...it's a bad, dangerous habit sometimes. Bare with me, this is gonna kinda wander around and I may take some sudden, unexpected jumps and sharp turns.
So some background. I never used to be into streams. For various reasons. There's a movie stream I've been in now and then, but my attention span won't let me enjoy that as much as I used to. I'll end up being conflicted between trying to follow the action on screen and chatting with other lovely folks in the stream. And unfortunately I kind of fail at both. (Plus I had technical issues with that one particular site for a long while, too, which didn't help.)
But then I started hanging out in some other kinds of streams. Smaller ones- big ones are too chaotic and impossible to follow and I feel like I'm lost in a sea of other voices. But there's an artist I follow on Cohost. He does cute, funny, and toony stuff. And one evening, on a whim, when I was in an odd mood and desperate to branch out more, I saw him post a stream notification and... decided to join. It... was fun. We all chatted, it was small enough that it didn't feel crowded, the vibes were great. He'd actually read and respond to most of my comments, and the other folks were friendly too. Didn't end up paying as much attention to the actual screen as I probably should have, except during conversation lulls, but it was fun. And we play Jackbox at the end of most of them, for about an hour or so. Which is a blast. So about once a week or so I've been joining his streams. Over time, thanks to end-of-stream raids (it's on Twitch) I've encountered a few others.
Most of them were artists at first. And always with the cute vtuber avatars and stuff. Side note, part of me really likes the idea and if I wasn't so shy and self-conscious (especially about my voice), and if only I had the resources, I'd definitely be trying to get into that myself. But anyway, the art streams were fun enough. But then...
VRchat. Fuuuuuck. It started with some vids on Youtube. You've probably seen some of them. There's some pretty well known VRchat furry stars these days. But there's smaller ones too. And some I guess... "mid level" ones where they're fairly popular but the streams are still followable and you don't get lost in a sea of conversations. Those are a fun chaotic blast.
But here's the thing... everything they're doing in VRchat hits me with such a potent wave of mixed emotions. It's highly entertaining and I love the vibes. And at the same time, I wish so badly I could be a part of it. VRchat, or at least the furry part of it, looks like the kind of thing that, under other circumstances, I could completely lose myself to. It kind of reminds of what SL tried to be but ultimately mostly failed. Deep down, a part of me has just always desperately wanted to fuck off and forget the rest of the world exists, and drown myself in cute, funny, silly, zany furry nonsense. Unironic animal noises, cuddles, booping snoots, playing silly games, and just generally being fuzzy, adorable idiots with others. Yeah, I'm cringe, bite me.
There's more than that though. I got hit... with time. And age. It stings. I'm 38 now, and sometimes I desperately wish I'd been born 10-15 years later so that I could be discovering this stuff at the same age so many others are. Or better yet, as long as we're delving into fucking fantasy, why not go all the way? I really, really wish I could shapeshift. Or failing that, maybe upload my consciousness into some cyberworld where I could be and do whatever.... though that one also comes with some serious reservations I'd rather not get into.
Here's the thing. Even after 38 years on this fucked up chaotic mess of a world, I still haven't entirely figured out my own damn identity. I kind of think I just don't have much of one. Guess it's fitting that my fursona is kind of a "ghost" fox. All I know is I'm nothing like what I want to be. And I fear it's too late to change that.
There's the whole... 'gender' thing. Boy that's become such a crazy confusing term in the past decade, hasn't it? Maybe it always was and I just never noticed. For those that don't know, I used to just conflate gender and sex. But like... for very different reasons than most 'phobes. In fact, I was actually never against trans folks, because when I was first introduced to it, it was described in a very sex-oriented way that made sense to me at the time. "You know how some people that've lost a limb swear they can still feel it, and know it's supposed to be there even though it isn't? It's like that, but with genitals and such." That's basically how it was presented. And I thought "Oh, yeah? Damn. I'm glad they have operations that can help them feel better, then."
