[These extended thoughts detail my time exploring an experimental horror game that you can find here: https://frogboygames.itch.io/50-flare-deep]
I start in a cave with fifty flares. It's a network of tunnels and who knows how complex it is; I definitely do not have the resources to light it all up. It's claustrophobic, and with every flare I throw, I anticipate the next turn blotting the light out entirely. In complete darkness, I can barely see a wall if I press against it, but I can't trust that I'll have enough information moving around like that. Eventually I realize that it's not a bad idea to throw a flare and walk backwards facing it as a way to conserve flares by walking in the darkness with at least some form of landmark. At some point though, the flare I'm walking away from gets smaller and smaller and smaller.
I realize that I'm not in a network of tunnels anymore. I'm in a massive cavern, whose boundaries are extremely unclear. There's nothing out here. It's just darkness, everywhere. I stumble around, aimlessly trying to find anything of worth, and my flare count ticks down one by one as I map out a vague idea of...anything? Places I've been before, to hopefully cut down on redundant exploring. I find a radio playing a voice recording that counts down from ten over and over, and a stone pillar to its side. Is the pillar pointing in a direction? I wander forward, trying to find anything, and eventually lose my nerve moving forward and try any other direction. Why did I turn? I only had one "clue" as to where I should go. Any other direction is meaningless, and yet...when you've walked in darkness for so long with nothing gained, you doubt what you know. Maybe it would be a good idea if I manage to make my cluster of flares near the "entrance" disappear? It would imply I put a wall or something between me and them, and that could be considered a landmark, sort of...? I leave sparse trails of light, following slopes too steep to walk.
It's a video game, I tell myself. There could either be an exit to this experience, or there could not be. What if the exit is in any given direction as long as you walk it? What if the exit is a tiny tunnel out? It could be literally anywhere. I could be currently walking in the complete opposite direction. The tunnels were stifling, but this. This endless void in all directions is what truly stifling feels like. I can't see the flares from the entrance anymore. How exactly is that a landmark? I ask my former self. What if there isn't a wall between me and those flares, and instead it's just that I've walked so far that they aren't rendering anymore? Even if it is a wall, what good does that serve me anyway? Why does this cavern's vastness keep going? Am I supposed to have given up by now? It could be miles of nothing.
I'm not sure if there's anything more to see down here. The existence of the radio and stone pillar are so devious--the implication that there are things down here if you look hard enough. In practice, I realized my monitor could use a bit of a clean. Every minor speck of dust feeling like a possible lead.
Some time ago I realized that you can hold left click to keep a flare out, but it's uncomfortable, knowing that if your finger tires, you'll throw the flare for good. It's nice to have as a feature, but I barely use it. Walking backwards has been fine enough.
Eventually the flares drop to single digits. I wonder if maybe the game will immediately end once I hit zero. At this point I've accepted that if there was a way to "win" I have long since reached a point where it is not happening. If it weren't for that radio and stone pillar, I wouldn't have gone on as far as I did. I lose the will to go on, and cast my final flare to the ground in defeat. Is there actually a way out? For some reason I feel like that was never important. To me it was a way to lose myself in the darkness, to consider what it means to explore a space, to confront my own conviction and tenacity. I step forward into the darkness, and exit the cave with the only option available to me.