldn’t push yourself to leave.
You spent a while crying in the bedroom, but eventually you grew really tired and sitting down was not enough anymore. You wiped your eyes again, smearing them all over your face, and took a deep shaky breath as you lay down on the bed. The bed brought forth even more memories that were now painful to remember, and you shrunk into a fetal position, as if it would somehow help rid of the sharp ache in your chest.
You still felt awful and it hurt, but you didn’t have any more tears to cry for now, and all the sobbing and sniffling made your face and chest sore, so you knew you needed a break. As much as it hurt, the bed was right here. Besides, you still didn’t want to leave the room. Not yet.
You closed your eyes and drew in another deep breath, trying to get your breathing back to normal and soothe the physical ache you got as a result of crying so much. The distant, lingering familiar scent mixed with dust tickled your nose, making your heart ache even more. If you weren’t so tired, you would have started crying again.
Lying on the bed and crying made you lose track of time, so you had no idea how much time you actually spent in Ingo’s bedroom. It was a startling surprise when you heard the front door open and close, and then the sounds of someone walking in the apartment.
You froze and raised your head from the dusty but neat blanket. You waited quietly, watching the doorway, your nerves suddenly strained, like a spring that was ready to unwind and jump at any moment. You watched the shadow in the corridor through the doorway and listened to the footsteps, until a familiar tall figure appeared in there, in an unmistakable hat, white shirt and blue tie.
Your heart skipped a beat and you felt a shiver run down your spine when your eyes met the silver ones. The shock only lasted for a second, until you realized that the one standing in the doorway was Emmet. It only took you a second, but you still felt shame about the mistake your brain made because of his face – his usual smile was nowhere to be seen. Though it has been a regular occurrence for some time now.
His own face looked almost shocked for a brief moment when he peeked into the bedroom, before getting replaced with something subtle, but sour, and you managed to notice it. Disappointment.
It didn’t even hurt. You understood. Because you felt something very similar just a few moments ago.
You and Emmet stared at one another for a few seconds without saying a word. Even without saying anything, it felt like both of you understood what the other was thinking. Emmet stepped into the room slowly and crawled onto the bed, lying next to you. You instinctively scooted closer and wrapped an arm around the younger twin, while he did the same with you, and your face was now buried in his shirt.
You held eachother tightly, cuddled up on the bed that hasn’t been used in a month. You pressed your face a bit deeper into Emmet’s chest, craving the warmth of his embrace. Funny. The topic of where you, Ingo and Emmet wanted to cuddle was often a hot one before. The three of you knew you wanted to cuddle together. But in whose room? The twins often argued, each wanting their room to be the host of the cuddle pile. Your demands that the three of you would be cuddling in your bedroom would only stop the argument half the times. Now those memories were bittersweet and the arguments seemed so pointless, as you and Emmet cuddled in Ingo’s bedroom, without Ingo even there.
A quiet sound brought you out of your thoughts back to reality. You listened closely, trying to understand what the sound was. It took you a moment to realize that those were sniffles and very quiet sobs. The way Emmet’s chest shook slightly with each quiet sob and the way he held you even tighter made it easy to understand that Emmet was crying, even if you couldn’t see his face at the moment.
You froze. Why was this such surprise to you? Of course he was crying. You were crying too just now. The whole situation was awful for him as well, if not worse. Then why did you feel like this wasn’t something you expected to happen?
Because it wasn’t. In the whole month since Ingo disappeared, you’ve not seen Emmet cry even once. You haven’t seen signs that he was crying alone either. So you just… didn’t expect it to happen now either.
But it’s strange, isn’t it? That he only now cried? Was he holding back before?... Maybe the distance you’ve been feeling between the two of you made it hard for him to come to you for comfort. Maybe this was actually not the first time he cried, and you just did not notice before somehow…
You squeezed Emmet even tighter as he cried silently. You not having any more tears to cry suddenly became untrue.