Lizstar

Gay Murr Girl

Liz, Goblin, Part-Time Shark, VTuber, retired speedrunner, author, GDQ staff, Sega fan, "Yuri Sommelier", Walking Encyclopedia of All Things Useless, Twitch partner, general menace. Says "Murr" a lot. This is not a place of honor, views my own, etc. Avatar art by me.


Exocolonist

So I read a lot of gay woman comics. One of these is a comic called Motherlover, which I actually got into not too recently, like January, about two moms who fall in love. It's cute and gay. The author mentioned in a post under the comic that hey, her game was up for awards soon, and to wish her luck!

I was like "oh a game I wonder what that's like" I looked at it, I bought it, and I've done little in my spare time but play this game the past few days. It better fucking win those awards.

I Was A Teenage Exocolonist is one of the best games I've played this year. It came out in 2022, actually, so it can't really be my GOTY but it'd seriously be up there if it was. And I wanna talk about it. This is a pretty spoilerific game, big emotions, big story. If you want to play it, play it, don't read my review. I'll put REAL big spoilers under spoiler tags, though, if you're curious, and try to hide the real important stuff.

Want a quick absolutely nonspoiler review? This is a lifesim that's very queer, a LOT to do and see, and does not get old. I played it all day, beat it, and started playing a second playthhrough. That's how good it is. You don't do that for most games, especially not ones that take ten hours to beat.

Ready for a more in depth look? Let's go.


But first, we need to talk about parallel univ- erm, life sims.

Ah, the lifesim genre. It's a subgenre of visual novel that I feel never quite got off the ground and became its own thing. But I have a deep love for 'em. They were briefly a thing in the 90s then kinda never stuck around or came back like some other genres did.

And I wanna be clear about what I mean by lifesim, cause you google that genre name, and you get so many different games under that umbrella. Sim ant? The Odell edutainment games? Tomadachi life? Idolmaster? These games have nothing in common.

To me, the quintessential Life Sim, the game that DEFINES this genre, is Princess Maker.

Exocolonist

This is what a lifesim is to me. It's a game that's a visual novel, with lots of text and story, and a character that you're training up through choices, actions, and events. The skills and abilities they have will change both themselves and the world around them. This genre was briefly a thing, as I said, but really after Princess Maker, the genre got stuff like uh, True Love, which I will not deny I played the fuck out of as a horny teenager, and other porn games. And porn games are fine! But it's not the sign of longevity if that's all the genre is getting.

Indie devs will always pick up the slack, though. For every game that's kinda unique, an indie dev will spawn to try and revitalize it. But that barely happened for life sims. We got Long Live The Queen, which was awesome, but not much else... until last year, when this game came out. The quintessential life sim.

Exocolonist

In Exocolonist, you play as Sol, a human kid who's on a ship to found the first ever human colony outside of Earth, a planet called Vertumna, through a wormhole at the edge of the solar system. Sol can be shaped however you want over the ten year lifespan of the game (from age 10-20). Literally, you can pick this kid's pronouns and gender presentation on sliders. It's pretty great.

Exocolonist

On top of That Good Queer Shit though, you also have the opportunity to choose this entire kid's life path. You have a bunch of stats, as you can see on the left there. Each month (there are 13 months in a year), you wander around your colony and can enter into buildings, which will each have some kind of job you can do, which will increase your skills and give you events. Things like studying the humanities will increase your creativity and persuasion. Working on the farm increases your knowledge of biology and toughness, stuff like that. There are dozens of jobs you can do, many of which can be unlocked by doing special events or things.

A brief example of jobs you can unlock If you're friends with the person who works there, and aren't a little rebellious kid, you can get a job at the store. Or, if you're good at biology, you parents will have more work for you to do on the farm other than just moving dirt. Stuff like that.
Exocolonist

While doing a job, you are given a card game to play! Throughout the game, as you do activities, you are given memory cards that represent that event. You'll be playing a game a lot where you draw a hand, then try to make the highest scoring combo with those cards. You get bonuses for flushes, pairs, and straights. It's not super indepth or amazing but somehow I never got bored of it after 20 hours of gameplay.

The game has a BUNCH of characters, all the ones your age being ones you can date. You'll interact with them through the story, gaining friendship with them from a stat of 0-100, and events and things require this. Doing jobs with them, or giving them gifts will help increase this. These characters are (mostly) really good! Let's talk about them! :D At the start you have all the kids you grew up with on the colony ship, but eventually more characters get introduced!