But that was way back in, what.... '05? Point is, my conflation was never meant as a hateful thing. I supported trans folks despite equating gender and sex, because to me, gender didn't even exist outside of a bunch of BS societal expectations and roles. And... in case it wasn't clear, I'm not a fan of society dictating how I experience my life, lol.
The thing is, though, I guess my experience just wasn't typical. A lot of people like to embrace certain ideas of gender as part of their identity and whereas before I mistook that for just being socially-enforced putting-people-in-boxes, I eventually came to realize it was just the same shit I've always battled with, in regards to trying to define who I am.
Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of like... medically/surgically "transitioning" or anything. And realistically I don't know if I'll ever be able to adapt myself to look and express myself how I ideally would in my mind. But outside of the, y'know... ahem "downstairs equipment", I've never been exactly big on the whole "guy" thing. I find myself repulsed by a lot of stereotypical "manly" things. Hell, I kind of hate the word "man" in general and would rather not have it used to describe me.
But at the same time, there are bits I do vibe with. And hell, it's not as if I think of myself as a woman either. Both have a mixture of expectations and stereotypes that I both like and dislike. But I've always been self-conscious about my voice, because I wish it was higher pitched. That's why I avoid the voice channels on Discord servers like the plague. And it's not like it's even especially deep for an AMAB individual, but... well, you see where I'm going.
Like I said, I'm absolutely not saying I'm MtF trans or something like that. But there's... elements of how I present that I wish I could wave a magic wand and change. Maybe my brain's just too fucked up from 24 or so years of wallowing in the online furry world, but godammit I wanna be a "femboy" or... something. I'm sure all the media with these perfect, idealized notions I've consumed over the years in the online furry world probably haven't helped, but fuck it. I just want to be fucking cute and soft and silly. I'm already a sensitive shit, as indicated in some of my recent vent posts.
Just to real quick tie this into the previous subject, VRchat has apparently helped a lot of people come to terms with various aspects of their identities in ways nothing else can. And it's easy to see how. We're finally reaching the point where you can really, truly immerse yourself in another persona or just present yourself however you want, more than ever before. I can't even begin to tell you how goddamn jealous I am of the both gen Z and gen Alpha over that. Granted, it's still by far a Rich Kids' game, so to speak. Those kinds of resources aren't things that the majority of people are going to have access to right now. But it's growing. Over the coming years, that's going to become an increasingly common thing for people to experiment with at all levels, I think. Which is amazing. Even if I feel uncertain due to my voice and age and whatnot, I've been thinking seriously about rewarding myself with it when I finish MHO and maybe some other things. But I digress...
The whole... pronoun thing. Don't get me wrong, I still find it frankly bizarre that, out of ALL the things to have strong feelings over, the tiniest, IMO most inconsequential words in the English language are the ones everyone on either side decided "this is it, THIS is the hill I will kill and die on" about. But then, like I said, I've been learning that maybe I'm just the oddball there. I'm used to people using he/him with me, but at least since my teens, I've never been bothered when someone used others on me. Hell, I've always loved when people couldn't figure which ones they're "supposed" to use. I'll never forget going through the drive thru at a bank back in my early 20s (when I was still a skinny waif with ridiculously long hair), when the teller called me "ma'am", then started to correct themselves, then just kind of faltered and clearly wasn't sure. I felt amused, if not downright giddy at the time. Not because of their discomfort- if anything, I feel bad that they probably felt bad about it, and made sure to let them know it was fine and I wasn't offended. But I kind of loved that they just couldn't be sure. For as long as I can remember, I've generally always held off on telling people or "correcting" them online when they used the "wrong" pronouns or whatever. Again, I find the uncertainty amusing and refreshing.
I don't know if that makes me "nonbinary" or "agender" or whatever. I don't know that I need to wear such a label. But it's something I've been thinking about more recently. Maybe I should? idk. I've started quietly letting people (online) know they can use whatever pronouns with me, and it doesn't bother me. Guess I'll see where this goes, if anywhere.
...
I think the bottom line is: gotdammit, the world fucking sucks, why can't I at least just be an actual soft, fluffy (slightly toony at times) femboygirl phasefox?!