Librus

As I sit here on this mysterious, foggy new year's eve, (no, really, it's quite ominously foggy out here, enough to merit emphasis) I've spent the past few days in a... very normal emotional state reflecting on the fact that 2023 is going to be a big year for me whether I like it or not. This, plus the addition of... well, I don't want to say new hyperfixations, more like... discovering a place where they all connected together? Yeah, let's go with that one. Point is that I've realized a good handful of things as the coming year approaches. Potentially important things.

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As we're all inexorably and helplessly shoved through the dimension of time in one direction (better than one of the multiple known dimensions of space, I suppose), the future is forcibly forced upon ourselves. In 2023 I will graduate college, finally earning my Bachelor's of Fine Arts Degree after many initial delays and hiccups because I was incompatible with the hell we all know as the American Education System. And... well, to be quite honest, I've really had no idea where the hell I want to go afterwards.

Or, well, that's not entirely true. It's... well, as many things are with me, they are complicated. It's more that I have a general pile of talents and skills I want to pursue, but I really have no solid idea on how to... glue them all together in a comfortable shape just yet. I had an idea a short while ago, but now I have a few new fascinations that have sort of thrown the original puzzle into disarray. It's... made me a little anxious, to be completely honest!

The Old:

I used to consider myself someone who just liked to Write and Draw. But only recently have I actually begun to consider... why? A few factors, such as a certain friend being a supportive voice, along with a senior thesis encouraging some deep self-reflection, have encouraged this line of thinking, and I think I've actually gotten to a few interesting results.

I've really come to realize how fascinated I am with the concept of escapism. Ever since I was little, I've loved stories that involve journeys to other, more exciting worlds than our own. Before "Isekai" was the cultural phenomenon it is known as today, I consumed a lot of their literary ancestors - the typical childhood fantasy of being whisked away to... a place you belonged. I honestly was always so baffled that they wanted to go home every single time, which I suppose was the first indication that I was getting a lot more emotional fulfillment from these kinds of tales than others were. Heck, I even used to be hellbent on playing games that involved "make-believe", as silly as it feels to say that now. One of my larger lore collections/projects stems from the space I built up with one of my oldest friends, even, ever since I was a little thing.

As I read other kinds of media, I got really into imagining myself as a character in all these stories. A habit I still keep up now! (Privately. In my head. Nobody shall know the vast amount of self-insert stories regarding every media I've ever touched.) I always felt like I would be happier in there than I was out here. And... as potentially concerning as that sounds, that really was a huge part of what built up to all of this. I never felt complete or together or... myself outside of these stories I came up with in my head. My family was... well, difficult, school was stressful, and I really had no friends or space to really feel like I belonged. No individuals to consider a real, trustworthy family - "Mom" and "Dad" and the rest were all just titles, like "Teacher". People who I had to listen to and be scared of.

When you're than lost and lonesome, it's easy to imagine that seeing so many stories/media where people who each brandish their uniqueness, rather than stuff it into a mold, and go on exciting adventures together, having close bonds through thick and thin... well, it's easy to imagine how attached I got to them.

I wish I could go into detail more about the healthy aspects of escapism, but that's something I'm not super familiar with + writing an actual thesis about someday soon. I want to make it clear that this isn't some descent into derangement, this is going somewhere less unsettling and depressing than that! The point is that this phenomenon of imagination is basically what helped sculpt the very core essence of Librus today. I like to make up worlds, I like dreams and fantasies, and I like to occupy them - and now want to work to share them with others, tell the stories within them, in hopes of maybe touching them in all the right ways like those stories touched me when I was little. I want to use what I know to have a net positive on the world, and I have developed the skills (somewhat) to do it.

The New:

This year, however, I've discovered that there are more coherent and interesting ways to... explore this... mmm, talent? Obsession? Fascination? I'm not sure what to call what it is I'm doing, but I'm certainly working with something that drives me. I've recently really got into the idea of TTRPGs, and, despite my anxieties, have agreed to join a few. One previously mentioned friend has even wound up finding my character building skills "impressive", noting that I'm "a natural" at this sort of thing. And I don't say that to just toot my own horn, either - I say that because that statement sort of hit me like a truck. Of course I am! I've been making up characters for myself to occupy for years and years! They all take different shapes and aspects to fit the world they occupy, but they all are primarily sculpted from pieces of myself.

