For those unaware, it's now Transgender Visibility Day, and also Easter so make an Egg Joke and take a shot if you like that sorta thing. The U.S. President has decided, and that's really wild because he is very Catholic and very uninterested in actual progressive policy. But you know, give the Israeli genocide machine bombs from one hand, and dunk on the Republican Party into the other. It's Easter, the day Jesus showed off his sick top scars, we're so proud of him for finally coming out of the cave. You see back in the day no one had closets you had to come out of the cave like Plato, who definitely was in the cave because he was trans and not because he wondered if or if not God was real.
CW's: I identify as a combination of the words [dick] and [girl], I criticize Republicans in the U.S., I am dismissive of Religion, and I won't sugar coat the hard parts about being Trans.
Stick with me, you might find something you like if you read on.
A Day to Remember.
To this day, one of the worst fucking things you can do for your health prospects is to become openly transgender. Demographics-wise, we have the highest rates of early and preventable suicide, substance dependency, STI/STD's, and a whole host of other baggage that comes from being an extremely vulnerable population with a lot of abnormal psychological features. The hormones thing also sucks, so does transitioning, so does being bullied, so does being murdered. We also get murdered, a lot. Our rates of homelessness and unemployment are also extreme, and the comorbidity of complex psychiatric conditions is quite high too. From the perspective of a seasoned healthcare worker, it is one of the single most terrible decisions you can make other than deciding to be Black or a Woman. That's a joke, by the way, because the data are becoming increasingly clear that being transgender is not really a decision so much as being openly transgender is. The rates of AMAB / AFAB (assigned male or female at birth) have steadily climbed upwards nearest I can tell, and if you look at the surrounding Queer space you can see the same story everywhere: Intersex Conditions (considered by the medical community to be strictly Chromosomal, most often these appear instead as "Disorders of Sex Differentiation" or DSD's) are becoming more well documented and understood as deleterious in a society that assigns gender role to its offspring. I once listened to a Med-School lecture about DSD's where a Pediatrician presenting on them said "when we have a DSD that makes the gender of the child uncertain, we do not have a medical emergency, we have a social emergency". The day when you come out as Trans often times brings about a lot of trauma, and uh, well let's just say I work with a lot of Trauma all of the time.
You are not an Emergency.
Despite the often reported emotional and social urgency implied by DSD's, Intersex Conditions, and the Transgender experience, it needs to be noted that you are not broken. People around you will insist it, they will say awful fucking shit to you, and you will need to say "that's like, your opinion man". The human sexuality spectrum itself is extremely dynamic without accounting for differences of sexual organ presentation and mating behavior, its easy to appreciate our 'abundance of choice' today and miss that many men and women during earlier periods of human history (as recent as WW1 and WW2) engaged in queer or homosexual relationships with hushed voices and social niceties. The concept of nonbinary, transgender, and genderqueer people isn't just historical, it is cross cultural and exists from ancient European Tribes through the Arabic speaking lands of the Middle East, beyond into the Indus Valley, through the heart of China, across the sea to the New World, within and beyond African nations, and so much more. We have so many different versions of third, fourth, and fifth genders; countless tales of curses and blessings which result in the transformation of self into a newly sexual body, and a bloody history of suppression at the hands of the Christian and later Islamic literalists whose power-structures dictate the most harsh of treatment of people who act outside of a prescribed narrative of 'purpose'. We are not only hunted for difference, but because of a lack of clear industrial application, and we are only tolerated by the powers that be in the modern era because of our incredible capacity to invent, to communicate, and to share our intellect. Do not let someone undervalue you because you don't sleep on time with the rest of the world, or because you can't or won't have kids.
You are allowed to Exist, but must also Fight to do so.
Increasingly, the diversity of human sex, sexuality, gender role, and mating behavior is understood to be a semi-plastic but largely unconscious decision. Gene frequencies and pre-natal conditions seem to influence our sexing and by extension our gender role alignment more than simply seeing a skirt and going "well I have a uterus, I should wear this". Having struggled with my rapidly escalating intersex condition, an unlikely combination of Klinefelter's, Ovotestis, and Endometriosis, I can say that the last three years of my life has been some variant of a living hell. I also can say that I have never been happier to be me when my parts are all working, my art skills exploded in quality in ways I never expected and when the brain and body chemistry line up I like many trans folks have experienced the mythical "pleasurable sex" the straights obsessively theorize about. Just last night, my husband gently stimulated my weirdly normal-looking penis to the point that I literally climaxed for plural minutes before finally having a typical male orgasm -- which was dry because my prostate and gonads had no fluid left to give. That was cool, and what's cooler is he can do things now like touch my neck or lower back and I get shivers and weird prostate stimulation that is so strong and so deep at times it can make me gasp. I was born largely male-presenting with some abnormalities that made me have a femme bent, but before the Estrogen switch-over in my gonads happened, I was happily male. I liked being gay, it was fine, and I was perfectly happy with it -- and since 2017 I'd been publicly advocating for the rights of transgender and nonbinary patients within the rehab I was working at until 2021. It was different, but where my pain exists now is largely the failures of the medical industry I battled rather personally before, now victim instead of care provider. I'd be lying if I didn't say that daily thoughts of suicide and detransitioning forcefully weren't present; it's just part of the territory and part of how my life has changed. I have to fight myself to remember what I've gained here, in-spite of what has been lost.