Oh fun thing to mention before I do that: this is kind of a socialist utopia. These characters are all raised by the community, for the most part, on a hippie colony. They all have genetic augments (you have them too, you get to choose your's) that make em unique and add a bit to their character. Part of the charm is that you learn more about these characters as you befriend them and they let you in on secrets, like that their augment allows them to be extremely sexy (no character has that augment. That's my augment IRL though)

Exocolonist
Anemone Anemone is probably my least favorite of the characters from the start of the game. She's a bratty little halfpint who likes sports and fighting and ehhhh, you think I'd be into this, I like strong macho lesbians. And I like her cool skin. But halfway through the story, literal fascists show up to corral the hippies into submission, and she joins them. You should be warned about that now before it makes you angry. It's supposed to make you angry, though. You can help her, though.
Exocolonist
Cal Cal is a chill strong ranch hand who loves animals and you. He's a sweet boy, not quite my type, but I get it. He's besties with Tammy, and they WILL date if you don't get in the middle of all that lol. I TRIED to, I tried to date Tammy but found it difficult. Things don't always go your way in this game.
Exocolonist
Marz Probably my other least favorite of the original kids? Which sucks cause she looks so cool, but her personality is kinda... a lot. She's The Queen Bee, kind of the Bully, and also a capitalist. She's a big ambitious person who wants to LEAD, which is fine but like... she's also a big fan of Earth and thinks we shouldn't have ever left, even though the literal reason we left is cause Earth blows, capitalism fucked it over, and we were all dying lmfao it just seems really ridiculous she'd think all this stuff.
Exocolonist
Tammy Tammy was my bestie my first go round. She's a cute sweet little elf who's shy and unconfident but just wants everyone to be happy. She's also REAL big on Being A Mom and since I'm like "uhhh I dunno about babies they're kinda nasty" things didn't work out with us but she's still Big Bestie Energy.
Exocolonist
Dys Dys is the colony's troubled little angsy goth boy twink. He's always been weird, and Other'd (and bullied by Marz), and this kinda coalesces into him just... hating everyone? But he loves the planet, and its animals. He often sneaks out and goes exploring. A lot of his dialogue and energy is Big Angsty Ow The Edge stuff, but like, in a lot of ways, I get him.
Exocolonist
Tang Tang is your Science Girl, and the identical twin of Dys. Wait, identical? But... YES. Tang is trans. And she's who I romanced in my first game. Without even knowing she was trans. Trans girls are just hot, I dunno what to tell you, they attract me to em. Anyway, she's a bit insufferable at times, kind a Straw Vulcan type, but I like her a lot.
Exocolonist
Rex DOG BOY DOG BOY DOG BOY!!! Every time you can interact with Rex, you can give him a hug. You can go "COMIN' IN FOR A HUG" and he will respond with "I'M OPEN, COACH!", his arms wide. He's a lovable goofball, and I adore him. He's also a huge fucking slut. Big fan of this guy, if you can't tell. He wants to be a bartender!
Exocolonist
Nomi-Nomi Lookit them! Very cute. Nomi is a genki enby kid who loves anime, writing fanfic, playing D&D, and making fashionable clothing. Goofy fun loving kid, very sweet, I would protect them with my LIFE.
Exocolonist
Vace This guy is a fascist wifebeater. Fuck him.
Exocolonist
and finally, Sym Sym is an alien you can POSSIBLY meet. He's cool and sweet and cute and why yes I DID make out with him at first opportunity how did you know??? Anyways, a lot of stuff about him is Spoilers about the history of the planet but he's a cool sexy alien.

These are, of course, only some of the characters. Specifically, the ones you can romance. You have all the adults too, your parents and whatnot. And this is also a good time to mention that This Game Goes Hard. As soon as you boot up the game it goes "Hey uh, so this game is for mature audiences? Please read the content warnings" and one of those is "PEOPLE WILL DIE". People will die. Especially on your first playthrough. If you know what you're doing, you can get a golden ending. Save almost everyone. Bring peace to the colony. you will not do that on your first playthrough. Everyone you love is probably going to die. Life as an exocolonist is NOT easy.

This game is seriously in depth. There's a BUNCH of endings you can go for, including some special ones. As I said, there's the Golden Ending, where you bring peace. I got that my second playthrough. I had to, right??? There's also uh, the genocide ending, where basically the opposite happens and all life on the planet dies. Did I mention this game goes hard??

I seriously cannot recommend this game enough. I spent almost two hours writing this post about how fucking good this game is. I'm probably going to play it AGAIN. There are a LOT of endings though, like 50 or something? Uh, this is not a game you should 100%. Getting all the cards and all the endings seems like fucking hell. Do what your comfy with, though. And please, get this game and enjoy it.

God bless lifesims. Let's hope there's more on the horizon.


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