I've really started to look into why we love fictional characters to such a degree - enough that people Start A Discourse over them, that I see artist accounts entirely devoted to their special blorbos (or whatever adorable words they use). There's a nuance to them - a deep, complicated, and fascinating one - but these figures of all shapes and sizes are fascinating ways to fulfill ourselves. To fill holes in our hearts and heal from... well, all manner of things. As I said ages ago, and still happily quote: these are just imaginary friends, but for adults. And that doesn't have to be a sad or shameful thing, either.

People who create whole casts and worlds for them to occupy are clearly attached to these figures. There's a reason so many call their creations "my children" or "babies" or "[insert term of endearment here]". They hold incredible value to their creators, pieces of their soul put out and shaped into dorky, lovable manifestations. Anyone who has led a particularly queer group through a TTRPG campaign is well aware of what value such creations can have to their creators, too. Ways to discover oneself, to heal, to process pain and rage... all manner of useful, therapeutic things.

And... now that the end of 2022 comes closer by the second, I've recently discovered just how powerful this stuff can be - for others, and the creators behind these characters as well.

Everyone... I've recently dived deep into the world of Vtubing.

... Wait. Wait! Hang on, come back! I... give me a chance, I can explain!!

L-Look - as mad and unhinged as this sounds, believe me when I say that this is sort of where I feel like this whole road has been leading me. To sculpt a vessel of a fictional character, and occupy it, and have it occupy a general space where it can freely interact with a public audience + other vessels created by others.

It's basically the queer utopia - to be able to sculpt even the most silly and nonsensical of identities, complete with backstories and rich lore. Bodies one happily inhabits and makes the world brighter for doing that. I and lots of other people with Gender Weirdness have dreamt about being able to just hit a "customize character" button whenever the hell they'd like, and... this really is that fantasy, as close as it can get to reality.

Obviously there's nuance here, too. The line between fantasy and reality is an important one, and everyone has their own, personal reasons for pursuing such a passion. There are parasocial relationship boundaries, a passive understanding that the characters typically are not 100% their creator-occupants, and... well, the drama that follows any internet-based cultural phenomenon around.

It is clear, however, that it's gotten very huge, very quickly. There are idol groups, corporations that manage swathes of these fictional figures, industries and applications built to handle all sorts of facets of this process - and media that stems from that, people discussing and dissecting the thoughts and ideas put behind these creations (and for those that let the people peek behind the curtain, their creators as well).

It is also clear just how unashamed so many of these people are, in the best way. So many "Vtuber lore/backstories" being so silly, edgy, self-indulgent, or utter nonsense - and yet nobody really judges them. Communities thrive around these silly stories, as they should!

Maybe I'm looking way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaay too much into this, as someone accustomed to shyly observing from a distance, but... this really feels like a manifestation of this condition to create and become deeply attached to these fictional characters - our own and those of others.

Cringe is dead, and so is gender. The power to be anyone and anything we want to is becoming increasingly available - as long as it's through a screen. Anyone can have a dorky anime backstory, tell the stories they want to tell through these virtual puppets, and it's amazing.

And while this is very much going to get me domed with a brick through my window, I'd even say it's a form of Art. It's self-expression. It's a way for someone to tell you a story or show you a picture and for that media to get inside you and make you feel things. To uplift others with what you can do. To have a net positive on the world.

The Mechapress:

... Okay. Okay.

Whew.

Okay, I've calmed down.

Composure. Composure.

Okay.

... It's hard to take myself seriously sometimes, but this has been a sort of revelatory past few days for me. I... hope I haven't sounded like a total loser, or worse, a complete lunatic. Cringe is dead, yes, as it should be, but... it's hard not to feel embarrassed when talking about the silly things I care about, sometimes.

