Top | =To Be Continued=>

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The first thing we see upon hitting new game is the final boss from The Final Fantasy Legend. Off to hell of a start here.

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Just kidding! Everyone's favorite Victorian oil baron, Robert Edward O. Speedwagon, is here to tutorialize. If you ask him to, he'll explain the basic controls, the Badge of Honor system, and Friendship Points, but I can get to those as they become relevant. We can also choose a difficulty level; I'll be playing everything on Normal.

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I'm writing this before putting the intro post live. Here's hoping people are actually voting, because this is probably the coolest element of 7SU. Hell, here's hoping I follow through with this in any meaningful capacity.
(...the mouse cursor isn't there much longer)

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We fade out, then back in on a salvage ship on the Atlantic Ocean in 1983.

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Crane Operator: What are you waiting for? Open it!
Man in Diving Gear: I told you! There's bound to be good stuff here, considering this is where a luxury liner went down 100 years ago...
Bald Man: Who cares?! Just hurry up and open it!!

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Bald Man: We'll force it open, then! Hey, you! Grab me a blowtorch!

The men huddle around the oddly coffin-shaped box, utterly clueless of horror tropes. Crane Operator's cousin might've heard of Dracula like, one time at a party. Sounded fake.

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Days later...

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Investigator: All we've found is an empty container that was left on the deck... It seems to have been forced open with an acetylene torch...
Investigator: ...No clue as to the whereabouts of its former contents. We are requesting that a search team for the lost crewmembers be dispatched ASAP!

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I give it a 33 out of 100; "JoJo" and "Adventure" are nowhere to be seen. We encourage you to apply again at next opportunity.

Investigator: The chest is made of reinforced steel, so whatever was in here had to be important...

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Investigator A is great at parties.

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Inspector B down by the wall - hidden by the text boxes - has vanished during this exchange.

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They left this title card in monochrome.

I first played 7SU version 2.5.3, which was fully in Game Boy style black-and-white. There's certainly a charm to the look, and I was originally going to use it for this project, but the siren song of 2.6 R's no random encounters and lowered NG+ requirements simply couldn't be ignored.

I'm getting ahead of myself here, but a weirdly large amount of 7SU's features are gated behind beating the game a certain number of times. That'll show me to start a project with unrealistic scope, I guess.

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We fade into what's meant to be an airport gate but kind of looks like a shipping depot instead. I blame the colors. (Eagle eyed readers may spot a couple of non-Part 3 cameos. These are much easier to pick out in the color version, jeez.)

An older man in Indiana Jones cosplay walks in from his plane, greeted by a middle-aged woman.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Holly: Hee hee! How's Mama?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: She threw a fit! But I told her that it was top-secret Joestar company business... Heh heh!

Meet Joseph Joestar: grandson of Part 1's Jonathan Joestar and himself the protagonist of Part 2. I haven't gotten to JoJoLion or JOJOLands yet, but Joseph probably could claim the most bizarre adventures out of any JoJo.

If memory serves me right, Joseph's day job is some kind of international real estate mogul; it doesn't really ever come up. Point is, he's a mega-rich white business executive who can take a two-month globetrotting vacation whenever he wants and literally fought shoulder-to-shoulder alongside Nazis.

He is also racist towards Japanese people. Primarily Holly's husband, Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Game.

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This is meant to be her hugging him.

ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Hey! Knock it off, Holly!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Holly: Don't wanna! I haven't gotten a chance to cuddle with you in ages!

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: H-hey... Quit it!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Holly: Tickle tickle!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Noooooooooooo!!

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Are you sure he mentioned an... evil spirit?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Holly: ...Oh, I can't believe it! My Jotaro!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Holly: It's all true! No one else in the room could see it... But I could! Another arm besides his own... and that gun!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Nobody else could see it but you? Have you been experiencing anything similarly... unusual?

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Holly: Papa... What am I going to do?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Now, now, my darling. Now that Joseph Joestar is here to save the day, there's no cause for alarm!

Last time he was here to save the day, the Earth almost got taken over by ancient vampires, so, I mean. How much worse could it get?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Now then, I'd like to meet with our Jotaro face-to-face...

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The dark-skinned man sitting off to the side stands up to leave with Joseph and Holly.

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Joseph's grandson is in the second-widest jail cell on Earth and provided with dozens of luxuries as part of his rehabilitation. It's an Italian form of penal therapy, based on an experimental prison in Naples.

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Warden: If anyone finds out about this, I'll be fired in a heartbeat...!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Don't worry. I'll handle my grandson.

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Meet the main protagonist of Part 3: Jotaro Kujo, 6-foot-5, 181 pounds of muscle... and 17 years old.

Jonathan was a proper English gentleman full of justice and Joseph was a consummate trickster, but Part 3 - as the first JoJo arc set contemporaneously - takes cues from the "yankii" / "delinquent" genre that was popular at the time (see also its Weekly Jump comrades Rokudenashi Blues, YuYu Hakusho, and Slam Dunk).

When you think about shonen manga being aimed at boys in the 9-18 age bracket, the recurring theme of protagonists being listless or rebellious teens who nevertheless find purpose in a sport or job uniquely suited to their talents (the talents in question often being Big and Strong) makes a lot of sense. However there's still something deeply comedic to me about Jotaro being introduced shotgunning a Heineken by stabbing the can with a pen in a jail cell.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: Piss off.

I was going to make a joke about how this is a poor family dynamic, but I've seen way more poor family dynamics than healthy ones in my life. This probably hovers somewhere around fair-to-good.

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Fifteen hours on a plane and this is the thanks he gets. And this is right before Japan Airlines banned smoking on international flights! It must have sucked!