What is a Gender? A miserable pile of complications.
I don't think there is any more emotionally charged a debate than what counts as a 'true transgender experience' in the space on Social Media and within the LGBTQIA+ communities you will find online. I personally have no problem identifying with the word "Dickgirl", I think its sexy and I refuse to let Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists (TERF's) dictate the terms by which my experience of sex and gender will be characterized. But for every one of me, someone else has had these jackasses harass and abuse them in extremely frustrating and often dangerous ways. Becoming openly flagged as Transgender is a serious health risk especially in most of the United States where even progressive states have minimal protections established in-law for Transgender identity. With the current partisan split on Transgender issues (which impact an extremely small minority of the population mind you), the arguments being had by Social Conservatives (Democrat and Republican) are not only frequently based on toxic normativity and assumption, but also outright lies at every angle including that Transgender people are "out to get you". To Republicans I have this to say: Honey. Darling. I want you to know I'm a woman with a penis. I want you to be into that, actually, it's good for you to live a little! As for the rest of you who are reading as allies, as questioning, exploring, considering, or already on the journey to find yourself, the whole "presenting as [gender]" thing is yours to choose and yours alone, you don't have to go in on it, but also you don't have to keep saying "It'll never work, I'm too [masculine/feminine/etc]", the earlier you make the choice for yourself and stick to your feelings on it, the happier you will be. But you need to be patient, not only with yourself but with others who may or may not be on the trip too, to tolerate with incredible wisdom the petty and the insufferable sleights (actual and/or perceived) that the world (peers, opponents, medical providers, parents, friends, family, spouse, etc) may throw your way because they don't know, don't understand, and may be afraid of what it means.
Support yourself, others, and be open to newcomers.
It deserves to be said, we chase a lot of people out for being 'transphobic' or 'only having a fetish' or any number of uncharitable takes. You know, before I knew about my condition I developed extremely sensitive nipples and suddenly found female bodies attractive, way back in 2018, and I wondered why suddenly I was into dickgirls. I grabbed an old character concept, gave her a one-over and commissioned a pal to draw a sexualized version of self for me to project into for my own enrichment and sexual gratification. I didn't think at the time that I was trans, I still struggle with if or if not I feel that way and my complex dysmorphia defies ease of explanation; but out the other end here what started as a kink and exploration of self developed into a medical concern. It suddenly made lots of things about my weird body more prevalent, things I wondered quietly about with little capacity to illustrate my anxious concern, things that I thought were mundane and explainable with basic first-line diagnoses were anything but. I knew my body was abnormal, the docs I worked with clocked my Narcolepsy years before I was diagnosed with it; I had significant cognitive and developmental abnormalities and my Queerness and lack of commitment to my seemingly male gender represented a mental flexibility few gay men actually have outside of their sexual context. In late 2021, I thought that being nonbinary was enough, in early 2023 I formally came out as Transgender and Intersex and I've been grateful that my main alias (where I post all of my furry porn) was quickly accepted even by people who didn't know how to be respectful. People I never thought I could reach because of my general niche interests and socially stunted behavior suddenly came out of the woodwork to say hi, chew some scenery with me over the whole thing, and remain in my orbit in a way that at times is frustrating to understand. But we associate with each other distally, we're in a larger social cohort of people who are all holding hands to keep everyone on the life raft our Queer Spaces Online can provide. It's brave, and very special.
Closing thoughts.