Self-expression is something I've been really passionate about for as long as I can remember. The Mechapress, since its original 1.0. incarnation, was meant to be a foundation for that. And... now I think I finally have an idea on how to tie everything up all nice with a bow. I think. I've always had plans for video essay projects, creating a little animated visage of myself or something to make watching me dither on about nonsense more engaging and whatever - but I realize that maybe there's an even better way to do this.

There's still some bumps in the whole process, of course. Doubts and worries, things that obviously need thought and patience beforehand. Nothing to say of... y'know, actual labor and effort put into things, some of which may take months or more of learning to fully refine...

But... as uncertain as 2023 is going to be for me... getting a paying job, moving out on my own, understanding everything I'll need to, and very quickly developing agency... at least I am hurtling into the future with a pretty solid idea of a dream to chase. Yes, I have no idea how I'm going to get there, but I know I will get there if I take things one step at a time. And... that makes the oncoming mess that is "the future" a little less scary. I don't know if that's where I'll end up taking my dream as the years go by, of course - the future is very hard to predict, after all - but right now, I have an idea and a goal. (On top of my more immediate goals, like securing financial stability and housing and all that. On top of... y'know, passing my courses next semester and *graduating.) One step at a time, but I know the direction I want to take the steps in, is what I'm saying.

So, yes. This is one very long-winded way for me to say "Hey, everyone, I'm kind of super-mega-interested in getting into this whole Vtubing deal!" - but come on. It's the new year. And did you really expect anything less from someone infamous for producing walls upon walls of text? You followed me, you know what you were in for.

I also just want to work my voice more, see how I sound and how I can improve. (I'm also just curious if I can actually harmonize, to a degree. Maybe even sing...? Hmm...) If any of you know some good exercises for that sort of thing, or would be interested in having me talk alongside you in... some project of yours, be it a video or stream, let me know. There won't be a cute anime boy visage attached to me just yet, so... y'know, get in while you can. I also just think I may as well try and have a little fun with practice, and see what else I can get out of giving this a try.

... Plus, to go back to some points I made many paragraphs ago: I think this may help me out with some things I'm struggling with. I'm very awkward around others, have a hard time talking to strangers, and generally just... have a hard time speaking clearly. Maybe by putting a screen and "getting into character", that might help me get past that sort of problem, because... well, I'd very much like attention and connection. Maybe this whole deal could help me make friends, or who knows what else?

(And... well, since I'm spilling the whole tea kettle at this point: I've been really interested in seeing what other people might do with characters and worlds I've made. Yes, it's embarrassing to admit "I'd like to see what fanfiction people would make from my own OCs and myself!" but I'd be genuinely curious to see it someday. I love it when parts of what I've created are put into other people's stories (as long as they're respectful about it).

... And yes, yes, gay smooches, yes, if you even needed me to elaborate on that one.)

The New Year:

So, let's wrap this up with some resolutions. After some hazy prior years of never making them, I'm actually feeling confident enough to try and keep up with them this time. So let's go:

• Finally, Finally update the website and start using it again.

• Try creative expression regularly (drawing, writing, make it all a habit, please, use the website, oh my gooooddddd).

• Graduate!

• Transition into an independent lifestyle comfortably and start thriving now that you have a true private space and can sing like nobody's watching.

• Start practicing voicework/voice exercises, however one goes about that.

• Maybe try streaming with a .PNG avatar or something, you know how to do cool graphics, you can make the rest of the layout look kickass, I know you can.

• PHYSICALLY EXERCISE AT LEAST THREE/FOUR TIMES A WEEK HOLY SHIT

• Continue to improve and better yourself as a person.

... Okay, go!

... Oh, and I was going to write this on the actual website, but... it's such a mess I've been shying away from it recently. I have to install a bunch of plugins on it, and reupload every single image on there so it's... "future-proofed". Something to devote a few straight days to doing, methinks.

I also wanted to upload this with fancy animated text, but... that would probably break Cohost a bit, since I think there is some impossible, upper limit for text that can be eventually reached with enough fancy bits of code.

Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! If you read this all the way to the end and didn't wince at my being a silly dork, I thank you for your incredible patience in every regard.

MECHAPRESS WILL RETURN!