Fun fact: a lot of long-distance plane routes cut northward towards the arctic circle because the diameter of Earth's sphere is simply shorter and therefore more efficient. Some also fly in a straight shot over the North Pole, though this is less common now after Russia cut off their airspace due to their fuckery in Ukraine.

It happens much less over the South Pole, due to poor weather and the fact there are way fewer airports to divert to in case of an emergency.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: (My... my finger... When did he take that off...?)
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: (Guess the ol' "pull my finger" gag won't work with him... I need new material...)
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: See that? Do you finally get it? This is my evil spirit...
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: Don't come any closer... Unless you want to cut short what little time you have left.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: (I know all about the true nature of that evil spirit of yours, Jotaro... I knew it before I even came here!)
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: (I'd clear up this little mystery for him right now... But...!)

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Abdul! ...It's your turn...

Joseph steps aside, allowing his heretofore silent cohort to take center stage.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: Give up. He looks tough, but just saying he'll get me out isn't going to make it happen.
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: Nothing you can do is going to change my mind. All you're doing is getting on my nerves.

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Meet Muhammad Abdul (known as Avdol in more recent versions, but I'll go for consistency here), our third main character. Hirohiko Araki has a penchant for naming things after musicians; he's supposed to be named after Paula Abdul, highly noted solo artist and one of the original judges on American Idol.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: That's not a problem.
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: He'll learn the hard way that even if he's broken out of prison, society is an even greater prison.

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Flames erupt from thin air around Abdul! Spontaneous human combustion claims another victim!

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Or not. A spectral man with a bird head appears behind Abdul!

ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: Is that...!?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Yes! Abdul has an "evil spirit" just like yours!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: This "spirit" that obey's Abdul's will is called...

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Tutorial battle time!

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7SU is a pretty standard turn-based JRPG. Attack is what it sounds like, though its exact properties change from character to character. Stand is for various special abilities (spells) and whatnot. Guard and Item ought be self explanatory if you have ever played an RPG in your life.

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Cardiac Massage and Stone Toss are available to every character. The former is a basic revival skill (no need to hoard Phoenix Downs), and the latter is a basic physical attack that works at medium range. Loud Yell cures the Confusion status.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: At that distance, physical attacks should be the most effective means of damaging him!

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: .......You're full of shit, Gramps.

Magician's Red wraps tendrils of fire around Jotaro's limbs!

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Abdul: Now, Jotaro! Summon your spirit as well!

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All Roman centurions were purple-skinned male strippers in loincloths, just so you know.

It shoves Magician's Red away!

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Abdul: Gah... -cough- I didn't think you'd be able to manifest it so clearly...
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Abdul: However... You fail to grasp even the very basics of Stand combat!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: Metal... Gear? Stand... combat?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Jotaro! What you thought was an evil spirit is actually a powerful vision created from your own life force! Since it appears beside you, we call it...

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Here Joseph explains how ranges work in battle. Every Stand in the game is innately Short, Medium, or Long range; Jotaro's is Short. In general, Short range attacks are going to be the most powerful, but they drop off hard the second an enemy is even in Middle range, let alone Long. Conversely, Long range skills work well even at close range, but usually cost quite a bit more SP.

ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Now then... the fight is on!

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Jotaro now has the famous Ora-ora punch rush attack in his Stand menu. Unfortunately, with Abdul at Medium range it barely hits harder than a standard attack; something like 5-6 damage. Meanwhile, throwing a pebble...

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This is the most annoying element of the battle system in 7SU, because an opponent's distance from you is up entirely to the whims of the RNG. Abdul is meant to get up in your face here so you can beat on him, but he didn't at all when I took this footage.

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I fucking lose the tutorial battle. Auspicious beginnings for this project.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: I didn't need a tutorial anyway!

Having definitely not gotten his ass beat, Jotaro goes in for the kill... but Avdol dismisses his Stand and turns his back.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Abdul: Mr. Joestar... As you can see, I've gotten him out of the cell.
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: .........Was this your plan all along?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Abdul: Not quite... I did truly intend to send you to the hospital, but your strength far exceeded my expectations.
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Abdul: You were actually rather pathetic, but I'll allow you to save face in front of Mommy. I understand that filial piety is important to to those from the Far East.
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: ...-grumble-
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: And what if I hadn't pulled these bars apart? What then?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Abdul: My ability... rather, my Stand is Magician's Red. If it came to it, my flames could easily melt them.

Melting metal doesn't make it poof into steam! It just means now there's molten steel everywhere!

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A mother knows. (So does CLAMP.)

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Hey! The nerve of you, calling your own mother a pain in the ass! Who taught you to speak like that?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: And you! Don't look so happy about it!

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Holly cannot be defeated. She's just so happy her two favorite big boys are finally in the same room together. This is family bonding, right here.

ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: Hey, Gramps! Listen up! There's still something that's bugging me. How do you know so much about my evil sp-...
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: Rather... How do you know so much about my Stand?

JoJo being a comic for kids, Jotaro immediately switches to using the correct terminology. I always thought it was goofy how - for example - in Digimon, the kids always perfectly remember the name for every single form. I always had to be told shit a few times for it to stick.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: That's why your Asian father isn't allowed here. No Joestar blood.
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: How much do I gotta have? One drop?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: I, well, uh...
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Take a look at these pictures.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: What am I supposed to be looking at?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: 4 years ago, this metal chest was pulled up from the waters west of Africa.

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ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: When it was finally discovered, it was empty. Only I know what it contained! The one Abdul and I have been searching for!
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: When you say "the one", do you mean...
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Jotaro: The scattered corpse pieces of a certain saint, reunited?
ALT TEXT GOES HERE Joseph: Wrong timeline.

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Who exactly is this "Dio", and why is he our mortal enemy? Perhaps you already know, but we'll find out next time...

Top | =To Be Continued=>


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