This is a very impromptu little essay but I think the unique circumstances of the political environment deserve to be highlighted because of how many of us are suffering within the United States. I'm getting off easy, I get to leave to Canada with my Husband once the piece of paper I am waiting on comes in; even then, Canada's healthcare model leaves a lot to be desired for trans and intersex people, especially on the Eastern side of the country where the most resources seemingly would be available. The battle continues for my people on the other side of the fence, and despite the separation I won't stop fighting for them and I won't stop offering a hand up and a dust off when the going gets rough. Trans, BiPoc, queer, gay/lesbian, whatever it is they have, I'm committed to them in one way or another and often offer myself and my skills well outside of what is reasonable. It's important though, even if you don't have any horse in the race to support people who are Queer, or gay, or trans or whatever, even if its "well dude, if she has a penis its not gay right...?" from a perfectly normal straight guy who is kind of phobic. That's good for us, we want people to have an appreciation for us, and honestly women got a lot farther in their Feminist Revolution by embracing sexuality than they ever did rejecting it. There will be pain, there will be discomfort, and there will be change -- we all have to live with that, and if you can be flexible you will find people are more forgiving, dare I say faintly positive, about it. Lots of misinformation and fearmongering exists and don't get me started on the fucking institutions and the actual risk to self as mentioned above; but the time is changing.
The moment to be yourself, to stand up for other people being themselves, is now.
I want to put out a few personal asides, mentioning a few IRL pals and a few other people by-semi-anonymous name who have helped guide me through uncertain waters these past few years.
- Claire, the Songbird, Borg Queen, Virtual Construct, and person I snuck through my window during our childhood and had sleep under my bed on a roll-out mattress; no one deserves higher praise nor more deserved reward. I couldn't ask for a better friend to navigate the swirling rapids of being AMAB and transgender, I smile every day thinking about how fucking wild it is we grew up on the same street.
- L, my Husband and love of my life, a man who until we met was scared that only 'girly gays' that emulated the weirdly toxic femboy culture stereotyped by his peers and society; you're literally the person keeping me alive, and more, making me live. I love you more deeply than some kilobytes of text could ever convey.
- R, a childhood friend of L's who had her own struggles. She's been a strong Ally and Advocate for things I've been afraid of like if or if not bottom surgery is for me. Guess she was right, it's looking like I'm headed there like it or not (I mean, I am starting to like it). Shout-outs to D, who has no business being a French Canadian this fucking queer and this fucking smart about these things with almost none of the language we prescribe. You both are legendary, and I'm so happy to be moving into BC in your approximate social radius.
- Drake, Noga, Lyle, Jack, Bubbs; my lovely (former) roommates and I hope to maintain as life-long companions in some respect. I dream about the days you all can live healthy and productive lives free of pain and free of the complications of your upbringings. Some of you are farther ahead than others, but all of you have grown, will grow, and will make me proud. I know it's weird to claim Mom status over you all because I showed up for a few years and "helped out", but I'm claiming (second) Mom status and you'll just have to come kill me if you don't want that. Love you all, proud of you all every day you make it through. Shout out to Ghoul and Matt, both whom deserved more from me, especially Ghoul who lets face it has been hurt more badly by me than anyone I can think of.
- To my supporting community, friends, fellow creators, distant peers, strangers. I have so many names that will fill this spot, and I know I will miss many of you. I'll list people who're close and frequent in my life such as Wake and Bitcoon, Ahn'Drek, Aquilak, Smutcave, Omni, Kuta, Tupina, Rho, and god who else do I even list without picking out of a hat!? It is people's charity and support that keeps me financially stable at my minimum level (in concert with hubby and his family), and I cannot thank them enough for their patience and compassion and genuine willingness to throw money into a fire (that's me I'm the fire) and accept a near-infinite amount of IOU's as I battle my creeping disability. An end to that parade of IOU's feels more in sight than ever before.
- A thank you to you, Cohost Community, as fleeting as you may be. May events in April preserve this community, complicated and controversial as its many places may be. It deserves to be said, I have found nowhere else as perfect a place for this kind of writing and discourse. To the Cohost Staff, if somehow you ever read my work from either of my accounts, know that my skepticism and paranoia comes from a place of pain. Institutions are not people, you are all individually your own persons and I do not level personal blame unless it is truly warranted. Thank you for your passion and gusto, and perhaps foolishness of equal measure; someone had to be willing to walk into the hail of proverbial arrows.
Happy Transgender Visibility Day.
PS: If you're not ready to be visible, there's always next year, and the year after. We're around, just look for us, we're stupid or brave enough to put our little flags up where-ever we congregate. Reach out to us. Send an ask, an email, a comment, anything. We won't have all of the answers to you, but we can offer a sympathetic ear and a comforting pat on the back. It won't seem like much now, but down the road it can be the moment things change for the better for you. Even if you're not gay, finding yourself and appreciating what others have to do to find themselves can be the most important thing you ever do.
